Filed under: Life 101
The subtitle of my blog is “Life, Love and the Pursuit of Stiletto’s”; cutesy, warm-fuzzy, borderline trite. And yes, I talk about ponies and cupcakes and pedicures. In fact, I venture to say most of my topics are of the completely unimportant kind; I am mostly okay with this. I am not one of those high functioning people who has Really Deep Thoughts all the time. My brain is far too convoluted for that sort of thing; fact is, I have a pretty high standard for dysfunction. I know The Internet can be a pretty cruel and unforgiving place; and I routinely wonder why on earth I put so much of my self here where anyone can read, and judge, and criticize. On the flip-side, I believe that this little corner of The Internet has some of the kindest, most sympathetic people peeking in every now and then.
Problems: I has them.
And I am not so great at writing about said problems. And when they arrive, unannounced, at all the same time like Aunt Dorothy and her sniveling brood, I become kind of like an ostrich–I stick my head in the proverbial sand and wait for the dust to settle. This does not mean that I ignore my problems; it means that the only way I know how to deal with them is to isolate myself from everything and everyone else. I’m sure if I wanted to I could fill my blog up with fluffy nothingness and you wouldn’t be the wiser; but it feels disingenuous. And in times like these the last thing I want to force is a fake smile and pretend that nothing is wrong. That seems like covering up problems. I don’t want to bury my problems, suffocating them into submission; I want to resolve them and drop kick them into oblivion.
Life, Love and the Pursuit of Stiletto’s.
My life? It’s just on the other side of shambles. I feel like every time I make a little progress I am forced a couple of steps back, and that is a long, slow, hard way to get out of the woods.*
My relationships? They are so tangled that at times I wonder if they will ever smooth out. At other times I wonder if the process of smoothing things out isn’t worse than living with the tangle.
My shoes? Well, my shoes still make me smile; at least while I’m fighting through these tangley woods I’ll be appropriately heeled.
*I’m on my way out of the woods and back into my own good graces–and the good graces of The Vast World of the Internets–but it is a very intricate and not easily definable process. And since I have a hard time putting into words what I’m doing and how I’m feeling and how it affects me, I have a hard time blogging about it. And because I can hardly think of anything else, it is impossible for me to pretend-away the hard stuff and just blog about cupcakes and ponies and other warm fuzzies. I just can’t do it.
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I’ve missed you. Here’s to untangling fast.
Comment by Heather W 2010 March 22 @ 6:01 pmWe don’t know each other in real life, but I really enjoy checking out your blog now and again, and you ARE smart, and you DO have deep and intellectual leanings, because otherwise you wouldn’t be such a compelling writer who knows how to create a fascinating narrative story of her life and adventures. Don’t sell yourself short! Also, feel better soon.
Comment by Molly 2010 March 22 @ 6:23 pmMaybe you should put your feet in the sand instead of your head. If you want a travel buddy, just let me know! Hugs darling.
Comment by PomJob 2010 March 22 @ 6:29 pmMiss and love you lady – virtual hugs available any time. xoxo
Comment by Laurel 2010 March 22 @ 6:48 pmI hear you. My life exploded about 2 years ago and I’m still picking up the pieces (and watching some of those pieces continue to crumble). That’s about the time I stopped blogging to.
I hope your life starts looking up. I know sometimes it feels like its never going to get better but it will.
Comment by Monica 2010 March 22 @ 8:51 pmI totally get it. Some life events are blog topics and some just aren’t. Some things must be figured out before they are shared! And pretend butterflies are just not any good. Hang in there…I wish I had more than sympathy to offer, and this thought: *I* think you are awesome!
Comment by Amy So 2010 March 22 @ 9:48 pmI like this post a lot. Really well said, and it speaks to how I’m feeling about a lot of things these days too. It’s hard when you start a blog and you try to be honest, and your honest and open stuff gets all the attention, then the shit hits the fan, and you feel like you need to step back and decide if letting it all out there is the right thing to do. Meanwhile you write about mundane things that have nothing to do with everything that is consuming your entire life, and you aren’t sure if that’s the right thing to do either. It’s hard. I’m sorry that you are experiencing hard times. I’m feeling it too. I guess we all do sometimes. Here’s to brighter days.
Comment by Sra 2010 March 23 @ 12:58 amOh Heidi, I hope things untangle really really really soon. xo
Comment by Allie 2010 March 23 @ 2:39 amawwww. I think everyone’s life is a mess. Even if they don’t admit it. I hope things get better really soon for you
Comment by Carmen 2010 March 23 @ 6:36 am[insert wonderful, loving comment here]
[insert hug and kiss here]
[insert chocolate volcano cake here]
Comment by Britt 2010 March 23 @ 7:59 amI’m the same way when I hit a rough patch. I turn inward & I work internally on the issues. I just…can’t put them out there. So I get quiet & I work behind the scenes. Hang in there. It always gets better, even when we think it won’t.
Comment by Dawn 2010 March 23 @ 8:08 amI sooo know what you mean, I haven’t blogged for about 6 months now, I put something about the split, which was tasteful & non judgemental & then all hell broke loose with all sorts of stuff not really related to the split but basically I felt like the world was giving me a really good kicking! Things are starting to even out a little now & my internet service should be back just after easter so I should be able to blog again, but i’m kinda wondering if i should, i have no idea what i’ll say & how much of it either as the x reads my blog! mine was supost to just be a craft blog but i ware my heart on my sleeve & it ended up becomming my public diary!
Comment by grungedandy 2010 March 23 @ 8:34 ami find if you just fill with fluff & carry on the blog suffers it feel fake & you loose interest in it but sometimes things are just too painful or too raw to put out there!
so you have my understanding & I really hope the light starts to shine through for you! I too think your totally awsome & love to read your blog, it helps me believe that I can make it work out too! seeya hugya *G*
Care to swap the hair full of sand for painted toes and girl conversation? I mean if you’re gonna hide sometimes – it might as well be at a salon. Who’s with me?!??!?! (like, serious…)
Serious note – you’re awesome. True story. And as one who has also been pushed into the dirt a couple times, it does pass, things do get better, and just believing that really makes the rough times not so rough
Comment by Andrea 2010 March 23 @ 8:45 amPS: and my ‘monster’ that represents me is always the same square funny blue guy. That is all.
Comment by Andrea 2010 March 23 @ 8:46 amSending hugs your way, sweet Heidi.
Comment by Angella 2010 March 23 @ 2:03 pmYou remind me of me. And that’s not a bad thing. Lots of years ago, I canceled Halloween plans because I was in the middle of big life decisions. Normally, not the end of the world. Only, I had friends in from out of town. And I was sort of the main organizer of these plans. Yet, I sent my out-of-town friends out with my roommate and stayed home. I cannot fake happiness. And I don’t want to bring others down.
Take whatever time you need. Know you have a lot of fans here ready to support you should you need it … and patiently awaiting your return should you not.
Comment by Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks 2010 March 23 @ 2:55 pmI’m so sorry you’re going through hard times right now.. I can relate to you. Sure, maybe my problems are a different set, but they are problems nonetheless. About a year ago I was going through boxes of our stuff from one of our many moves and I came across a card that someone had sent me. It had a beautiful water color painting on the front of an ocean wave. On the inside, the person said that life comes in waves, and waves come in sets. My mind expounded on that and went on to think about how sometimes we ride high on the wave, on the top, feeling victorious and happy and fresh. At other times we are down in the dark trough of a wave, feeling like we’re drowning. For the past 4 years or so, Hub-E and I were in that trough. It wasn’t until this last month when we moved that we finally find ourselves coming out of it. I know you will too. I know it’s difficult right now and may seem like things will never get better. But just keep putting one foot in front of the other, baby steps, and eventually you’ll get there. Just keep hangin’ in there. And if you ever want to email me, please do so.
I hope your week is better. Maybe with Spring and warm weather coming things will feel better. Hugs!
Comment by Chiada 2010 March 24 @ 10:00 amLife gets harder, not easier I have realized. And the glorious thing in realizing that is that when crap comes, you just start to expect it. If it helps at all, I hope you realize that you make lots of other peoples crap easier just by having you around (I can attest to this) and that you have a glorious way of making going through bad things optimistic. Just sayin’ I think a lot about just trying to be a smidge more like you. You domestic goddess you.
Comment by Ashley 2010 March 24 @ 11:09 amsending all sorts of good thoughts and hugs and love your way lady. and good shoe vibes also. always.
Comment by katelin 2010 March 24 @ 5:32 pmOh Heidi. I am with you. I have stopped writing lately just because I feel like I am Eeyore, wah wah wah and it drives me crazy so I can’t imagine anyone else wants to hear about it. At the same time, just so you know, We are all thinking about you. HUGS!
Comment by Stephanie 2010 March 25 @ 7:50 amUgh. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this BS at once. But I am glad you are slowly starting to climb out of the mess. And that you have lovely shoes to climb in. xoxo
Comment by Jess 2010 March 25 @ 7:59 amSo sorry, Heidi. Wishing you some seriously de-tangling.
When I saw you Wednesday looking put-together as always I had a flash to the perfect pre-graduation job for you. You would be an incredible personal shopper. Nordstrom’s would love you. You could set your own hours (no interference with classes). Paid to shop! Great clothes! Great shoes! Beautifying the women of the world! Plus, a store discount as part of your employee benefits package. What could be better? It’s a job made just for you
Comment by Connie 2010 March 27 @ 2:58 pm