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Blog Share 2010

The following is not written by me.  It’s by Anonymous.  Today is the First Great Blog Share of 2010; participants have sent the delightful host, Abbersnail, the ranting and venting they cannot publish on their own blogs and she has distributed it to bloggy safe-havens.  My rant is somewhere out there under another the (ubiquitous) pseudonym Anonymous.  The list of all participating blogs is at the end of this post, go forth and read the honest, the real, the heartbreaking, the awesome.  And please leave your resident Anonymous poster a little comment love.

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I am quitting my job. For real this time.

I’ve said it many times before. I even had something approaching a plan last summer, but a friend and co-worker talked me out of it. Her reasoning went like this: “You can tell the boss that you’re unhappy, and maybe she’ll fix it. Or you can quit, and you’ll have to tell the boss anyway.”

This was a very good point. I told the boss.

The person in charge of my department is an amazing woman. I adore her and will remain very loyal to her even after I’m gone. I cried when I told her I was unhappy. I couldn’t believe it when she said she would fix the problem.

I went back to the three people who’d offered me jobs, and I told them that I was staying in my current position. I believed then, and I still believe, that if your boss tells you not to go because the problem is fixable, you owe it to your boss to stick around to see if it really can be fixed.

It turns out that the problem is not fixable, because I am part of the problem. I’m not going to get into the details, because that’s all you really need to know. If I did not react the way I do, there would be no problem at all. A stronger person than I would not be looking for work.

So here I am, looking for work and considering how to tell the boss, the truly lovely woman I am very loyal to. I have the beginnings of a plan. It involves taking a vacation this summer that is timed perfectly so that I can leave my job, have a real holiday, and come back to the new job. Somehow I doubt it will all work out quite so well. But it’s nice to imagine.

I made the decision to leave in a heartbeat on Thursday, April 29. I left a meeting, and I was angry. Even a few days later, I did not remember what I was angry about. I suppose that’s very telling.  Anyway, I was angry, and ranting to myself, and by chance, inside my head, I said seven little words: “I thought things would be better when — “.

And I stopped.

And I realized that I have said those words to myself before. Time after time, I have reassured myself that things would be better at some point in the future. I always had a date in mind. And when that date came, and things were not better, I would adjust the timeline and tell myself that things would be better on another date in the future.  But things don’t change, even when the calendar does, because I am part of the problem.

It takes much longer to explain it than it actually took to happen.  Inside my head, it went like this: “I thought things would be better when — oh.” And it was done. I made up my mind in that moment that I was leaving. And, just like that, the problem no longer bothered me. It is over.

I am very sad to think about leaving all of the wonderful people who have made my working experience so great over the past few years. But it is a huge relief to know that I am leaving.

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For the rest of the blog share entries, please see the list below:

A Little Coffee
With My Cream and Sugar
And You Know
What Else
Another Bloody Mary
Bright Yellow World
Cake or Death
Dispatches from
the Failed Mommies Club
Feel Me Don’t You
Heidikins
Hot
Chicks Dig Smart Men
Kirida
Malfeasance
My 33 People
Nothing Is Easier Than Self-Deceit
Postcards from Inania
Rediscovering Me
Snow
Covered Hills
Tales of a
tree-hugging 2L
The Gay
White North
The Little Goat
The Opposite
of Classy

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