Filed under: Love 101
Is there such a thing as true love? Or is that for the fairy tales–stories of armored knights and beautiful maidens with impractical outfits?
Is there such a thing as love at first sight? Does that exist anymore? Does that lust love at first sight last longer than the tabloid papers deem it “newsworthy”?
What about soul mates? Is there really such a thing as someone who compliments you to completion? Or is that for Hollywood and bad romance fiction writers.
Where does real love actually exist? Or doesn’t it?
Admittedly, I am biased and jaded when it comes to love. I don’t believe in a “one true love”. I think love at first sight is just hormones–or indigestion–and it shouldn’t surprise a single one of you that my only sole mate has a 4″ stiletto heel.
I don’t think that two people can fall hopelessly, romantically, deeply and irrationally in love. Mmm, perhaps that is a mis-statement. I don’t think I can fall hopelessly, romantically, deeply and irrationally in love. I’m not so big on falling. I am not saying that you are not completely forever in love with your spouse, or your significant other, or your child, or your pet, or whatever. I have a difficult time arguing about love because it is so deeply personal.
For me, love is a process; a messy, inconsistent, lengthy, scary, definitively undefinable process. Sometimes it is hard, an actual struggle. Sometimes I have to sit myself down and have a little internal argument about why I should or should not care about this person or that person. I wish I could say this is a rare occurrence, but really it’s more a personality clash and a responsibility thing that continues to lollygag about in my “should” folder. I don’t think I can explain it better than that. Sometimes love is easy-peasy; like with happy babies and puppies and fictional men. Most of the time, however, love is somewhere in-between. You have your easy-peasy days, and a couple of hard days all mixed up on an emotional ferris wheel–slow and steady–or one of those cork-screw roller coasters that is fantastically exciting but sometimes leaves you with a bit of throw-up in your mouth.
What am I getting at…I don’t know. I’m just trying to understand. True Love…what does that even mean? To me, there is only one kind of love that is worth it’s weight in Belgian chocolate–the good kind, not that Nabisco knock-off crap–unconditional love seems so omniscient and far-reaching, it’s the nirvana of love ascension. Unconditional love is Gandhi and Mother Teresa and Jesus Christ and Barney (cue lightening for lumping the annoying purple dinosaur in with Mother Teresa, et al), unconditional love is something that seems so completely effortless.
Here’s the kicker: I think unconditional love is kind of a bitch. It’s inconvenient and painful and requires an inordinate amount of patience and compromise and “not sweating the small stuff” and all those good qualities that are so impossible to master without complaint or full blown mutiny. It is not effortless. It doesn’t necessarily come naturally, either. Unconditional love is a choice, a daily choice. It is not a fairy tale, or a Hollywood movie, or a cheesy novel–it is an infinite commitment. It is knowing that the person you are choosing to love will make mistakes, they will say and do things that cause pain–sometimes to colossal extent–and sometimes it will be on purpose, and even when all that happens again and again, you still choose to love them.
Choosing to love someone regardless of circumstance or other uncontrollable factors has got to be the scariest decision I’ve ever made. What if they don’t love you back? Or, gulp, what if they do? Then what? Is your relationship suddenly all sparkles and unicorns and puffy pink hearts? Or is it still a choice you both have to make every single day?
Which is harder; loving someone unconditionally, or loving them forever? Which is more important?
And when will Jodi Picoult or Nora Roberts write a bad novel on the subject that will be made into an even worse movie so we can finally understand how this is supposed to work.
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i think there are different types of love. i love my husband differently today than i did when i met him
Comment by la petite belle 2009 June 30 @ 5:49 amHow apt just when my baby bro & his wife implode they were just shy of 7 years, this will be they’re second divorces each! But I understand what external pressures finally pushed them apart debt, different expectations, not being able to have kids (her baby bro killing him self last year, which I think was the final nail in the coffin) in the same amount of time I haven’t even got married once! I ‘m engaged have been for over 11 years, but I often worry that we are going to walk our separate ways but then it seems to workout. I never believed in love at 1st sight I do believe in attraction & fate to some extent. Me & R passed paths many times in our lives but the timing was wrong & we never actually met until the timing was right we even lived 8 doors & a street away from each other, I walked past his house everyday for over a year before we met, I even used to say hello to his cat!
Comment by grungedandy 2009 June 30 @ 6:59 amBut in the 12 or so years we’ve been together there have been ups & many downs it’s not always been easy, from external interference to misunderstandings all the way down to different ways of doing things that grate on each others nerves but so far it’s been worth it & fingers crossed it will remain so but you never know life has a way of throwing you a curve ball. And that is it, you see when you promise forever you don’t always think of everything I’m not sure it would last against continued infidelity or rape or even murder but these are things that you never expect to happen & to a certain extent if it dose, all bets are off!
So I don’t think unconditional love really exists or if it dose it’s very rare, I’m not sure I could forgive everything a person could do & continue to love them even if they were really sorry & they meant it (I’ve been burned too many times in my life!)
What I will say is fairy tails lied to us there is no such thing as “happy ever after” you have to work at it, it’s a “work in progress” Love is an ever changing thing it evolves over time & you have put the time in & work at it!
Anyhoo boy have a gone on! LoL I hope what ever is bugging you resolves it’s self soon & you’re back to equilibrium! Seeya Hugya *G*
I am not the type to fall in love immediately, most of the time. In fact, I am working on a post for tomorrow about this topic. I do believe that you can love someone forever but I think it takes much more than love to make it work–respect, commitment, commonalities.
Comment by Jess 2009 June 30 @ 7:00 am“I think unconditional love is kind of a bitch. It’s inconvenient and painful and requires an inordinate amount of patience and compromise and “not sweating the small stuff” and all those good qualities that are so impossible to master without complaint or full blown mutiny. It is not effortless. It doesn’t necessarily come naturally, either. Unconditional love is a choice, a daily choice.”
I agree! And I like Jess’s comment too.
This is a great post, Heidi!!
By the way, have you read the novel: Love the One You’re With by Emily Giffin? I really enjoy this book. It’s related to what you talked about in this post.
Comment by Holly 2009 June 30 @ 8:41 amI don’t think you ever really know entirely what love is. I never really knew what it was to love another person but there are so many people that have taught me. My husband and I share moments when I just catch myself thinking – damn, I love this man. It isn’t every day or even every week, but when it happens, it just slams me in the chest with raw emotion.
When my little brother was born, I was almost 20 years old. I looked at that little face and fell for him. I never fell for my husband, we grew into love. But my little brother created an emotion that made me think I could never love a child like I love him.
Then came my neice. My first neice. My sister’s child. I held her in my arms and just felt an entirely different love that did not take from the love I had for my little brother. Now I look at her pumping her little girl legs on her bike for the first time without training wheels and I love her like no one else.
I wrote before about my first love in high school. It was a totally and completely different love than the one that I have for my husband. A less real love? Heck no. But a world apart from the daily emotion that I feel with my husband.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that every love is a little different. It is like comparing the love you have for a parent to the love you have for a friend. They are both real but not at all the same thing. Every love changes over time as well. It has too or I would never be able to call my sister my best friend. Our childhood sisterhood is a very different story than our adulthood sisterly relationship.
Comment by Stephanie 2009 June 30 @ 9:01 amthere’s a quote from Gilmore Girls that says “I want to be in love and not just the soul killing kind” Sorry that’s all I have to contribute. Also, I bought my first pair of 3″ heels yesterday, they are red and amazing and I’m going to sprain an ankle.
Comment by Sarakastic 2009 June 30 @ 9:20 amAbout halfway through this post I started yelling in my head “Love is a CHOICE! Why can’t people see that!” And then you struck that nail right on the head. In my experience, love is not something that just happens. Attraction and compatibility happens, and then the CHOICE must be made. It is not a choice that I have to rethink everyday–it is a decision I made once and won’t ever make again (barring any unforseen horrific circumstances). I’ve found when I’ve truly made this choice–honestly, and with my whole soul, life is more simple, and happiness is that much easier to touch. Forgiveness for little everyday things is no longer a battle, it just comes in the natural territory of your decision. It’s very freeing.
Comment by Megs 2009 June 30 @ 9:22 amThis is a great post. Luvyou.
PS- I like how instead of pictures, your friends are little monsters.
Comment by pinksuedeshoe 2009 June 30 @ 9:41 amPeople always ask me how I knew my fiance was “the one”. I say that I knew I could spend my life with him because he didn’t do anything that irked the shit out of me, unlike my past boyfriends.
Comment by Lacey Bean 2009 June 30 @ 10:11 amWicked post.
I had someone once say the following to me, and it has stuck with me ever since:
Love is not just a feeling; it’s a commitment.
And because my husband and I are committed to loving each other, we work hard at it…and on keeping it fun.
Comment by Angella 2009 June 30 @ 10:18 amLove is very complicated, and that’s why generalizations are not adequate. You’re right, it is very personal. I don’t believe in the one true love, and I don’t know that I even believe in true love itself, whatever that means. There are plenty of people in the world who could be a complement to you — not the piece that makes you whole, but a piece that goes well with you and brings out as much of your true self as possible. Of course, concessions and compromises have to be made, but ideally they are small and doable. I actually do not believe in unconditional love. I believe people can support and love others for their essence, and forgive little things in exchange for supporting the big picture, but I think there are always limits that are deal breakers. Even in families, there are times when you just have to write someone off because their behavior is toxic. Romantic relationships can be like that too (as you know, of course). You don’t have to bend and bend and bend to make something work. There is a time when enough is enough. There still can be love involved there, but it’s not a healthy love. I think the best partners are the ones who make you feel like you are still an individual but also part of a team. You will still be true to yourself in these relationships. And likewise, you will allow your partner to be true to himself. That is about as ideal as it can get. The infatuation period, which is the subject of all romantic comedies, is a puppet show. Mature love can follow that, but it often doesn’t, because often the infatuation love isn’t based on true compatibility, but hormones. Love is work, in a way, but it doesn’t have to be so much work, and if it is, it’s probably not the best relationship.
Comment by Sra 2009 June 30 @ 11:05 amI agree with Holly the Emily Giffin novel does put it into good perspective.
Comment by Inna 2009 June 30 @ 8:04 pmBut I think there are always people you are more compatible with than others, people that make you happier than others. I think that’s how I define love.
Oh, Heidi, you post so many questions here (and got some great replies). I feel like I am very much in love with my husband, but I don’t really believe in all the fairy tale soulmate crap. Sorry. There’s too much real life going on for that! But it doesn’t mean love isn’t great and real and powerful even if it’s not magical, ya know? I think the fundamental question is – do you love yourself? Can you love someone else without loving yourself? Can you allow someone to love you without loving yourself? Sometimes I think that is the barrier, and I say this because I know the times I have the most difficulty in my own marriage is when I am feeling the worst about myself.
Love ya darling!
Comment by janet 2009 June 30 @ 9:22 pmI think you pretty much defined love perfectly, for me anyway. As you know my hubby and I dated for quite some time, before we got hitched, but I am so glad we did. When we did get married, there were no “sparkles and unicorns and puffy pink hearts” well there were but they were ours, not the stuff on movies. We really knew each other, and we still chose to be with & love each other after that. I think i am more like you, i am not sure how people can get married after dating for a short period of time, but they probably feel the same about me and my dating for such a long time. I think it is different for everyone and you just have to feel right about things. it sounds like i am trying to talk you into marriage or something, that isn’t what i mean, i am just agreeing with you that love is hard, scary but totally worth it!
Comment by lacey 2009 July 1 @ 9:45 amAnd might I suggest the wrench in the “no true love” scenario? The Carlsons.
But I think true love only really comes about after 25, 50, and 70 year anniversaries. That’s how you know it’s true… that’s how you know it’s real. And I don’t think anyone can have prefect love unless both are perfect – and we know that this life probably doesn’t hold that – but it cane come VERY close. That’s my opinion 
Comment by Andrea 2009 July 1 @ 3:10 pmUnconditional love can be an easy choice if I choose for it to be. “UN-CONDITIONAL” No conditions I just love. It does not have to be returned, it does not even have to be accepted, and it makes no difference who the other person is. I can love a person as a person, and not condone their actions. I can love a person and not want to be in the same room with them. I can love everyone them where they are, physically, mentally, and emotionally. It is when I put expectations or “conditions” on my love that things get complicated. To say I love my child unconditionally would be a lie, for the condition exists that they are my child. Would I love this same person the same way if they were not my child?
Unconditional love really is simple… if I chooose for it to be… Oh, and we are all soulmates, but to accept that requires believing that unconditional love is possible from all beings.
Comment by Mortis 2009 July 2 @ 12:43 pmWhen I met my husband, it was a quick engagement. He had the majority of the qualities I was looking for in a husband. Those qualities were much different than qualities I’d always wanted in boyfriends. The main quality was that he wanted to be married for a long time, be loyal to one wife, wanted to be religious, and have children. Now, my husband is a piece of work, but the important bases are covered, for me. I guess when it comes right down to it, a lot of people don’t know they aren’t ready yet. Or the person they meet fits them, when others don’t. It’s alchemy and luck. In hindsight, I was loyal to a fault in my previous life, i.e., when I realized my previous relationships weren’t going anywhere, I still hung in, thinking things could change, and I was enjoying myself. They never did. Another notion about love is that there is no cookie-cutter for how it happens. It’s different for everyone, and has a lot to do with choices, in my opinion. Being married is a very humbling experience. Blah, there I got all those little tidbits out!
Comment by Jen 2009 July 2 @ 1:29 pmlove is indeed a process. not always easy, but definitely worth the time and effort. i have my faults and my boyfriend has his, but at the end of the day, he’s the first one i turn to for everything–good news, bad news. he knows how to make me laugh when i’d rather just mope and sulk. i say random off-the-wall things just to get a “my girlfriend’s taking crazy pills again” reaction out of him.
we get on each others nerves, sure and things haven’t always been perfect, but after 6 years i think we’re still learning things about each other. love is quite the little head-scratcher sometimes, isn’t it?
Comment by miss chevious 2009 July 14 @ 8:11 amAnswer (to last question): There’s no difference. Loving someone unconditionally IS loving them forever. There is no way to terminate “unconditional” love, because it is dependent on nothing, not even time.
Comment by Evan 2009 July 27 @ 10:48 pmI like the quote from Neo at the end of the Matrix trilogy (although it is on a different topic, I think it’s the same idea) when Smith asks him why he continues to fight.
His answer: “Because I choose to.”