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How to survive a Haunted House, Haunted Village, or anything else the Creepers decide to haunt

I love Halloween, I really do. But, my Halloween love is a little more elementary than anything else. I love the cutesy Halloween, not the bloody-zombie-goulish Halloween. I don’t like the undead, or scary movies, or monsters, or freakish masked goons…I don’t like any of that. I don’t like Haunted Houses (or Haunted Villages, or Haunted Places of Any Sort) and despite a (horrible, not-scary-at-all) tour of Salem, Massachusetts, I have not frequented a Haunted Anything for a solid decade.

That being said, last week I was invited to go to the Haunted Village in Salt Lake. I must have been under some kind of influence because I immediately accepted and even when I wasn’t feeling all that great, I showed up at the haunted location dressed appropriately for coldish weather and creepy gouls and hoped for the best.

Within 3 minutes I was regretting my choice.  The Haunted Village People broke our group up and I was split up from the two people I knew and left with two complete strangers–who, for the record, ended up being really great about the whole Haunted Village thing.

In a normal Haunted House there are all sorts of creepers jumping from behind doors and lots of fake blood smeared on walls, right?  Well, in a Haunted Village there are acres of orchards, and scrub oak, and lots of little houses full of scary sets and lots of caped people sneaking around all of that mess, following you too closely for a quarter mile.  There are trenches of dead soldiers, and battles, and headless horsemen…it’s a Big Scary Deal.

I was terrified.

But I had a plan.  Ok, it may have been less of a “Plan” and more Survival Technique.  I needed to deflect the creepers.  This is serious business.  In order for me to make it through the Haunted 100 Acre Wood I needed to make the gouls and goblins think that I was not scared of them whatsoever.

People, this is much easier said than done.  You need to confront each of the 387 Scary People who come your way, you need to talk to them, you need to make them think that you are bored so they will move on.  Yes, I sacrificed strangers to the Creepers in order to maintain any sense of stability.  I should be on a reality TV show, I’d totally win.

So, I complimented the dead Civil War Soldier on his dimples, the creepy Cape Guy on his flattering black, told the Leprosy Face Guy that I had some facewash that would help his skin, and the Sasquatch Under-the-Bridge Creeper that conditioner would help his dred locks immensley.   Inevitably, the Soldier, the Cape Guy, Leprosy Face and Sasquatch left me alone and started stalking the poor girl on my left and the guy whose hand I was crushing on my right.

I would love to announce that due to my savvy skillz I wandered through the Haunted Village without being scared once…but, well, that would be a lie.  I may not have scruples or morals when it comes to pawning off the Creepers to unsuspecting companions, I don’t like to lie on the Internet.  So, in a sense of full discloser, I was terrified.  The Living Dead people scared me to death, the Zombie Mummies were horrifying, and Grim Reaper nearly made me pee my pants and the Sasquatch Under-the-Bridge guy was perhaps the most scary moment of recent memory.

Dear Strangers Who Held My Hands and Took The Brunt Of The Creepy Psycho Zombie-Guys:

A million thank you’s!  I’m sorry I threw you under the bus, or the headless horseman, I was scared!  People do crazy things under the influence of fear!  Like hold hands with total strangers or talk to Sasquatch!  And Sweeny Todd!  AND Civil War Era Bar-Wench Zombies!  (Yes, the Haunted Village has all three plus about a hundred other types of Creepers.)  Can we still be friends?

Love, heidikins

To Everyone Else Who Is Nervous About Visiting Haunted Places of The World:

Take my advice, talk to the Creepers and convince them that you are not scared.  Feel no guilt while they prey on other members of your scaredy-cat party, this is survival of those most able to distract those higher up on the food chain.  Own it.

Love, heidikins

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