Under normal circumstances, it is pretty difficult to rock me, I usually only fight the Big Fights, and they have got to be pretty important for me to get involved. I don’t lose my temper, I don’t throw a fit, I let most things slide off without a second thought.
When I do get hurt, I usually react like a potato bug/rolly polly/pill bug*. I curl up inside a hard shell and wait until the danger is gone. Then I come back out and mosey along on my way.
Most of the time.
A small, small, percentage of the time when I am poked and prodded long enough and hard enough instead of curling up into a little ball I explode into a puff of thorns and spiky bits. When I get upset and I lose my cool, I turn into a porcupine.
No, not like that. That is an adorably cute baby porcupine with a charming case of bed-head. When I turn into a porcupine, I am not cute, I am terrible. I become a pissed off, barreling ball of spikes and anger heading directly towards your jugular.
It’s not pretty. In fact, it’s downright terrifying for the person on the other end of my rage. And the worst part is at that point, after I’ve been provoked long enough to become a porcupine, I rarely feel much remorse about my explosion. I feel completely justified. The good news is that in the last 6 years I have only lost it twice. I have learned to keep my cool and I know when I’m about to turn into the Wicked Witch (Porcupine?) of the West, and I get out of the situation before that can happen.
Calm down, I won’t chomp down on you and chew you into little bits, nor will I spear you through the face. It takes a hell of a lot of poking to result in my exploding in prickles and biting someone’s head off
This week has been a potato bug kind of week. I’ve been poked, and prodded, and pushed, and barked at, and accused, and bossed around. Last night it kind of came to a head and I spent 45 minutes in the shower sobbing I curled up in my ball, snuggled in an oversized hoodie with my ultimate chick flick and a cookie (or three). I thought that would be it, I’d had my cry cookie and I would be fine.
Nope. Today my boss made me cry.
No, I did not cry in front of him. Nor will I tell him that he made me cry. And no, I do not have a habit of dissolving into tears at work. In fact, this is the FIRST time I’ve ever shed tears of frustration at work. I am completely unfamiliar with the alignment of elements in just such a way that I can no longer keep my shyte together while at the workplace, and I don’t like it. I quickly excused myself to the loo, made myself as small as possible, and had a little cry. Then I washed off my face, gritted my teeth, and went back to work.
I feel like an emotional disaster. Not to say everything is bad, not even close. There are some things that are really great; really really great, exciting, wonderful, you get the idea. But most things are really sensitive and stressful and must be handled carefully; these are my things and also the things that I handle for other people. And after several days (or weeks) of walking on eggshells and juggling all these balls I inadvertently stepped a little too heavily in my 4-inch heels and the whole thing came down in a pile of goo and shattered shells.
I’ll spare you the run down of all that is not going well. Frankly, it’s exhausting to think about (again, some more) and if I get into it I can guarantee that the tears will start leaking again. For now I think I’ll just stay curled up in this little ball and wait for the worst of it to pass. Is this the most adult, responsible, emotionally healthy way to deal with this situation? No. It’s not. But I can feel the porcupine quills flexing and this fight isn’t worth turning into a monster.
*I seriously don’t know what these are supposed to be called. When I was a kid we always called them potato bugs, but doing an image search for potato bugs leads one to these nasty, waspy creatures that I certainly hope are not something that would ever infest a potato crop, because they are creepy looking. I think my nieces and nephews call these critters rolly polly’s, and then the more scientific set refer to them as pill bugs. Which one is the most prominent? Most accurate? Please advise.
On yesterday’s post about doing something to commemorate Lent I got one comment that really struck a chord with me. It wasn’t mean or hateful or anything like that, quite the opposite. It was questioning. This commenter wanted to know why, as a non-Catholic, I would do anything at all to commemorate Lent. She made the point that as a non-Jew she would never consider keeping kosher during Passover simply to show support for her Jewish friends. Firstly, I’d like to thank her for throwing something at me that has been cause for a little contemplation. I was half-way through a lengthy comment-reply when I decided I wanted to skip hijacking my own comments and write this as a separate post. Secondly, I’d like to explore this a little, because I think it’s important.
I think that by celebrating and learning about traditions that are different from our own we learn more about acceptance and respect of new or different people, things, or cultures. And in our world I don’t see that as a bad thing. At all. I think as people we generally fear things we don’t understand, and that fear can quickly lead to hate. I think it is important to learn as much as possible about the history, traditions, cultures and people that surround us. Particularly as the world becomes smaller and smaller through advances in technology and communication.
Most people who celebrate Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, and Halloween–traditional Catholic holidays–are not Catholic. I am not Mexican but I celebrate Cinco de Mayo; I’m not French but I have a crepe party for Bastille Day. I am not Jewish, but I celebrated Hanukkah this year. A friend of mine generously invited me to celebrate with him and his Jewish friends and family, and I loved learning more about the history, the symbolism, the food (oh goodness, the food was to die for), and the religious ceremonies. It was beautiful.
Does that make me less of a Christian? Absolutely not. Was it disrespectful to the Jews or to the Gentiles? No, I don’t think so. Even Christmas, the ultimate Christian holiday, started out as a pagan holiday celebrating the return of light and has since evolved into a hallmark of consumerism. Is there a difference between a traditionally religious ceremony or holiday, like Lent, and something that is now considered much more secular, like Halloween? Absolutely. I am not comparing the two. I am just saying that I only think good things can come from trying to understand, appreciate, and respect other ways of looking at the world. These ceremonies and celebrations are sacred to someone–whether it’s Hanukkah or Solstice or International Talk Like A Pirate Day (an official holiday of The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster)–and should be treated with the appropriate levels of respect. I’m not Jewish, or Catholic, or Pastafarian, but I am human and all of these traditions are part of this human planet on which we all live and take part, and are worth understanding, respecting, and celebrating.
What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear what you have to say.
I am not Catholic, I am so not-keyed-in to the various Catholic-Christian celebrations that I didn’t even remember it was Fat Tuesday until a woman at work announced she’d made Jambalaya for everyone to celebrate. I happily skipped upstairs for some complimentary Mardi Gras beads (no flashing required) and dirty rice.
It didn’t occur to me until later that evening that Mardi Gras signifies the beginning of Lent. I have never celebrated Lent, I’ve never chosen to give something up for 40 days–well, not those 40 days. At any rate, I was thinking all day about attempting to commemorate Lent this year. I read a dozen blog posts about people giving up meat, or sweets, or spending, or whatever. Here’s the thing–I don’t want to be a vegetarian for 40 days. I don’t. I spent all of February in a spend-thrift way, so I’m not about to do that either. What about giving up movies or TV or Facebook? Yep, not gonna happen. I had thought about giving up sugar–but then my order of Girl Scout cookies was conveniently delivered yesterday, and I just don’t see the point of saving those until after Easter. It seems disingenuous to the Girl Scouts. Or something.
(Confession: I ate 2/3 of a box of Samoa’s yesterday. And they were delicious.)
Ok, so I’m a meat eating, sugar loving, media obsessed, money grubbing, non-Catholic. Lent just doesn’t seem like it’s in the cards, right? Well, last night I came up with something that I really like. I’m pretty sure it’s not in the “true spirit” of Lent, but I think it will be tricky for me and therefore counts. For the next 40 days I will write a handwritten note to one person every day. Am I good at this? No. Will I fail? Maybe. Will I attempt? Sure!
What about you, are you celebrating Lent? Are you giving something up? Adding something? Or are you going to celebrate 40 days of Fat Tuesday and then gorge yourself on Cadbury Mini Eggs? (Please tell me I’m not the only one who does that. Please!)
Week three of my experiment where I limit my extraneous spending to $100 dollars in February. Below is the tally of what I actually spent, and the “wants” I cut out due to budget constraints. On some of my “savings” I have averaged out what I would usually spend to give myself an idea of how much I actually saved.
It was a long weekend, which I spent curled up on my couch alternating between feeling miserable (cold, flu, allergies) and studying, which, coincidentally, was also miserable. It’s amazing what a stomach bug can do for my wallet. It is not, however, a money-saving tip I’d recommend. Stupid bug.
February 15-21, 2011
Budget: $38.13 ($25.00 + 13.13 from Week 2)
Spent:$9.53
2/15 - How To Train Your Dragon DVD ($9.53)
Saved:$106.99
2/15 – Lunch ($7)
2/16 – Lunch ($7)
2/17 – Lunch ($7)
Dr. Pepper budget ($10.50) This amounts to one 21 oz. bottle per day, which was what I was drinking in January.
Parking at the University ($12) By leaving 5 minutes earlier I can park for free and walk 2 blocks to class, as opposed to walk 100 yards to class for $6 per night. I can walk 2 blocks to save $12.
Cookie Dough ($14) A co-worker brought in a brochure for her kid’s school, they are selling tubs of frozen cookie dough as a fund raiser. I drooled over the chocolate peanut-butter cup and the chocolate-chocolate tubs, but declined to order anything.
Shoes ($39.99) Yes, another pair. They were adorable too. Sniff.
Tights ($20.00) Urban Outfitters has the most delicious tights that last forever and ever, and at 2 for $20 they seem like a bargain! But not so much when my weekly budget is $25. Even so, I picked out two pair, and even went so far as to put them on hold. I left the store knowing I would not go back to pick them up. The one pair was a gray lace that I’ve been hunting for months. I just hope they will still be there when this little experiment is over.
What was not on the list:
Rent + Utilities (electricity, cable/internet, cell phone)
Oil Change / gasoline
Groceries
Previous Tightwad Tuesday posts.
Whelp, it’s week two of my experiment where I limit my extraneous spending to $100 dollars in February. Below is the tally of what I actually spent, and the “wants” I cut out due to budget constraints. On some of my “savings” I have averaged out what I would usually spend to give myself an idea of how much I actually saved. This week is a little interesting because I actually spent a long weekend in Phoenix for the Booksale. I wanted to keep myself to my budget, well, within reason. I was staying with family, so luckily I didn’t have to eat out every meal, which cut down on expenses. I included everything but my book purchases and a saved-for trip to H&M. We don’t have H&M in Salt Lake, and I’ve been putting a little something away every month since last February to spend, both on books and H&M goodness. These are not included here. When I started this experiment I made it very clear that I would not be including these two items. I have been saving for and planning this trip for twelve months. The money has been sitting in a savings account, collecting a bit of meager interest. I stayed under budget on my travels and have a bit of cash already accruing interest for next year. With that small caveat, here we go:
February 8-14, 2011
Budget: $42.43 ($25.00 + $17.43 from Week 1)
Spent: $29.30 (leftover budget $13.13)
2/8 – Savers Thrift Store $8.33 (Blazer, belt, vase)
2/9 – Starbucks $2.43
2/10 – Airport (Breakfast) $3.17
2/11 – In-n-Out Burger $5.84
2/12 – Hot Chocolate $1.50
2/12 – Airport (Water) $1.89
2/14 – Lunch (Subway) $6.14
Saved: $96.90
2/7 – Lunch ($7)
2/8 – Lunch ($7)
2/9 – Lunch ($7)
Dr. Pepper budget ($10.50) This amounts to one 21 oz. bottle per day, which was what I was drinking in January. (Except for one soda while I was in Phoenix, I haven’t had Dr. Pepper since January…and I still am craving it constantly. Stupid addictive substances!)
Parking at the University ($12) By leaving 5 minutes earlier I can park for free and walk 2 blocks to class, as opposed to walk 100 yards to class for $6 per night. I can walk 2 blocks to save $12.
Shoes ($53.40) Carlos by Carlos Santana had a sale where their normally $89 dollar shoes were priced at only $26.70. THAT IS 70% OFF!!! I could have EASILY picked up two pairs, and probably three without too much inner angst. Sadly, I let this one pass me by (sob!).
What was not on the list:
Rent + Utilities (electricity, cable/internet, cell phone)
Auto payment / gasoline
Student loan payment
Groceries
The Booksale
Here we are, week one of my little financial experiment. I vowed to limit my extraneous spending to $100 dollars in February. Below is the tally of what I actually spent, and the “wants” I cut out due to budget constraints. On some of my “savings” I have averaged out what I would usually spend to give myself an idea of how much I actually saved. I have had to be extra careful with my budgeting because I have two cultural events coming up that I insist on attending, and those tickets aren’t cheap. (Well, they aren’t cheap when your total weekly budget is only $25, any other month I wouldn’t think twice about it.)
February 1-7, 2011
Budget: $25.00
Spent: $7.57
2/3 – Lunch $1.89 (Soup at Subway)
2/5 – Craft supplies $5.68
Leftover funds: $17.43**
Saved: $105.50
2/1 – Lunch ($7)
2/2 – Lunch ($7)
2/4 – Lunch ($7)
2/7 – Lunch ($7)
Dr. Pepper budget ($10.50) This amounts to one 21 oz. bottle per day, which was what I was drinking the week before. I haven’t had any soda in 9 days.
Parking at the University ($12) If I leave 5 minutes earlier I can park in the free lot 2 blocks away, I don’t need to park 100 yards from my building, I can walk 2 blocks to save $12. Thus, this is a “want” not a “need.”
Office Organizers ($55)* Under normal circumstances, I would have purchased these adorable office accessories without thinking twice about it.
What was not on the list:
Rent + Utilities (electricity, cable/internet, cell phone)
Auto insurance / gasoline
Groceries – no candy or other unnecessary goodies were rolled into my grocery bill. It was strictly necessities.
Two parties with no cover charge and a whole lot of social interaction (yay parties!).
Two social engagements where I was treated to an evening including dinner and entertainment.
**Ok, so let’s talk about this “leftover funds” thing. Yes, I managed to go a whole week without spending more than $10. But it was hard. Really really hard. I have co-workers who I usually eat out with everyday, and while it’s usually something inexpensive, it has been a big change for me to bring a lunch every day. It has also been harder than I thought it would be to save the “couple of dollars here, couple of dollars there” monies by eliminating those minor expenses.
I’ll be honest, if it wasn’t for some entertainment I would have died this week. I lucked out, a good friend invited me to go to a concert with him, I watched a movie with a group of friends, went to a Chinese New Year’s party, and went on a really great almost-blind date. If I had to generate that kind of entertainment on my own for a total of $15 I would have failed my little experiment…or ended up watching old episodes of How I Met Your Mother on my DVR. (Note: a night with a frozen pizza and the DVR is perfectly acceptable for me…about once a month. But I just can’t spend night after night, week after week, plopped in front of the tube. I get cranky.)
I know after my initial announcement of this little project, many of you expressed sentiments that $100 per month was a lot of money and you haven’t spent that in a month in who knows how long. And that is great, really, I envy your savings account. But for me…well, that hasn’t been my lifestyle for a really, really long time. I go out to dinner with friends, I go to movies or plays with friends. I buy a pair of shoes or a book for a little mid-week pick-me-up. This semester, and it’s requisite homework will keep me home-bound (or library-bound) more than at any other time in the last five years. I am constantly planning my next vacation. I don’t have to answer to anyone about my finances, I have a pretty good chunk of disposable income with no real limits as to what I should or shouldn’t do with it.
Filed under: Life 101
Last night I found out that a friend of mine passed away. I hadn’t seen him in quite a while and we weren’t particularly close, but this news has rocked me. He had an enormous heart, a huge smile and was one of the funniest people you’d ever be lucky enough to meet. He was a stand-up comic and I had come to rely on his hilarity to get me through most Mondays, and Thursdays, and a handful of other days. His death is a shock, unexpected, and has ripped a hole in my little, comfortable world. He was 31.
Earlier last week I saw his Facebook status update that he was going to the hospital for some treatment he needed, a hospital that is just a few blocks from my house. I commented that I hoped everything was okay, and to please let me know if there was anything I could do. I thought about going up there to visit him, but with a schedule full of school and work and homework and blah blah blah, I just didn’t think I could swing it last week. I didn’t think I could find the time. A few days later I found out he had passed away and I could actually feel my heart crack a little. He was so young, he had so much ahead of him! I am sick about this, I spent most of last night in a very deep, very sad rut. I tried to make myself feel better, I told myself that my visiting him wouldn’t have changed the outcome. I know that thirty minutes with me could not have miraculously prolonged his life. I am not that special. He didn’t die because I couldn’t find the time to go say hello. But the fact remains that I still couldn’t find the time to say hello. That being said, I know I could have made him smile, and I know we would have laughed. And I regret that I didn’t have the time to laugh with someone. Not just “someone”, but a friend who was in the hospital, fighting demons I hope to never meet. I didn’t have the time.
I can guarantee I will never again let my life become more important than the people in my life.
Clint, my Big Ginger friend: You impacted so many people, you were the most real person I’ve ever met, unafraid of yourself and open to everything and everyone. Your smile and sense of humor literally would bring down the house. Your enormous heart always had room for one more person. You will be missed. Love, heidi
恭喜發財
Happy Chinese New Year!
Unlike most of the Western world, I rarely resolve anything in January. I make resolutions for Chinese New Year, every year. I generally have a pretty good idea of what I want to accomplish by the beginning of January, but I have found that if I wait until Lunar New Year sometime in February I have a much higher success rate. Except for last year. The Year of the Tiger (2010) was a doozy for me and, frankly, I only accomplished perhaps 20% of what I set out to do. I could make excuses and toss out (perfectly valid) justifications, but I won’t. I’m just gonna chalk it up to one really crap year and move on.
The Tiger List: A Recap (original resolution list here)
Go skiing or snowboarding or snowshoeing with some regularityWIN! (evidence here and here)- Hike Mt. Timpanogos FAIL
- Run 2 5k’s FAIL
- Post two new recipe’s per week to heidikins cooks DOUBLE FAIL (no posts since MARCH!)
- Finish one creative project per month PROBABLY A FAIL
- Refinish dining room table FAIL
- Acquire modern-looking chairs to go with dining room table FAIL
- Photograph, organize and label the rest of my shoes FAIL
Read 60 booksWIN!- Send a handwritten note once a week FAIL (but I did send my nieces and nephews postcards everytime I went out of town!)
- Save downpayment for a new car (or new-to-me car) FAIL
- Scuba-dive in the ocean FAIL
- Visit two Utah National Park’s I haven’t visited before FAIL
- Visit three states I haven’t visited before FAIL
Plan and enjoy two international vacationsWIN!
My goals for 2011 are a little more manageable…well, when you throw in the “graduate from college” thing it is still as overwhelming, but I’m learning to not be quite so excessive in my plans and a touch (or a lot) more conservative in my time-management assessment. I have high hopes of accomplishing all, or at least 80%, of my list for this year.
The Rabbit List (2011)
- Graduate from University
- Pay off student loan
- Plan and take two international vacations
- Visit two Utah National Parks (I’m thinking Bryce Canyon and Canyonlands)
- Visit the Spiral Jetty
- Implement a regular exercise regimen (I expect this won’t happy until after I graduate)
- Hike Mt. Timpanogos
- Read 30 books
- Photograph, organize and label the rest of my shoes (My Shoeologist project is helping with this, big time)
- Send Christmas cards
The Action Plan
- Graduate from University: Barring any D’s or F’s, I am set to walk at commencement on May 6. I’ll have one more class to take over the summer to finish off my degree, but then I’ll be done!
- Pay off student loan: This is set for June!
- Plan and take two international vacations: I have my heart set on Japan (and maybe China!) in the first half of the year, and a few ideas to spice up the last half (Turkey? Morocco? England/France?)
- Visit two Utah National Parks: I already have plans in motion for one, and come hell or high water I’ll make it to another!
- Visit the Spiral Jetty: This. Must. Happen.
- Implement a regular exercise regimen: get me through this semester, then we’ll talk.
- Hike Mt. Timpanogos: The best time to do this is in August, which will be perfect after a summer of hiking and exercising.
- Read 30 books: Last year was 60, this year I have less than half the time to read for leisure, I think 30 will be a good goal.
- Photograph, organize and label the rest of my shoes: The organization part is done, the photograph part is almost done, the labeling…it will happen!
- Send Christmas cards: I’ve wanted to do this for a few years but always thought I needed a cute husband or cute kids or, at the very least, a pet to justify the card. That’s stupid–I’m sending them anyway!
Year of the Rabbit, I will own you!
Yesterday morning I was running a titch late to work, but nothing to really worry about. I picked my way across the snowy, icy street to my car, sighed at the crusting of salt covering EVERYTHING, and started down the block. Exactly one block from my apartment I have to cross a fairly busy street, I usually try and avoid this intersection, there is a drive-thru coffee shop on the corner with a cluster of vehicles crowding into the street and X street is the main thru-fare in my neighborhood. It can take several minutes for a break in traffic to get across the street. But, I waited patiently, listening to the BBC on the radio (yes, I still listen to the radio), minding my own business.
SCREEEECH!
SLAM-CRUNCH!!
Swear words. (Which, by the way, was the actual term that went through my head. Not #*$&, or ^(@#, or #!@$&!.)
I glanced in my rear-view mirror to confirm what I already knew: I had been rear-ended. I turned off my engine and got out to assess the damage and talk to the other driver, who I’ll call The Jerk. The Jerk was pissed. Specifically, The Jerk was pissed at me. He was swearing up a storm that would have probably made a Marine blush. He accused me of not going through the cussing intersection when I cussing should have/could have, which was the only cussing reason he ran into me and cussity-cuss-cuss.
While my ears were assaulted by every swear word I’ve heard of, and a half-dozen new ones I checked out the damage to my car (minimal) and his (also minimal) and did a quick self-assessment of my body (fine). A few minutes later he still hadn’t stopped yelling obscenities and when I told him I would like his insurance information he announced that it was MY fault and he wasn’t paying anything (of course, with another dozen curses of me, God, the insurance industry, and the world-at-large). I told him, politely and calmly, that I was going to call the police and file an official accident report and we’d let the officer make that call. I pulled out my cell phone and he let off yet another hail of curses. He told me that if I didn’t put my cussing phone back in my cussing pocket right this cussing minute he was just going to leave. I continued with my phone call and firmly mentioned that if he did so I would report him for a hit-and-run, and then I repeated his license plate number back to him (something I had memorized when he started with the yelling and cursing and kicking of (his) tires). He stopped howling for about 20 seconds and looked at me. There I was, calm and collected but silently fuming at being treated so poorly. In my skirt and heels I think he had initially thought I was some dumb blonde push-over. Au contraire, mon ami! I am not about to let some jerk-face #$*&-wad boss me around, not on your life.
I called the police, told them the situation, mentioned that the driver who I believed was at fault was threatening and pushy and had mentioned leaving the scene; three minutes later two cars carrying Salt Lake’s finest arrived and sorted out The Jerk. No, that doesn’t mean they tased and cuffed him, sadly. Officer Awesome wrote him a ticket, made sure I was alright after the fender-bender and the verbal assault, and lectured The Jerk about his anger management issues, particularly when he was a) in the wrong and b) in front of a lady. (Did you hear that? Officer Awesome called me a lady. Awww.)
I continued on my way to work, now an hour late, a bit crankier and with the morbid anticipation of a little soreness.
Would you like the good news in all of this? I mean, besides the fact that I am a lady in the face of a self-possessed jerk-face monster (who, it should be noted, very much resembled a water buffalo). This morning when I woke up I wasn’t sore. Not at all. My neck was fine, my back feels great, my hips and everything have no aches or pains. If you’ve been around these parts for a while you may remember the really horrible car accident I was in 3-years ago and the resulting mangled car and months and months of intense pain.
This is nothing like that.
A little chocolate, a little Dr. Pepper, and a scheduled massage for this weekend should put me right again. (And don’t worry, I’ve got an appointment to get checked out JUST IN CASE this afternoon. I’ve been to this particular rodeo before and I know the ropes, but please accept this pre-emptive “thank you” for your concern on that front.)
I’m guest posting today for Abby over at Bright Yellow World. Learn how to make a gingerbread house–from scratch–by clickity-click-clicking on over there. If you already came from Abby’s house, um, Hi. I’m heidikins. Nice to have you here, settle in and stay a while, won’t you? Would you like a cupcake?
December has become a time of reflection for me, it is for many people I guess. This year I’ve had a lot of things to ponder, things are so very different for me right now than they were a year ago. I could not have predicted in any way where I would be and where I am heading. I’m not disappointed with where I’m at, not at all. It’s different than expected, but it’s also wonderful. Unexpected, but awesome.
A friend of mine sent me the following, and it explains so much better my thoughts. Our situations are vastly different, but the sentiment is the same.
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this…
When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”
“Holland?!” you say. “What do you mean, Holland?” I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.
But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to some horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.
So you must go out and buy a new guidebook. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It’s just a different place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”
The pain of that will never, ever, go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.
I am no longer going to “Italy”, I don’t know if I was ever meant for Italy. A year ago I would have sworn up and down that I would go to Italy no matter what, and now I’m almost positive it’s not for me. I’m in Holland. I don’t know if I’ll stay in Holland, but I’m here now and I’ve finally come to appreciate Holland. It’s a good place to be.
