Several months ago I went to this awesome sort-of book club, a group of about 100 people broke out into a few separate rooms and talked about one or two of their favorite books. I kept a running list of ones I wanted to check out and walked away with 15 new recommendations. The dangerous part of this is that I added 15 new books to my already towering “To Read” pile. Sigh. It’s a never-ending battle, me vs. the irresistible novel. At any rate, at this book-a-thon, there was a particular title that was raved about by several intelligent, witty persons I respect: Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. It came so highly recommended I excitedly ordered a used copy and waited somewhat impatiently for the Big Brown Truck to deliver the booky goodness to me. I started reading. I stopped. I made a sandwich. I started again. I stopped. I watched an old episode of Project Runway. I started reading. I stopped. I flipped through the J. Crew catalog. I started reading….this went on for a solid three months before I gave up on the book completely, I read about 80% of it and haven’t picked it up since. I tried, really I did, but I just couldn’t get over the pages and pages of philosophical ranting: quality over quantity. I get it, can we skip to the end now?
There is only one bit of this book that I really liked, the author is talking about going on long cross-country motorcycle trips and about how important it is to tune his bike every time he uses it. To check all the gauges and wires and everything and make small adjustments to prevent big problems later. This is an idea I love, it is a practice I can respect and one I would like to incorporate more fully into my life.
I am a work in progress. I have flaws, lots of them. I make mistakes, lots of them. I have hurt people unintentionally and I am ashamed to admit that at times I have even hurt someone intentionally; I am not proud of that, but it is part of who I am/who I was. Sometimes, I’m a complete mess. Sometimes I have breakdowns and emotional meltdowns and sometimes I can blame it on PMS and other times I can’t. Most of the time I feel pathetically inadequate for the task at hand and can see these huge gaping holes where I am found lacking. I get scared and balk at change, I get scared and run away, I even get scared and lash out. Sometimes I am aware of this fear while it is taking it’s toll, and sometimes it isn’t until after the fact that I can point out where I went wrong. And sometimes I can’t point out where I went wrong.
So let me try and apply the idea of making continuous small adjustments to myself in order to prevent a big, messy, emotional clustercuss.
…
This is actually harder than that first nonchalant sentence would lead one to believe. The fact is I have not been taking care of myself for quite a while and I have found myself smack dab in the middle of an enormous clustercuss one that seems unmanageable and scary and all-around impossible. (Isn’t that, by definition, the case with any clustercuss?) I have spiraled to a place I can no longer control, and if you’ve seen my color-coordinated closet and alphabetized spice shelf you’ll know I can be a complete control freak prefer having a firm grasp on the situation at hand. When I find myself in a place where I am no longer in control, I tend to panic. I don’t act rationally, I don’t think logically, I don’t behave in any kind of linear way. I have had the fortunate experience to be in that place of internal chaos with someone who has the inexplicable skill to defuse the situation and infuse my frenzied brain with a sense of calm. I have also had the misfortune to be in that chaos with a someone whose own sometimes irrational or illogical behaviors can push me over the edge of sanity.
I am not pinning my emotional spin on him, I am as much to blame as anyone else. I knew I was spinning, I didn’t walk away. Well, I did, literally, but then I kept turning around. He kept asking me to turn around and I didn’t say no. I could have, but I didn’t. Without exception, I am one-hundred-percent accurate in identifying when I am headed towards a collapse. Ninety-eight percent of the time I walk away ages before I reach that precipice. Ninety-eight percent will get you a raise, ninety-eight percent will get you a 4.0, ninety-eight percent is awesome in most areas of your life. But in this particular case it is not enough. I feel like 98% is a fail. The simple fact is I lost control. I had gone too long without a tune-up and I lost it. When a motorcycle breaks down you may be stranded, you can get caught in the rain or the blazing sun and you may get wet or sunburned or be uncomfortable. When a person I break down you I end up sitting in the bathtub reopening old scars I swore I’d never touch.
The theory behind cutting is that the person feels they must be in control of their own pain, so when they are hurt by an “outside” person or situation they then hurt themselves to feel like they are the one in control. I am not a cutter, never have been. But when I felt so stuck and helpless in my abusive marriage I started to scrape the skin off my legs with a pumice stone. It was never a rush, but it was oddly therapeutic. As soon as I moved into my own apartment I stopped, I didn’t need to manifest my own control anymore. I was no longer a victim. As much as I may regret admitting this on The Internet for God and strangers and everyone to read, I feel like I need to get it out to prevent it happening again. Heidi, take a deep breath and do this. It will help. I promise.
Last night I sat in the shower and scraped the skin off my legs with a pumice stone that is usually reserved for the callouses on my feet. I sobbed. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I let the hot water run until it was luke-warm and then I toweled off, bandaged myself up a bit and crawled into bed. I am not looking for sympathy. This is my beast and I have to deal with it, and I have already set up appointments with Professional Beast Killers to help me do that. I cracked. I made several mistakes and ignored several blaring warning signs and ended up in the bathtub. I am better than this. I am going to take better care of myself to prevent this from happening again. This will not happen again. I am flawed and I make mistakes, but I do not have to be flawed like that, and I don’t have to make that mistake. I can control this; I have controlled this for five-plus years.
I don’t want to sound bossy, but if you feel the inclination to comment please tell me something positive, something empowering, or even an experience where you have regained control. Please, tell me something that is not “I’m so sorry.” If you can’t think of anything else, tell me your favorite kind of pie.
Econ 101. Please don’t run away, this is important. It’s about shopping.
This morning Shade Clothing, a very popular brand in these parts, announced it was going out of business and everything is marked down (up to 75%!) for their liquidation sale. The thought of them going out of business was a little bizarre–they are very popular, they just opened a brand new ENORMOUS flagship store. Almost everyone I know either has Shade items, or Shade knock-offs. They are kind of a big deal.
At any rate, I had purchased a few things on Monday, so during my lunch break I went back to see if anything was cheaper for a price-adjustment. And I was shocked. Every single item I purchased on Monday (on sale, mind you, because I’m cheap) was priced at twice as much as I paid for it. That is not a typo–twice as much, 100% more expensive.
Example 1: I bought this dress on Monday for $14.99. By any and all standards, that is a really good deal.
Today, this same dress went “on sale” for the liquidation at the bargain price of $30.99 (original price $38.50).
Example 2: I bought a pile of these belts for $3.99 each (inlucding 2 gold ones, worn together over the dress pictured above, which was adorable).
Today these belts are “on sale” for $7.99 each (original price $10.50 each).
Sound fishy?
No, it sounds smart. This is a brilliant marketing ploy. Shade announces a HUGE SALE that no one will ignore (Liquidation! Everything must go! Up to 75% Off!) Everyone who has any interest in Shade clothing makes plans to go to one of their stores, or logs onto their website looking for back-to-school deals. They see items “on sale” and purchase them in multiples, thinking they are getting a great deal. Meanwhile, Shade rakes in extra profits on clothing they couldn’t sell at a lower–although less advertised–price. This is the law of supply and demand. I will not draw the graph here, but just so you know, there is a graph that explains all this.
So, let’s recap. Shade announces they are going out of business and jacks up their prices. You purchase items you would not have otherwise spent money on, thinking you are getting a bargain. Shade pockets the extra revenue.
Who wins? I win. Because I went shopping on Monday. And thus endeth your Economics 101 Lesson. Class dismissed.
Filed under: Life 101
I logged into Facebook today, just like any other day, and was met with this hilarious coupling of Recommended Stuff I Should Care About But Don’t Because I Don’t Use Facebook For Politics, But Rather For It’s Intended Purpose: Stalking People.
Edited To Add:
Sometimes you just need to get away; and sometimes you happen to have a work-related overnighter that coincides with that need. The combination of these two events means not only that The Universe has an eye on you, but also that you have been dutifully tipping your waitresses and all that good karma has finally caught up with you. I am currently stuffed full of Mexican food and contentedly curled up in a big, fluffy hotel bed watching a fantastic summer storm.
This is the part where I think I’m supposed to make some kind of metaphor about recharging batteries, the thing is I just don’t have enough juice to make that comparison without using every possible cliche. So I won’t.
(I bet you thought this was the part where I went ahead and made that comparison anyway, right? Nope–not gonna do it.)
Instead, allow me to point out the amazing rainbow I saw from the freeway this evening. Oh my goodness, it was so gorgeous! I pulled over and snapped a few pictures, which of course don’t do it justice at all. It is now several hours later and I am still thinking about storms washing away all the dirt, rainbows, God,promises, fresh starts and new beginnings.
Yes, this is exactly what I need right now.
[insert the sound of my head exploding.]
[while you're at it, why don't you make that a double head-explosion.]
I have entered a new kind of life, the kind where my head explodes at least once per day. My head has been packed full of all sorts of drivel lately it’s like a ticking-time-bomb, waiting for disaster.
This summer semester I went back to school—nothing fancy, I’m still working on a bachelor’s degree. That being said, I haven’t taken a full-load of classes for five years. I could sleep until ten every day, go to class, go to work and stay up until 3 am every day without feeling any adverse affects. Um, apparently I’m old now because that sounds like hell. Except for the sleeping until 10 am every day, that part I could do. I have class four nights a week, that means Monday-Thursday evenings until I am cooped up in a classroom for 3 hour blocks trying to digest a barrage of information about the financial markets, the banking system, the federal reserve and the job market. I’m an economics major and while that may sound really horrible I actually don’t mind it. It’s interesting, relevant, and I only have 6 more classes to take before I’m done—which prevents me from jumping into another, more glamorous major. Six classes! That’s it! I should be graduating in May 2011. (Can I please get a collective “Woot Woot!” from the blogosphere? Thank you.)
A few weeks ago I started a new job, a really great job. I have no real complaints except that it takes up approximately 9.5 hours of my day when you factor in lunch breaks and commute time. This would not be a problem under normal circumstances, but with my evenings full of school and my days full of work I have approximately 4 hours of free time per day. I have been on a bit of a health-kick lately, cutting out sugar and soda, reducing carbs, and going running 5-6 times per week. Stop. Hold on. Five or Six Times A Week?! Yep, that’s right. I have a schedule. Every morning at 6 am I meet Andrea at the high school track and we run. Or, she runs and I huff and puff and heave and wheeze and pretend that I can run. I’m getting better—but it’s been tougher than I thought (again, I’m getting old.)
The fitness regimen has helped keep my stress level manageable, but it also leaves me with only 3 hours of free time per day, an hour of which is generally spent doing things like showering and getting dress and curling my eyelashes. Things like laundry and dishes and scrubbing the bathrooms are left undone for days (or weeks!) at a time.
If you are doing the math in your head, all of the above leave me with little time to do anything but stare at the wall, stuffing chocoalte-covered potato chips celery sticks into my mouth like a drone. Sigh—only another month until the end of the semester and a much needed break.
Filed under: Life 101
The subtitle of my blog is “Life, Love and the Pursuit of Stiletto’s”; cutesy, warm-fuzzy, borderline trite. And yes, I talk about ponies and cupcakes and pedicures. In fact, I venture to say most of my topics are of the completely unimportant kind; I am mostly okay with this. I am not one of those high functioning people who has Really Deep Thoughts all the time. My brain is far too convoluted for that sort of thing; fact is, I have a pretty high standard for dysfunction. I know The Internet can be a pretty cruel and unforgiving place; and I routinely wonder why on earth I put so much of my self here where anyone can read, and judge, and criticize. On the flip-side, I believe that this little corner of The Internet has some of the kindest, most sympathetic people peeking in every now and then.
Problems: I has them.
And I am not so great at writing about said problems. And when they arrive, unannounced, at all the same time like Aunt Dorothy and her sniveling brood, I become kind of like an ostrich–I stick my head in the proverbial sand and wait for the dust to settle. This does not mean that I ignore my problems; it means that the only way I know how to deal with them is to isolate myself from everything and everyone else. I’m sure if I wanted to I could fill my blog up with fluffy nothingness and you wouldn’t be the wiser; but it feels disingenuous. And in times like these the last thing I want to force is a fake smile and pretend that nothing is wrong. That seems like covering up problems. I don’t want to bury my problems, suffocating them into submission; I want to resolve them and drop kick them into oblivion.
Life, Love and the Pursuit of Stiletto’s.
My life? It’s just on the other side of shambles. I feel like every time I make a little progress I am forced a couple of steps back, and that is a long, slow, hard way to get out of the woods.*
My relationships? They are so tangled that at times I wonder if they will ever smooth out. At other times I wonder if the process of smoothing things out isn’t worse than living with the tangle.
My shoes? Well, my shoes still make me smile; at least while I’m fighting through these tangley woods I’ll be appropriately heeled.
*I’m on my way out of the woods and back into my own good graces–and the good graces of The Vast World of the Internets–but it is a very intricate and not easily definable process. And since I have a hard time putting into words what I’m doing and how I’m feeling and how it affects me, I have a hard time blogging about it. And because I can hardly think of anything else, it is impossible for me to pretend-away the hard stuff and just blog about cupcakes and ponies and other warm fuzzies. I just can’t do it.
Hi.
Hi, Hi.
It’s me. The girl who freaked out last week and disappeared. I am slowly answering your many lovely comments, the amount of support I have felt pouring through my laptop has had me seriously questioning my power source. I had no idea The Internets was such a wonderful place. I mean, I kind of did–The Internets is the home of Google and Etsy and AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com, but sometimes I forget that on the other side of this foggy cloud of Internet there are real people with real stories and real lives and an enormous capacity for sympathy, empathy and love. The comments, the emails, the phone calls, the drop-ins, the hours and hours spent talking/crying/sobbing to girlfriends (and the few man-friends who I can trust with my emotional messes) about everything and nothing. The people in The Internets are awesome, and I would like to cyber-grovel at the feet of every person who sent something kind, thoughtful, or humorous. A single paragraph from a mostly-stranger has this wonderful way of brightening my entire day, and I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart.
That being said, I feel like I need to remove the Negative Points from my current state of being.
I am still unemployed.
My back still hurts.
The stuff with the people is still stuff that kind of sucks, but some things are getting easier.
BUT…but…there is a proverbial silver lining.
*I have a new stash of chocolate chips, and mint chocolate chips, and skor-bit chocolate chips, and peanut butter chips…the baking possibilities are endless!
*I have been reaccepted back in to the University, and in approximately 12 months I will finally have that damn piece of paper that says “You did it!” This piece of paper means the world to me–I will have it.
*After a particularly painful doctor’s appointment where four ribs were popped back into place in my spine (ouchie-cha-cha! Hello! that hurts!), the back pain has alleviated a bit. I’m still uncomfortable, but the constant, throbbing, leg-numbing pain has subsided. For now. Pesky ribs.
*Over the weekend I spent some quality time with my favorite composer, Rachmaninoff, at the Utah Symphony. I wore my favorite dress, I wore a new pair of (magenta! ruffly!) heels, I felt cultured and chic and even a little bit classy.
*Through a very generous donation, I will not be paying tuition. I’m sorry, did you catch that? Let me say it again. I will not be responsible for paying my tuition. That’s right. This is not a donation from Uncle Sam who thinks I should just finish already. A real person, a flesh and blood kind of person, has insisted on paying my tuition until I graduate. I was baffled at first (who am I kidding, I’m still baffled)–and then I started to cry. And that has been repeated several times a day for a week. Baffled, Sob. Baffled, Sob. Swab face, rinse, and repeat. I have an appointment this week with my University to make sure I take the quickest possible path to graduation. The rumor is that I will still have to take Econometrics (which is a mix between Statistics and Economics….and it’s scary!) and I am hoping they’ll change the rules by my last semester and I can skip it. Here’s hoping anyway.
These are very small victories (except for the tuition thing…that’s HUGE!), but in a dearth of large victories (again, angels bearing the costs of tuition is an ENORMOUS plus, not a small victory), the small ones have to count for something. I don’t really feel like I am quite to a comfortable plateau where I can just chill for a bit, take a rest, have a snack, etc. But I do feel like I am emotionally back to Square One. The Beginning. And it’s really the only place to properly start (over).
Dear Internet,
Last week was a really hard week. Really hard; one for the record books. And, believe me, it has been recorded. Elsewhere. It has been recorded elsewhere. So many things happened, and most of them I just can’t talk write about. And it’s been hard to think or write about anything else. So I haven’t been writing. I’ve been baking. And now I’m out of chocolate chips and must face the real world. Sadly, I must face it sans my stash of emergency chocolate; without which, by the way, the real world is so much more tedious.
I can’t get into the long, complicated, messy version of anything here, but I will give you the condensed version. Keep in mind, this has happened since last Tuesday, goodness, it’s been a rough week.
1. For the last little while I have been really excited about a New Life Development, which I have mentioned a little here, but not much. Well, last week there was a huge explosion in New Life Development and I’m still trying to pick up the pieces; they aren’t really fitting together as well as I had thought. It’s been messy. Ugly and messy. This is one I won’t be delving further in to, but I feel like I had to at least air the situation a bit. It gives a point of reference for the rest of this list.
2. I found out last week that I have some incredible back problems. I have been in constant, increasing pain for a few months and finally went to see a new doctor about it. I am really worried about what he had to say; terrified, actually. X-rays show my spine is curved like an “S” in three different places; my left shoulder and left hip are a full 9 mm higher than my right; my pelvis is uneven; my left hip is twisted in; and he explained that my back is basically trying to twist in on itself, kind of like what happens when you wring out a towel. My spine is the towel. Doesn’t that sound pleasant? Some of this can be attributed to my car accident, but my doctor thinks that most of it is actually just degeneration of my spine, possibly inherited, but maybe just unique to me. He thinks it’s fixable (or rather, reversible), but it is a problem I will deal with for the rest of my life. Super.
3. I have made the decision to cut off all communication ties with an old friend, someone I feel like I should love dearly but, upon closer examination, someone for whom I feel nothing but pity. For the last decade this person has been passive-aggressive to an outstanding degree. This person has been hurtful and inconsiderate and rude. Sure, there have been times when we were both trying to make whatever relationship we had work, but it has never been enough. A situation happened and I realized that our relationship will never get better, it will always be unnecessarily hurtful, purposely heartbreaking. I can’t do this anymore. Part of me is relieved to not have to fight this fight anymore…but the rest of me is horribly sad that this person who should mean so much to me just…doesn’t. And never will. This is not me being overly-dramatic, the few people who have heard the whole story have been open-mouthed and speechless. It’s the kind of drama that only happens in bad first novels and trashy soap operas. D-R-A-M-A.
4. I was fired on Friday. At 7:00 at night. Via email. The only reason cited was “it’s become apparent that your heart just isn’t in this anymore.” Let me stop right there, let’s take a little stock of this situation, shall we? I work 90+ hour weeks taking care of a disabled man. I have given up my social life, my apartment, my friends; my entire life has revolved around Vladd and I have never been happier in my job. YOU CANNOT WORK THOSE KIND OF HOURS IN THIS KIND OF POSITION WITHOUT HAVING YOUR HEART IN IT NINE THOUSAND PERCENT!!! I asked for a job review a few weeks ago and never heard a WORD about anything I could do better, anything they wanted tweaked, nothing. I have heard them repeatedly saying how much they liked what I’ve been doing, how I’ve been doing it, and all of Vladd’s doctors have been very impressed with my caretaking. And then completely out of the blue I get an email telling me that my heart just isn’t in it and I’m fired. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. I have tried calling them to talk about this, they won’t return my calls. Or my email. Nothing. Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.
….And that about rounds out my life since last Tuesday…well, all that and several batches of cupcakes. And a few bags of chocolate chips. I’m not back to Square One, I’m much farther below that. I’m in the slumpy-dumps. I have not been wearing heels. I have not been reading books. I have not been reading blogs. I had to quickly “Mark All As Read” for the overwhelming 3,267 posts in my Google Reader. (I then immediately cleaned out and organized my G-Reader to prevent additional overwhelmedness.) I have not been updating Twitter or Facebook or paying attention to anything but how much more buttercream frosting I need. I have missed a ton. And I would love for you to tell me what I missed. Come on, let me know what is new in your life. Good, bad, awesome, horrible, other. Tell me about you. Please? I could use the distraction…I’m dangerously close eating the last cupcake in my stash.
I don’t make resolutions in January like the rest of you (or, the rest of you who make resolutions). I always make them for Chinese New Year instead. I don’t really know why, but I’ve done it for years and I like the tradition.
Now, the Year of the Ox (2009 for you) was a rough year for most of us, myself included. I am actually not even going to go over all the resolutions I did not keep, but will instead just give you my list for The Year of the Tiger, which began on Sunday.
The Tiger List
- Go skiing or snowboarding or snowshoeing with some regularity
- Hike Mt. Timpanogos
- Run 2 5k’s
- Post two new recipe’s per week to heidikins cooks
- Finish one creative project per month
- Refinish dining room table
- Acquire modern-looking chairs to go with dining room table
- Photograph, organize and label the rest of my shoes
- Read 60 books
- Send a handwritten note once a week
- Save downpayment for a new car (or new-to-me car)
- Scuba-dive in the ocean
- Visit two Utah National Park’s I haven’t visited before
- Visit three states I haven’t visited before
- Plan and enjoy two international vacations
That’s it folks, my List for this year. I’m crazy-excited about the whole thing, actually. I really think I’ll be able to hit every last one of these, and that makes me happy. ;o)
Happy Chinese New Year! Happy Valentine’s Day! Happy President’s Day! Happy Wednesday!
I have been working on The List from last year–and I am finally done. Not necessarily because I completed everything on said list, but because I am out of time. My deadline was Chinese New Year, which was on Sunday. A few weeks ago I posted about my progress, and from the original list of 25 items I had about seven left to do. Well, people, I didn’t complete all seven, but I did a solid four, and that has got to count for something.
Items Remaining on The List:
- Make a quilt
- Learn to ski
- Learn to make gnocchi pasta
- Photograph, organize and label the rest of my shoes.
- Try canning something like peaches or soup or something, hope for success.
- Makeover my sad, green couch, into something a little more, um, lively.
- Paint or refinish my dining table & 10 chairs…this is a BIG project.
Let’s break this down, shall we? I tried to get some kind of photographic evidence for each of these:
1. Make a Quilt
Pink Suede Shoe helped me pick out some adorable fabric, and then she babysat me through the cutting out and sewing together parts. Good thing to, because if left to my own devices I would have been all sorts of skeewampus. I still need to quilt the top of this–which will be done on my sewing machine in some kind of geometric-square pattern. But, this is done and snuggly and adorable. I love it.
2. Learn to Ski…
…which didn’t happen. My bad. I did go snowshoeing this year (and have plans to go several more times before the snow is gone) and that has got to count for something, but I did not attempt skiing. It goes back on the New List.
3. Learn to make Gnocchi Pasta
Ta-daaah! This is done! And it was delicious! And I have copious amounts of gnocchi in my freezer. To be fair, I don’t know how often I will be rolling own my own potato-pasta, it took absolutely forever. Give me a few weeks so I can use up what’s in the freezer and I may feel differently, but for now go ahead and cross this off My List.
4. Photograph, Organize, and Label the rest of my shoes…
…Well, I have not completed this if you are going by the letter of the law/item…but I have joined Shoe Per Diem and will be posting photos of my footwear daily. Or as close to daily as I can manage. This goes back on The List.
5. Try canning something and hope for success
I didn’t can peaches or soup, but I did make a small batch of jalapeno jelly, which is delicious! Again, Pink Suede Shoe babysat be through this process, let me stink up her kitchen with apple cider vinegar, and borrow her canning equipment. She’s a doll like that. But, by the end of the morning I had 6 jars of goodness and one more thing crossed off my list.
6. Make over my sad, green couch into something a bit more lively
This is not my sad green couch, this is my even sadder and more scary-blue-plaid couch. I decided that it needed a little help more than the not-scary green one. A couple of king-sized sheets from Target, a few pillows and voila! Classy couch! I am totally counting this.
7. Paint or refinish my dining room table and 10 chairs
You will note…there is no “After” picture. Here is the thing, I have made the executive decision that I do not like the chairs enough to bother refinishing them. I will strip and stain the table in a dark cherry-mahogany color, but I think I will replace the chairs with something like this:
Thoughts?
