Let’s talk about dating for a minute, shall we? Specifically, let’s talk about dating-to-get-engaged-and-then-subsequently-married. Now, before you get all excited, let me be perfectly clear. Yes, I have recently tried the dating-to-get-engaged-and-then-subsequently-married thing. If you recall, it didn’t work out that way. I have also done the dating-just-to-be-dating thing with various levels of success. However, currently I am single. For the most part, I like dating. I like getting to know people, I like going and doing things with people, I like the butterflies that can come from someone new and I like moving on if/when it is over. No harm, no foul.
Now, in my neck of the woods, ridiculously short courtships and engagements are par for the course. I have known people to meet, start dating, and then get engaged in a few weeks and have a lovely wedding three months later. Actually, this happens all the time. (Out of staters, I know, this is crazy to you, but it’s “normal” and sometimes even “expected” here. Don’t blow a gasket, yet.) Many of these couples (several of my siblings included) are still happily married years later and starting families. I couldn’t be more happy for them.
Immediately after I became single again (and after an appropriate mourning period) I went on a bit of a dating rampage. A couple of weeks of multi-dates not only cured me of the habit but got me over the idea of kissing someone just to kiss them. Confession: I have kissed boys simply to kiss them without any real feelings involved. It happens. Don’t judge. Somewhere around the beginning of August one-such, um, episode, took place. I met “Office Ink” about five years ago–at work, shockingly–and we dated a bit then, then a bit more a few months later, then a bit more a year or two after that, and then a bit more over the summer–somewhere between “I’m single…now what?” and “This is lame.” Ink has some very nice qualities (which I will not discuss here because it makes me a bit nauseous to think about right now) and I suppose in the back of my mind he would always be there for good times.
Office Ink is engaged. Facebook announced his relationship approximately 5 weeks ago with a mass of cutesy couple pictures (she is actually quite beautiful, I’ll give him that) and fun day trips. Yesterday, Facebook announced his engagement. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!
Now, lest you think I am jealous or something–it’s not really that. I know things could never have really worked out between Mr. Ink and I, he was fun to hang out with and we had a good time together, but it would never have gone farther than that. I am actually happy for him. Mostly. (There is the whole coming-to-terms with the fact that I just wasn’t good enough for him what he was looking for. And yes, this is probably compounded with the as-yet-unexpressed feelings of I just wasn’t what Handsome was looking for either. My clinical-shrink-trained brain is telling me that there is a wonderful guy out there who is looking for someone like me, and it’s better to wait for Mr. Right than to get wrapped up with Mr. Not Quite Right But You’ll Do In A Pinch/Moment Of Desperation And Weakness Where I Have Convinced Myself That Unless I Settle For You I’ll End Up Alone With 37 Cats And A Whole Lot Of Crazy. Really? When I think about it, I don’t want to be with that guy. Firstly, can you imagine fitting that last name on wedding invitations? No thank you.)
Back to Office Ink. He’s engaged. He’s getting married in six weeks. Six! He started dating this girl at the beginning of August either a) right after he and I had our last fling-thing, or b) before he and I had our last fling-thing…at this point I’m not sure which is better, both are kind of gross to me, actually. At any rate, by the end of August he was “officially” dating Miss Blue Eyes (because you know it isn’t official until Facebook or Google confirm it), engaged in September, wedding date set for the beginning of November.
Four months. I’ve had blocks of parmesan for longer than that!
I am trying to be excited for him, but I can’t help but feel this impending cloud of doom. Not necessarily for them, in the words of OPH, “I’m sure they’ll have a long and happy marriage”. I just have this heart-sinking, stomach-wrenching fear that I’m doing it wrong. Not the “being excited for an x-whatever who is getting married to someone he’s known for four months”, that doesn’t really matter in the long run and they are both adults (bona-fide adults, in their 30′s), they probably know what they are getting themselves in to. I just have this nagging little voice in the back of my brain telling me that I’m doing it wrong.
“heidikins, most of your girlfriends from high school are married and on their second or third kid.”
“heidi-ho…the ones who don’t fit the description above are done with masters degrees and/or working on Ph.D.’s”
“heidster, everyone else is doing it, what’s wrong with you?”
“oh heidi-girl, what is it about you that makes men think you just aren’t good enough?”
…you can see where this ends up, right? Yours truly will be ordering a male underwear model from Norway, convince him he will be the next Daniel Craig if he simply stars in my “reality TV” show (aptly named “heidikins and the Norwegian”), then dragging the poor scallywag down the aisle and forcing him to marry me. For real, no fakesies. Then I’ll fit in, right? I’ll have it all! I can announce my nuptials on Facebook and everyone will see how hunky and Viking-like Mr. Norway looks in our overly-posed, overly-styled photos. We could honeymoon in the Greek Isles and I’m sure no one will notice the little “stock photo” watermarks on our souvenir snapshots. In a year or so I could probably rent a kid or two to bulk up the “family” album and no one would be the wiser! It’s brilliant!
Ahem.
Or, I could just write incredulous real-time twitter updates and a subsequent blog post to cleanse these WTF feelings, go shopping for new outfits to become more appealing to men, go for a run, bake and consume another batch of cookies, ignore the masses and look forward to going out on a regular date, no strings attached. Just because [insert copious numbers of "couples" here], or Office Ink and Miss Blue Eyes go and jump off the marriage cliff doesn’t mean I need to follow them. I’m quite content where I am, thank you. The view from the cliff-top is lovely.
27 Comments so far
Leave a comment
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <pre> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
First of all, I thought this was an excellently-written blog post!!
Comment by Allie 2009 September 23 @ 6:53 amSecondly, I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. And yes, I have very little experience and I’m younger than 23, just, so I’m probably not qualified to express an opinion, but opinions I have nonetheless. A few of my friends (who are married) seem to think that the rest of us should just settle for whoever happens to like us, even if we’re not all that interested in them – and maybe I’m being overly romantic or maybe I have high expectations, but something in me is utterly repelled by the idea of just taking what you can get, as soon as possible. It also makes me worried about the state of their marriages if that’s their serious advice.
well written. I especially liked the line about the blocks of parmesean.
I am SO glad to be done with the dating/interviewing potential mates thing. Now if we could only sneak in a bit more dating to keep the romance alive and have a break from the kids thing, that’d be even better.
Wish I had some great advice. Guess I’d say listen to your clinical shrink-trained brain instead of the naggers. Nobody likes a nag. I’m sure you will find the right way for you.
Comment by Heather W 2009 September 23 @ 6:59 amMight I remind you that many people think your state has it all wrong when it comes to dating and marriage. And that there are many a single and attached adults who think you’re doing it all right. Instead of thinking you’re doing it wrong, why not remind yourself that you’re ahead of your time (for your state) and, in fact, you’re doing it all right.
Comment by SoMi's Nilsa 2009 September 23 @ 7:18 amYou are doing it right. The last thing you need is to settle. Enjoy the ride and all the free meals and fun you can get. When you need a break our house is always open in vegas for you.
Comment by Marnie 2009 September 23 @ 7:22 amHi
Not bitter & twisted here, no honest! LoL I am going to be that cat lady with 37cats (got 4 already) & considered slightly cuckoo (some might say that already too) and I don’t give a flying f**k about fitting in! Tried it in my 20’s & really didn’t stick I’m much happier doing it my way being true to myself, now everyone has to fit in with me if they want, I’m not really bothered and the annoying thing is just as I start to sort things out, to be comfortable again – there will be a signal somewhere in the sky a bit like batman’s but only guys can see it (not always single guys either) and suddenly the hunt will be on! And I don’t know whether or not I’m going to play chase this time because I’m fed up with men! (Of course close family & friends are excluded, most of the time!)
Anyway – I’m not bigging myself up, I’m not much to look at, I’m short & fat, a bit worn around the edges LOL (not looking for compliments just stating the facts) but I am the best thing that will happen to some guys out there, as I’m loyal, kind hearted, got a good sense of humour, quite intelligent, & will go to hell & back for someone I love, and win! I can do anything I put my mind to so I don’t need a man, so he will always know that I’m with him for him not what he can give me!
And this kind of self confidence I don’t need you attitude for some reason makes guys attracted to me – whereas the I want to get engaged, married & have kids makes them run a mile!
I’ve watched my friend’s get married have kids & divorce & get married again & have more kids. So being further down the line I can say things will always change sometimes for the better sometimes not & just because everyone else is doing it is not a good reason to do it too! Be individual, rather than a sheep, stand out from the crowd & swim against the tide at least you will have lived.
Ok I now feel like a self help book! Hehe but honestly trust in fate it will all work out in the end.
You are doing nothing wrong, have you considered they might be doing it wrong? And that the guys arn’t good enough for you? just a thought!
The quickest way to attract a guy is not want him, it’s like some kind of challenge!
Hope your feeling more confident soon! Seeya Hugya *G*
Comment by grungedandy 2009 September 23 @ 7:30 amWe got engaged after four weeks and got married five months later, but it was NOT the norm in our neck of the woods.
We just knew and are coming up on ten years, so there’s that.
But the fact that it’s the norm where you are seems like people might do it because it’s expected of them.
Which, of course, means that it is not a reflection on you whatsoever.
I remember watching all of my friends get engaged and thinking I’d end up with 37 cats. Instead, I have a hot husband and three little kidlets.
Your Prince will come. I know it.
Comment by Angella 2009 September 23 @ 8:06 amHoney! You are fine. So let Office Ink marry his two week love and move on. Don’t let this freak you out. You are definetly doing things right. You “have been the happiest you have ever been”. And by the way, you are amazing. And another thing, the state and culture we currently live in is, well, in my mind, nuts. SO don’t fall into the trap of guilt and self doubt. You are to good for that! I too have kissed boys to just kiss, there is nothing wrong with it, don’t tell my hubby but it was fun!
Comment by Lex 2009 September 23 @ 8:43 amI feel I need to state that I kissed the boys for fun when I was single, not after saying I do.
Comment by Lex 2009 September 23 @ 8:43 amI think everyone feels this way when an ex gets married before they do. And the community you live in certainly intensifies those feelings. And the thing is that NOBODY is doing it wrong. It’s easy for me to judge from the outside that all those people who are getting married within months of meeting each other are doing it wrong–but when I think back, I knew pretty much right away that I’d marry Torsten. We didn’t get married right away–but if we had, it still would have worked out, you know? So I’m not going to say people who do things differently are doing it wrong. But also YOU are not doing it wrong. Your life is awesome and there WILL be someone worth committing to, at some point.
Comment by Jess 2009 September 23 @ 8:50 amKissing boys for no good reason is one of life’s greatest pleasures! I would never judge you for that
Comment by Margarita 2009 September 23 @ 8:58 amThanks for posting this. I’m in your position (sort of) and it feels good to hear someone else feel the way I do.
Comment by kassie 2009 September 23 @ 9:22 amI have had to remind myself on multiple occasions and for multiple reasons that the event timeline for my life is not the same anyone else’s. This is sometimes really difficult to be comfortable with when you see your friends getting happily married and having kids and you are stuck in “relationship limbo.” I also had to remind myself that I didn’t want to marry just anyone–I wanted to marry the best possible person out there for me. I then had to give the “big guy upstairs” some time to make things happen for me in that regard. In the end, it happened and at the best possible time.
So let me reiterate what everyone else has said. You are doing nothing wrong, and you really don’t want to settle. Try to enjoy this really great time in your life and have faith that something wonderful is planned for your future.
Comment by Lady Susan 2009 September 23 @ 9:51 amahem, i hate to mention this, but i’m IN norway and the moment and although if you ask me, most norwegian boys look like they’ve just wandered off a mountain (not all bad except for the sensible hiking boots), i’d be happy to scour around and pick one up for you. tho’, as vikings go, i do recommend a nice danish one. which, as it happens, i’m also in a position to arrange.
i married the starter husband because of that long last name thingie you’re rejecting, so i say, relax, enjoy your life and don’t compare yourself. especially not to people on facebook. you’re completely fabulous the way you are.
xox,
Comment by julochka 2009 September 23 @ 10:05 am/j
Am I the only guy that comments on your posts? I suddenly feel out of place…
I just wrote like a thousand (not kidding) words over the last 15 minutes going into detail about relationships and dating, then I decided that I was being:
1. Preachy.
2. Sappy.
3. Not appropriate for a blog comment, given the extreme length.
4. Too personal.
…So I deleted it and wrote the above instead.
You have a way of bringing that out in me. Your topics are just too juicy for me to ignore, and all kinds of brain neurons start firing when I read them. Sorry.
Comment by sov 2009 September 23 @ 11:13 amDude, you are doing just fine. People are crazy. You are awesome in every way, and GORGEOUS, to boot. It’ll all work out!
Comment by abbersnail 2009 September 23 @ 11:39 amThe shortest little fairy tale: Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy “Will you marry me?” The guy said “no” and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny and did whatever she wanted. The end.
Comment by Kym 2009 September 23 @ 12:36 pmok the term Mr Ink made me think of tattoo face. The tattooed faced ones are always taken.
Comment by Sarakastic 2009 September 23 @ 3:00 pmOh honey, you’re not doing it wrong, THEY’RE doing it wrong. WTF is right.
Comment by nancypearlwannabe 2009 September 23 @ 6:01 pmYou have so much going for you! You will find a guy who appreciates your intellect, your ability to run in five inch heels, your ability to speak so genuinely, so hillariously, and the fact that you are your true authentic self! I love your stinkin guts!
Comment by Jessica 2009 September 23 @ 6:29 pmDoes your locale have a plethora of very fertile women or something? I can only imagine the phenomenon of the hasty nuptials is actually just a cover up of mass shotgun weddings. You tell me … plausible?
Comment by Em 2009 September 23 @ 8:52 pmDear Heidi,
Strangely enough, all of MY high school friends are getting married, and some even have kids already. So, in a way, I can TOTALLY relate to you. Not only that, but being at BYU means that I get to witness first hand another bazillion people fall off the marriage cliff every day.
I am one of those people who thinks that there needs to be A LONG courtship,and you need to REALLY know.
Not that I am older, experienced, or very knowledgeable in this area, but I think you are just fine. You will find a guy who deserves someone as amazing as you are, and I am not just saying that to be nice. As my grandmother says, “you will have to kiss a lot of princes before you find your frog”
He’ll come along.
Love,
Comment by Briana Shipley 2009 September 23 @ 9:26 pmBriana
It’s funny you should mention that little voice in the back of your head. I look around at all my friends who are not only married, not only having babies, but are actually DONE having babies. And I sit here wondering where the hell I took the wrong turn. =P
Comment by Dawn 2009 September 24 @ 8:32 am“Four months. I’ve had blocks of parmesan for longer than that!” Love it!
I too have had to remind myself that getting married is not the answer to making my problems and insecurities go away. Yes, I think marriage is good and better than being single, but I also try to remember that there’s always a little of that “grass is greener” syndrome when things get tough. I figure that in 10 years when I am married with a load of kids (hopefully) I’ll look back on these as the glory years, so I might as well live it up and create great memories now. I also focus on the blessings of being single: no potty training, sleeping in on Saturday mornings, taking off on weekend trips whenever I want, going on a shoe splurge with only minor feelings of guilt, etc., etc.
Comment by Melanie 2009 September 24 @ 10:52 amI know I’m a day late and you’re wanting to move on from this sentiment, but I just want to say that I think anyone who’s ever been dumped or single over the age of 25 has probably felt this way. I certainly have at MANY points in the last 2 years since my fiance and I split up. But I always get over it, and you will too. It’s not about what “the norm” is, or how fast you are able to run that little path that society lays out for us that we’re supposed to follow. Everyone’s path is different. Just walk along it at your own pace and take time to notice the scenery… don’t try to anticipate how quickly you should be reaching the landmarks along the way. Nobody really knows where they’re at until they stumble upon them, anyway.
Comment by sparklytosingle 2009 September 24 @ 1:14 pmSometimes people are attracted to the type of guy who is all wrong for them. A lot of women, I daresay, are attracted to guys who are actually destructive for them. I’m sure we don’t need to talk more about that. But I guess my best advice is to be open to people that you normally wouldn’t consider, and second guess the ones you would normally jump on (literally). I think perhaps that’s the best way to figure out if there’s some kind of destructive whirlwind of attraction you’re caught in.
But that’s not really the gist here, is it? You are talking about all those married or Ph.D. types. I say forget comparing yourself to others. If I do say so myself, miss heidikins, you are a very impressive girl, and you don’t have to try to compare yourself to others or sell yourself in anyway. Res ipsa loquitur – the thing speaks for itself.
Comment by Sra 2009 September 25 @ 1:50 am[...] that people date before getting married seems to be a hot topic this week. I read a post over at Heidikins that talked about it and then read a post on Yahoo! Shine titled, “Is One Month Into Dating [...]
Pingback by How long did you date before getting engaged? | Committed: The Ties that Bond | Work It, Mom! 2009 September 25 @ 8:45 amMy own reasoning on this is: it’ll happen when it happens. And? While you’re waiting for it to happen? It can really, really, really suck. But then you’ll get to that place, and realize it was all for a reason. But… Only once you get there. And the waiting? Yup, it sucks.
Which is not the most useful of advice, I know.
But I was where you are, awhile ago. Not with the quickie marriage thing – only one of my friends went that route, and is now divorced… – but with the friends in serious/long-term relationships, and me not so much, and the “what am I doing wrong?!?!”
Turns out, I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Just took me being in the right place at the right time, and with the right guy. And then, it all worked out.
But up til that point? Yup, there were a bunch of frogs.
Comment by Z 2009 September 28 @ 6:54 am