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Boobs and Bras. That’s right, boobs and bras.

There are several things that every girl should have.

• A flattering black dress
• A small tool kit
• A fantastic, no-fail recipe for dinner or cookies or something
• The skills (and equipment) to sew on a button or hem a pair of slacks
• A good face moisturizer
• A well-fitting bra.

People, it was not until recently that I realized the importance of that last one.  Sure, women have raved about the benefits of a great bra ever since that scary pointy cone-bra came in style, but it wasn’t until a few months ago that it occurred to me that I was wearing an ill-fitting bra.  The subject somehow came up at brunch with a girlfriend, Uzi, and she mentioned that she had been fitted a few months earlier and was shocked at the difference between the size she had worn for years and her current, correct size.  I nodded knowingly and sympathetically, wondering how on earth a woman as smart and talented as she could possibly have worn the wrong bra size for so many years.  I almost pitied her.  Then she said something that has changed the life of myself and “my girls”–she said Did you know you aren’t supposed to be able to hook your thumb between your rib cage and the band of your bra?  There should not be enough room to get your thumb in there without a serious struggle.

Wait…what?

Stop everything.  Hold the phone.  Put down the cheese.

Really?  Um…so, you’re saying that I’ve been wearing the completely wrong size for as long as I can remember?  Damn.

It wasn’t long before I was dragging Uzi down to Victoria’s Secret* to have a proper fitting.  I asked for their best salesgirl and stuck out my arms, ready for the tape measure.  And I was shocked at the results.  Now, I have been a 36B since I was in high school, I have a style of bra that I love so much I now own it in something like 9 different colors.  I don’t know why it never occurred to me that sometime in the last decade I might have changed bra sizes a bit.  I guess I assumed it was like shoes; once a 10 always a 10 (that would be my shoe size, not some twisted announcement about my opinion on my own bazoomas).

Ladies, I am not a 36B.  Not even close.  (At the risk of attracting a lot of pervy attention from any uninteresting parties, I’m about to announce my actual bra-size.  It’s for science.  Or the good of women everywhere.  Or something.)

I’m a 34D.

I am still shocked about this.  Many of my girlfriends who I have expressed my shock to have been surprisingly unsurprised.  If they knew I was bigger than a 36B why didn’t they mention it?  Hello, could have saved me several years of bad-bra-itis!  At any rate, after trying on several different bras in this strange, surprising size, I walked away with three new ones; black and white in my old, favorite style (which is my new favorite now that it fits me properly) and a hot pink one in a new style the salesgirl promised I’d love.  I have never been so aware/unaware of my chest.  My shirts fit me better, my button-ups no longer gape open at the chest, I no longer have the dreaded “side-boob” problem.  I actually look thinner!  I am continually surprised at my reflection.  Who knew so much could be changed with simply wearing the right bra size!  Simultaneously, I am no longer pulling or tugging on my bra during the day.  I no longer have to constantly adjust to feel comfortable.  My new, correctly-sized bra doesn’t move.  It stays put from the moment I put it on in the morning until I take it off to go to sleep.  Apparently, this is how bra’s are supposed to work.  Who knew?  Uzi knew, and she told me, and now I’m telling you.

So, the moral of this story is for each of you to go to a women’s lingerie store or department and get fitted for a bra.  Go today.  On your lunch break.  Or on your way home.  Or this weekend if today is a little crazy.  But GO!  Make sure you shop carefully and try on a bunch of different things to get the style(s) that are perfect for you.  Take a friend if you must to be an unbiased second opinion; Uzi will probably go directly to heaven for her honest-and-hilarious boob advice.  And for heaven’s sake, please get a bra with enough padding that you won’t be poking through when you wear a thin sweater.  Or when the air conditioning turns on.  Or when you walk down the street to get a cup of hot chocolate.  These things are part of daily life and you should be prepared so as not to parade around in public with your perky bits in front of you like headlights.  Showing nipple through clothing is tacky-bordering-obscene and best suited for a strip club, not school/work/grocery store/library/restaurant/anywhere where children, teenage boys, adult men, creepy old dude’s or the general public frequents.  Keep those things under wraps, for the love of Pete!

*I know there are some women who have major problems with purchasing every-day lingerie at Victoria’s Secret.  Here’s the thing…it is the only proper lingerie establishment in a 60-block radius of my home.  For reals.  Out of the three shopping malls that used to be downtown, only one is open for business and it doesn’t have a single big-box department store.  That disclaimer being said, I always shop at Victoria’s Secret anyway.  It’s just my thing.  Don’t judge.

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