Dear Internet,
Last week was a really hard week. Really hard; one for the record books. And, believe me, it has been recorded. Elsewhere. It has been recorded elsewhere. So many things happened, and most of them I just can’t talk write about. And it’s been hard to think or write about anything else. So I haven’t been writing. I’ve been baking. And now I’m out of chocolate chips and must face the real world. Sadly, I must face it sans my stash of emergency chocolate; without which, by the way, the real world is so much more tedious.
I can’t get into the long, complicated, messy version of anything here, but I will give you the condensed version. Keep in mind, this has happened since last Tuesday, goodness, it’s been a rough week.
1. For the last little while I have been really excited about a New Life Development, which I have mentioned a little here, but not much. Well, last week there was a huge explosion in New Life Development and I’m still trying to pick up the pieces; they aren’t really fitting together as well as I had thought. It’s been messy. Ugly and messy. This is one I won’t be delving further in to, but I feel like I had to at least air the situation a bit. It gives a point of reference for the rest of this list.
2. I found out last week that I have some incredible back problems. I have been in constant, increasing pain for a few months and finally went to see a new doctor about it. I am really worried about what he had to say; terrified, actually. X-rays show my spine is curved like an “S” in three different places; my left shoulder and left hip are a full 9 mm higher than my right; my pelvis is uneven; my left hip is twisted in; and he explained that my back is basically trying to twist in on itself, kind of like what happens when you wring out a towel. My spine is the towel. Doesn’t that sound pleasant? Some of this can be attributed to my car accident, but my doctor thinks that most of it is actually just degeneration of my spine, possibly inherited, but maybe just unique to me. He thinks it’s fixable (or rather, reversible), but it is a problem I will deal with for the rest of my life. Super.
3. I have made the decision to cut off all communication ties with an old friend, someone I feel like I should love dearly but, upon closer examination, someone for whom I feel nothing but pity. For the last decade this person has been passive-aggressive to an outstanding degree. This person has been hurtful and inconsiderate and rude. Sure, there have been times when we were both trying to make whatever relationship we had work, but it has never been enough. A situation happened and I realized that our relationship will never get better, it will always be unnecessarily hurtful, purposely heartbreaking. I can’t do this anymore. Part of me is relieved to not have to fight this fight anymore…but the rest of me is horribly sad that this person who should mean so much to me just…doesn’t. And never will. This is not me being overly-dramatic, the few people who have heard the whole story have been open-mouthed and speechless. It’s the kind of drama that only happens in bad first novels and trashy soap operas. D-R-A-M-A.
4. I was fired on Friday. At 7:00 at night. Via email. The only reason cited was “it’s become apparent that your heart just isn’t in this anymore.” Let me stop right there, let’s take a little stock of this situation, shall we? I work 90+ hour weeks taking care of a disabled man. I have given up my social life, my apartment, my friends; my entire life has revolved around Vladd and I have never been happier in my job. YOU CANNOT WORK THOSE KIND OF HOURS IN THIS KIND OF POSITION WITHOUT HAVING YOUR HEART IN IT NINE THOUSAND PERCENT!!! I asked for a job review a few weeks ago and never heard a WORD about anything I could do better, anything they wanted tweaked, nothing. I have heard them repeatedly saying how much they liked what I’ve been doing, how I’ve been doing it, and all of Vladd’s doctors have been very impressed with my caretaking. And then completely out of the blue I get an email telling me that my heart just isn’t in it and I’m fired. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. I have tried calling them to talk about this, they won’t return my calls. Or my email. Nothing. Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.
….And that about rounds out my life since last Tuesday…well, all that and several batches of cupcakes. And a few bags of chocolate chips. I’m not back to Square One, I’m much farther below that. I’m in the slumpy-dumps. I have not been wearing heels. I have not been reading books. I have not been reading blogs. I had to quickly “Mark All As Read” for the overwhelming 3,267 posts in my Google Reader. (I then immediately cleaned out and organized my G-Reader to prevent additional overwhelmedness.) I have not been updating Twitter or Facebook or paying attention to anything but how much more buttercream frosting I need. I have missed a ton. And I would love for you to tell me what I missed. Come on, let me know what is new in your life. Good, bad, awesome, horrible, other. Tell me about you. Please? I could use the distraction…I’m dangerously close eating the last cupcake in my stash.
54 Comments so far
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Oh my gosh! I don’t know you and you obviously don’t me. I just started reading blogs and started thinking about starting one myself. I stumbled on your blog, and liked reading you right away. We have quite a few similarities. I think we could be friends, and if we were- I’d go out and buy you more chocolate chips and slap on a pair of oven mitts. I hate when I’m upset and people tell me what to do or how to feel so I won’t. Just know that we are all here for you. And we’ll listen as much as you want to talk.
Comment by Missy 2010 February 25 @ 9:34 amI don’t know why life always does that, dumps all the bad stuff all at once. However, it also means that you just went through all of the crap at once for one or possibly two years and now it’s all good from here. Oh yeah I was supposed to talk about me. I made chocolate croissants. They are gone now.
Comment by Sarakastic 2010 February 25 @ 9:54 amWhat a week. Sorry girl…thinking about you. If it makes you feel any better I have been listening to Brooklyn grinding her teeth all week long..all day long I might add…since she cute her top front tooth. Fabulous. We also find out what residency Brandon gets accepted to in a couple weeks. We are hoping for SLC. I’ll let you know. LOL:)
Comment by Sara 2010 February 25 @ 11:17 amthat’s how it always works: everything happens at once! But I’m sure you’ll be back on top again soon. You are a strong and beautiful woman and I know that when life gives you hell, you can give it hell right back! i hope you know what a great example you’ve been in my life and I look up to you alot. So even when you’re down, remember you once made a difference in the life of one little sophomore playing Eleanor of Aquitaine
Comment by Mackenzi 2010 February 25 @ 12:20 pmAnd ps, I went to the mall on Saturday and since I’m poor and don’t have money to actually buy it, I went and spritzed myself wtih the ducle and gabona light blue perfume. My day was excellent because I smelled like Heidi all day
Uhhh… something new in my life… nope, sorry. It is still mostly full of teh suckz, interspersed periodically with awesome friends or awesome books.
Oh! But I did join a gym. That’s, uh, something?
Comment by nancypearlwannabe 2010 February 25 @ 12:30 pmoi vey. That is some serious carnage. It seems completely unfair to have that much suckage going on at one time. *hugs!*
As to my life?…..I feel like an inflated balloon that is about to pop at any moment. Not comfy. And I have to pee more often than I want to. And yesterday I just stayed home and slept, because I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything more.
Comment by Lady Susan 2010 February 25 @ 12:38 pmHugs.
Comment by PomJob 2010 February 25 @ 12:53 pmOh my god, I am sorry. That is a week and a half. You’ve missed absolutely nothing here.
Comment by Operation Pink Herring 2010 February 25 @ 1:02 pmOh boy, that is a lot of stuff for just one week. So sorry about the job. That is really harsh to fire you like that without a good explanation (and then ignoring you). Who is it that hired you, a family member of Vladd?
Comment by Karen 2010 February 25 @ 1:03 pmGood for you for cutting the drama out of your life. It’s unhealthy and takes up so much energy. You deserve to be surrounded with people who replenish your battery instead of sucking your energy out of you.
I hope your back issues will get better. I don’t know much about it but a towel-y spine sounds kind of bad. Will you have to have surgery for it or how can they reverse it?
But anyway, you asked for a distraction… hmmmm… I just came back to Heidelberg from spending a couple of weeks at my parents’, hanging out with friends, etc. I made a Key Lime Pie on Sunday which was yummy! Have you ever made that?
Sounds to me like your next career should clearly be cupcake catering out of your home. I’m serious. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade; only in your case, when you go to the store to buy chocolate, make cupcakes! xoxo
Comment by Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks 2010 February 25 @ 1:04 pmI like your style: When life gives you lemons, you make… anything with chocolate in it.
I hope that was funny and not insensitive. Stay strong Heidi, things will turn around.
As for distraction, I’m waiting to hear from our realtor. MM & I put an offer in on a house. I refer to it as our “hot mess of a house” as the owners pretty much left all their crap and walked away from it. So that’s interesting… I guess.
Comment by Lou 2010 February 25 @ 1:07 pmCrap! Someone got to my line first!
Comment by Lou 2010 February 25 @ 1:08 pmAch, I’m sorry. It seemed clear from the blog that you really enjoyed the job. And all the rest of it too.
Comment by Lisa 2010 February 25 @ 1:20 pmOh no chica! I’m sorry to hear about everything. It seems like the world just decided to dump on you all at once
I’m going to Hong Kong for 9 days – I plan to blog about it? Yes.
Comment by Margarita 2010 February 25 @ 1:21 pmUm, my life is good (this week). But next week I will be in Phoenix all week away from my uber stressed out husband. So can you throw some cupcakes down to me in AZ next week? Maybe chocolate chip cookies too? I’m making some tonite so maybe I should just send them to you? Nothing makes me as simply happy as a good mailed package.
Comment by Stephanie 2010 February 25 @ 1:30 pmOh Heidi, what a crappy week. I am in shock about the email you got from your employer; how unhelpful and insulting. I hope/pray Good Stuff comes your way very very soon.
Comment by Allie 2010 February 25 @ 1:37 pmOK, we’ve already talked about this so you know my thoughts on the whole thing, but to sum up, hon, I’m so sorry you’re mired in this shithole right now. Square negative-2? Billion? Or something? But I know you’ve dealt with this kind of BS before and you’ll pull yourself out of this too. I’m rooting for you. xoxo.
Comment by Jess 2010 February 25 @ 1:38 pmEesh lady – sending lots of hugs and good thoughts your way. That is a horribly crappy week – i’ve gotten fired via email (the honeymoon!! GAH!) and it’s never, ever a fun experience. Especially when they won’t tell you why
Hope everything works out for you gal, you deserve it *hugs*
Comment by legallyheidi 2010 February 25 @ 1:53 pmThat is suckage. Especially the part where you were laid off by email. Totally and utterly lame.
My life has consisted of the Olympics almost non-stop. And monitoriing the diet of the down syndrome man my husband and I live with. He does not take well to monitoring.
Comment by Sherry 2010 February 25 @ 1:54 pmOh, Heidi. I’m so, so sorry. Thinking about you. xo
Comment by Angella 2010 February 25 @ 2:18 pmI’m so so sorry! You seem way too nice of a person to have any of that stuff happen to you!
I’ll keep you in my prayers.
Comment by Tootie 2010 February 25 @ 2:21 pmI’m really sorry, Heidi. I know you were invested in your job, and it’s strange how they ended things. Not fair how they did it. I’m sorry about everything else too. I hope things turn around sooner rather than later.
I’ve been spending the past couple months trying to make myself feel better after my first semester grades came out. It’s had a much larger affect on me and than I thought; I’ve been pretty depressed. But the clouds are starting to part a little. They will for you too, remember that. Hang in there.
Comment by Sra 2010 February 25 @ 2:25 pmYour life is dramatic. And it’s not little dramas, but big, huge dramas. You really go all-out all the time. I wish I could say magic words to make it better for you, but alas, I cannot. I guess the only thing I can say is to try and find the silver linings, and dip them all in chocolate.
Comment by sov 2010 February 25 @ 2:25 pmA friend posted something on FB the other day that I thought you might enjoy right about now:
“When life gives you lemons, throw them at all the people with lemonade.”
(Sorry about all the lemons.)
Comment by Colleen 2010 February 25 @ 2:36 pmDear Heidi….bless your little heart. That was the worst week ever.
Life sure can be poop. I hate that!
Good luck!
Comment by Isabel 2010 February 25 @ 3:33 pmWhen it rains it pours, or so it seems! Geez Heidi, I’m SO sorry to hear about your horrible-awful-very bad-no good week. I hate your employers and everyone else who did you wrong, what’s the matter with these people? Clearly they don’t appreciate how fabulous you are…what fools. Just keep on going and I know you will find an amazing job, etc. And if it’s any consolation, the most exciting thing going on in my life is meeting with a personal trainer last night. See? Lame!
Comment by Laura 2010 February 25 @ 3:56 pmI am so sorry. I drove past your apartment on my way to the U a few weeks ago and thought, I wonder how little Heidikins is doing.
Hugs from across the valley!
Comment by Becky 2010 February 25 @ 5:05 pmOh Heidi. I am so incredibly sorry. I have no words…I am so sorry.
Comment by Amy 2010 February 25 @ 5:34 pmaw heidi that is just awful, i’m so sorry. i would so give you a big hug and a margarita right now if i could.
however a good distraction, think puppies, rainbows, more cupcakes and all sorts of happy things!
Comment by katelin 2010 February 25 @ 6:00 pmOh sweetie!! I am so incredibly sorry about the majorly crappy week! How horrible that it all came down on you all at once. I am thinking of you and sending you our love from half way across the world! Please, please email me if you need to get stuff off your chest… I am totally here for you!! I’ll keep you in my prayers and though things totally suck now, I know you will get through this… you are one tough girl and if anyone can persevere, YOU can!! Love you!!!!
Comment by Vanessa Christensen 2010 February 25 @ 6:03 pmOh, I am SO sorry. I hope things get better soon!
Comment by Janssen 2010 February 25 @ 6:56 pmOH! MY! GOSH!
Honey, I am speechless. I’m so sorry this has been such a crummy week.
Hugs and kisses to you.
Comment by abbersnail 2010 February 25 @ 7:04 pmI am so incredibly sorry Heidi, Life is so chaoticly overwhelming at times, and though I cannot relate to many of your challenges at the moment, I can relate to one! Backs are the most develish, horribly painful little things. And I feel so so so bad for you. I do know how that feels, and it makes me hurt for you! The pain can be intollerable. Seriously truely, if you ever even need to call just to cry, I am your girl. I am so sorry about everything you are going through! I love you!
Comment by Jessica 2010 February 25 @ 7:45 pmI am in a state of complete shock!
In an email? And won’t return calls? I am so sorry.
Wish you could come help me rip the carpet out of my entire house. That’d be real therapeutic. Plus, saves me a few hundred dollars. The installer said to use pliers and a knife. Wish me luck. He comes to put in the new stuff on Wed. morning so we can get this house on the market.
Comment by Heather W 2010 February 25 @ 9:34 pmThat sounds like a nice compilation of suck. If it helps, it made me feel a little better. I had a car accident, but I don’t think I messed myself up nearly as badly as you did. I’m just having some trouble swimming. And it won’t stop snowing. But that’s kind of unrelated.
Keep at it… I think things are supposed to get better. That’s what they do.
Comment by Noelle 2010 February 25 @ 9:40 pmI’m sorry your week sucked so much butt at once…. I hope things get better in the next little while. I’ll be thinkin about ya. Hang in there!
Comment by jCroft(y) 2010 February 25 @ 10:00 pmHeidi,
Comment by Holly 2010 February 26 @ 12:31 amI’d like to eat some cupcakes too as I’m reading about your horrible week!
I feel sorry for them, because (I may not know you personal, but reading your blog, I know you’re a strong, intelligent and talented woman) their lost for not seeing what an asset you are. The insensitive jerk – who didn’t have the balls to talk to you in person and could only send that one email to tell you. Heidi, I just can’t believe they did that.
And really, you’ll be alright cause someone else will recognize what you can offer to their company. I’m wishing you the best, girlfriend.
God, Heidi. I am so sorry. It’s all dumping at once, eh? Terrible week for sure. You got real life people around to supplement the frosting?
Comment by Gwen 2010 February 26 @ 5:19 amMy heart breaks for you.
I’m so tired of my winter apathy that I just booked a ticket to Chicago in April and used a travel voucher to get my mom a flight too (she’s one of my favorite travel partners). Have you been there? Tell me what to do/see, where to eat.
Comment by Melanie 2010 February 26 @ 6:23 amOMG! I’m so very sorry, life just keeps on kicking you, just when things sounded good!
Comment by grungedandy 2010 February 26 @ 8:49 amyou have my email feel free to vent if need be, i can totally relate, all my love & hugs to you!
seeya hugya *G*
Giant hug across the valley for you!
You always pull through things remarkably well from what I read so I wish you the best and all my support to get through this one.
If you’re ever up here at the U for your back I’ll buy you lunch
Comment by Kim 2010 February 26 @ 9:24 amWant a distraction? I am supposed to be going to fort worth with my boyfriend this weekend to run a half marathon (his first). Yesterday, I was stuck at home sick as a dog, surrounded by dogs, with a temperature and everything. Feeling better today, but just not sure if this run this is going to happen.
Hang in there, sweetie. I’m sending as much hugs and support I can via internet.
Comment by sjohn714 2010 February 26 @ 10:30 amAwww, honey, I’m so sorry. When I got to the part about you being fired, my heart went out to you and I literally sighed out loud and shook my head. What a time you’re having… I really feel for you. Wish I could give you a hug and take you out to tea or something.
Hub-E and I moved into a new place two weekends ago. We got that tiny little house that I wrote about. It’s around 400 square feet and we’re seriously downsizing, simplifying, and reducing all of our stuff. The place has no storage so we’re getting creative with that. But the views are tremendous and the town itself is awesome. So we are very thankful to have found the place where we could bring our two dogs, cat, and five chickens. Currently I’m commuting 35 minutes to work three days a week and I’m looking for full time work closer to the new home. In this economy there is so much competition for a job, so it might take a few months before I actually get one.
Keep your chin up. You’re a sweet, caring, sunshiney person. I know things will work out for you.
Comment by Chiada 2010 February 26 @ 11:05 amThat sucketh, that sucketh, that sucketh!!!! All of it!!! I’m so, so, so sorry, for all of it! I’d say you should go for a run…except I don’t know if that would hurt your back or not.
So, cyber hug: {{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}
Yeah. Doesn’t fix much.
I don’t know if you want happy-happy stuff to make you feel better, or if you want oh-yeah-my-life-sucks-as-well, so I will give you both. We just got home from a lovely (albeit quick) trip to Disneyland. We spent yesterday at the beach on a perfectly sunny (albeit a little bit chilly) day. Everyone was happy! and running through the surf! And there were bajillions of shells! and pelicans! it was awesome.
Then, 24 hours ago, we were in Vegas driving around trying to figure out what to eat while DH and I had a lovely, great-big-ol argument in furious whispers and I nearly just walked back to the hotel all by myself except for I was nervous about walking around Vegas all by myself at 9:00 pm.
Hmmmmmm….does that help?
HUGS!
Comment by Amy So 2010 February 26 @ 10:59 pmHeidi, oh goodness. I’m so, so, SO sorry you’re going through this. What an awful lot to have thrown on your plate all at once. I know you’ll land on your feet again – you always do – but of course you need to take the time to just wallow in buttercream first. Do it. Don’t feel guilty.
About your back – I’ve had awful back trouble (and foot/ankle/knee) trouble being a pretty intense gymnastics athlete for twelve years. I have the degenerative spine condition too and I’m not going to push my solutions on you if you don’t want to hear it, but if you’re interested in a possible solution, please find a GOOD chiropractor. I’ve been seeing mine for about a decade – at times I’ve had to go as often as 3 times a week but for years now I go only once a month for maintenance adjustments to keep my spine in check and I feel great almost all the time. My chiro says my spine’s degeneration is not worrisome due to the maintenance appointments at this point either, and I trust his abilities completely. It may not be the solution for you but based on my experience I would definitely suggest at least trying it.
Feel better soon hun…. sending positive vibes and hugs across the miles to you.
Comment by Laura 2010 February 26 @ 11:45 pmSo sorry to read that you’re having such a rough time… Hope you feel better soon. We miss you and your awesome shoe collection at shoe per diem!
take care!
Comment by paudecanela 2010 February 28 @ 9:53 pmxoxo
Man, I wish I had something more comforting to say than that fucking sucks. Maybe this is your chance to open that home decor/ bakery business.
Comment by thecoconutdiaries 2010 February 28 @ 11:19 pmseriously why does all this crap always happen at once?! ughh! im sorry to hear abt all that. the spine thing is actually something im worried abt…will you be ok? how soon? back problems suck! ive had my fair share and mate, i won’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Comment by Dugi 2010 March 1 @ 4:23 amwell take care and look at the bigger picture (no matter how hard it may seem at the moment) xoxo
Oh Heidi!! I’m so sorry. I have been reading your blog for sometime now and want you to know that I am so grateful for you. I’ve had a hard time speaking up and expressing myself my whole life and the past couple years i’ve been working on a TON of personal things and am finally able to speak more than ever. It’s so freeing and i love reading what you have to say and want you to know that you have been an INSPIRATION to me. I love you girl. If you want a distraction, you can read my blog at http://www.discoveringmytruth.com.
Comment by Christa 2010 March 1 @ 5:28 amDios mio. That’s a lot to deal with, and I don’t even know the specifics!
Um. My life has been pins and needles, waiting to hear if I got into schools that I’ve applied to. Plus a bunch of relationship drama rama. Boo! I’m looking forward to having my life sorted out, too – although I’m not at a negative square, I do feel a bit like I’m at square one.
We can get through this! Best of lug to you. Hugs.
Comment by Tess 2010 March 1 @ 1:59 pmUgh – so much bad luck in such a short amount of time. You’re due for a break!
Email me for sympathy / tough love / encouragement if you like — xoxo
Comment by Laurel 2010 March 1 @ 2:29 pmI think you need a trip to San Diego! Your room is ready and waiting and you need the sun! Love you!!!
Comment by Dianne 2010 March 1 @ 4:09 pmOh, my gosh!
I know things will be OK. You still have things that won’t fall out from under your feet. If nothing else, it is a good time for new adventures.
The back problem is scary and frustrating, but a lot of people have some really helpful methods to keep the pain away. I’m going to try yoga as soon as my latest injury heals up. I’ve gotten some huge help from PT and chiropractors over the years. I go to Dr. Lane right now.
Please take care, Heidi! I know you’ll come out of it all OK.
Comment by Erin 2010 March 1 @ 7:05 pmmy friend! I am sorry! I know you were dedicated in your job. What idiots! I think it is great that you have gotten rid of the drama, friends like that are not worth the energy. Back problems suck! period! I am sending love and hugs from provo!
You are not alone and you are loved! You will pull through, you are one of the most strong, determined, smart, fabulous woman I know.
Comment by Lex 2010 March 1 @ 9:52 pmHere is a little news, hopefully a smile, to distract you: We actually fired our administrative assistant. I am now playing double duty officially because even when she was “working” I had to do her job over again. I am currently interviewing people and will officially be an supervisor/manager, which I never really thought I would be apart of The Management! I am nervous about that. I am in the middle of my semester thinking Why did I go back to school? But chris is half-way to graduation! (cue the Hallelujah chorus!) We had a water pipe burst in our apt through no fault of our own and our landlord almost made us pay for it. Water world is not fun in a basement apt. Its fixed after a long and wet experience, at least our apt doesn’t smell like wet dog anymore. Our car may need major work because it is making cracking noises, not a good sound coming from anywhere especially from a car, but I am to afraid to know the damage. The neighbors above us still have a healthy sex life. I on the other hand am exhausted and have resulted in ear plugs, pillow on top of head and then ambient noise. Other then that, life has been swell. Roses and rainbows all day long, with chorus’ of Kumbiya (?)! Love you girl! Keep your head up. And take one day at a time!