In this economy we all make sacrifices and adjustments to stay financially solvent, right? Instead of buying shoes I have started picking up furniture from the side of the road to sand down and paint. I have worked on my mad cooking skillz instead of eating out for lunch and dinner. There are some areas, however, where I will not scrimp; toilet paper, body soap and underwear. I really should have taken my own advice, when it comes to faces and arses, shell out real money.
Have you discovered what you should never ever ever try at home? Yeah, self-Brazilian. Bad idea. Monumentally bad idea. Quite possibly the most terrible idea ever conceived, it is right up there with stirrup pants, transparent eye-patches and glow-in-the-dark combat uniforms. Do It Yourself Brazilian…what on EARTH was I thinking? Saving money? Yeah, that so doesn’t work for me as a logical, thought-out excuse for this type of self-inflicted pain and terror.
And do you want to know the worst part? I took pictures thinking “the Internet will LOVE this!” (No, not THAT kind of pictures, dirty people.) I was all photographic and documentary-like right up until I locked myself in the bathroom to inflict unearthly suffering on myself.
I haven’t had a proper Brazilian wax in months. I decided that instead of giving up $50-$60 of my hard earned money, I could easily pony up $15 for a do-it-at-home kit and get three, maybe four waxes. Economical, right? Ahem. I think you can easily deduct the answer to this question.
Admittedly, it took me a week or so from the time my torture-at-home kit arrived to when I actually got around to performing previously mentioned torture self-wax.
I followed the instructions carefully; using the special wax sauce, I cleaned and prepped in the right areas allowing for ample drying time, just like the box said. Easy peasy, right?
I carefully heated up the wax, stirring until it was “thick and of a caramel-like consistency” just like the instructions said.
I kept the popsicle-stick thing at a 45′ angel and in a small “test” section carefully spread the wax in the right direction relative to hair growth. I let the wax cool off a bit to the consistency the box said was desirable.
…..
And this is where I ran into a really big problem. You see, my “test section” was perhaps a bit too out-of-the way. In order to pull the wax off “in one, quick motion” I, well…I didn’t have quite the right reach. Or leverage. Or guts. You see, my waxer always used the wax with strips, which gives a lot of stuff to grab on to when pulling out hairs from one’s nether-regions. Yeah, the hard wax stuff? Um…see, there’s nothing to grab on to. You have to actually pry off a bit of wax with your fingernails, which was my first inkling that, this probably wasn’t the best of ideas. Just like those annoying chain/forward emails that you’re not quite sure what to do with; delete and have 47 years of bad luck? Forward to everyone and have them hate you? Leave the wax on? Yank it off? I was in a terrible pickle.
Speaking of chain/forward emails, have you read the one about the woman who tries to give herself a Brazilian wax at home and ends up stuck to the bottom of the tub with scary plans to free herself from the tub with a hairdryer..tub, hair dryer, tub, hair dryer. Sadly, I have read that email, several times, and I did not learn the lessons it provided. Well, except that in the midst of my self-wax-induced meltdown I refused to get into a hot bath to melt the wax and scald my skin and end up threatening to electrocute myself with the hairdryer to de-stick myself from my aqua tub. Lesson: learned.
However, I was still in a hairy predicament (yes, that was intended) with regards to the state of my own partial wax. Wax on….now for the wax off. Can you imagine a giant wad of aqua bubble gum stuck to your scalp? Well, without getting into the nitty gritty details, it was a combination of yanking, crying ripping, crying, screaming, convulsing, more crying and finally using a pair of scissors to save my hooch from certain death and destruction.
Scissors, people. Scissors and uncertain baldness was the end result of a self-Brazilian attempt. It was a very sad (and teary) day at the casa de heidikins. If you have learned nothing today, class, please take this with you: attempting to take a solo trip to Brazil is a very, very, VERY bad idea; like leisure suits and Smell-O-Vision.
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i wish you’d written this yesterday when i was in a really bad mood, because they say laughter is good for clearing that out. i feel for you, but am frankly grateful to the do-it-yourself gods of brazilian bikini wax who possessed you to try this and that you wrote it for our entertainment.
seriously. dying laughing. so from a comedy perspective, totally worth it. plus, i learned something…and will not be trying this at home. funny and educational, what more can one ask?
hope you’re ok now!
Comment by julochka 2009 June 4 @ 3:55 amxox,
/j
thanks for the laughter to go w my morning coffee… i know you didnt set this up just for a great post (or DID you? heidikins the evil genius…) but it was a great laugh nonetheless!
Comment by Z 2009 June 4 @ 4:18 amthat was hilarious! May I suggest next time some honey based type waxes that dissolve with water (cold water) if you decide you’re not up to pulling? Why I know? Lets just say I had a similar experience.
Comment by Inna 2009 June 4 @ 5:01 amI don’t know why the link to my blog isn’t showing up when I comment so here it is http://tannainna.wordpress.com/
Comment by Inna 2009 June 4 @ 5:36 amI have that exact kit, and when used properly, I was pleased with the result. The time it didn’t go well was the time I forgot to put the oil on before I put the wax on. When I went to rip the wax…. oh my HELL! It didn’t come off. Just ripped some skin and what not. I was going out with a friend that night (to Target – I live an exciting life – I wax before I go to Target) and I had to explain to her that I had a waxing incident an hour before and that my underwear was waxed to my junk and not to mind the way I walked.
Comment by Britt 2009 June 4 @ 5:52 amHoly crap, that sounds awful. At least you didn’t electrocute yourself, though, right?
Comment by Janssen 2009 June 4 @ 6:02 amHilarious!
Comment by Kym 2009 June 4 @ 6:09 amYep that is defiantly a lesson learned one I can pass on is don’t try and dye her (yes I mean Bush) a different colour because your B.friend at the time prefers dark haired girls, because black hair dye can come out PURPLE & then your just into humiliation & strange questions in the gym ladies changing rooms! Purple punk pubs really not a good look especially when you have to go to the doctors! LoL Seeya Hugya *G*
Comment by grungedandy 2009 June 4 @ 6:24 amp.s hope your alright now!
You have sufficiently petrified me. Getting up the courage to do it in a salon was pretty gutsy for me. At home? I tremble at the thought.
Comment by Margarita 2009 June 4 @ 6:36 amJust wanted to leave another comment cause I’ve been having trouble getting the website link to show up. I hope this works now!
Oh, and yeah, I reiterate what I said above, honey wax…
Comment by Inna 2009 June 4 @ 7:06 amOh my goodness. That does not sound fun!
Comment by The Northerner 2009 June 4 @ 7:07 amOMG I could hardly read this. I was cringing the whole time. OMG OMG OMG. Poor you! OUCH!
Comment by Jess 2009 June 4 @ 7:17 amDuly noted. Yikes!
Yeah, there are some things in life where you actually waste money by going the cheap route, because the cheap route is worthless. Value is key.
Comment by Sra 2009 June 4 @ 9:14 amOh wow. All I can say is that at least you were able to make us all laugh over your horrifying experience.
Comment by Colleen 2009 June 4 @ 10:17 amOmigosh, I DIED reading this. Sorry for laughing at your pain
Comment by Larissa 2009 June 4 @ 10:18 amOh my gosh, i’m DYING! You poor thing, and poor cookie! You know you can’t go into a professional salon and get the rest taken care of, they will laugh at you! Looks like it’s swim skirts and board shorts for the next month until the grass grows in.
Comment by Uzi 2009 June 4 @ 10:27 amI… have no comments. … … …
Comment by Andrea 2009 June 4 @ 12:48 pmThanks for that…?
At least you seem to have a sense of humour about it now. I suspected that self-inflicted Brazilians could bring a whole lot of trouble… now I know.
Comment by Allie 2009 June 4 @ 2:33 pmthere’s NO way i would have attempted that!
i was squeamish just trying to do hair removal strips on my legs!
Comment by miss chevious 2009 June 4 @ 3:05 pmGirl, you know I love you…but WHAT were you thinking? You NEVER take a solo trip to Brazil!
Comment by Trish Ryan 2009 June 4 @ 4:06 pmoh ouch! this just makes me hurt reading this and i’ve never even had a brazilian before, oy!
Comment by katelin 2009 June 4 @ 4:37 pmInteresting you brought this up. I was thinking of purchasing some wax. While I had no intention of doing the Brazilian, I was thinking of doing some legs and lovely chin work (gotta love PCOS).
After reading this, I think I will shave my legs and spend the $10 for the chin!
Comment by Tauni 2009 June 4 @ 10:43 pmJulochka just directed me here to read this story. Thank you for brightening my day through your pubic hair pain.
I hope it’s healing nicely.
Comment by Fidgeting Gidget 2009 June 5 @ 8:00 amAfter reading this,I think I will just continue to be like Cynthia Nixon’s character from the “Sex In The City’ movie and people will just have to close their eyes!
Comment by Lissa 2009 June 5 @ 12:25 pmI am dying laughing. I’m sorry it is at your misfortune, but that is hilarious. I hope that you’ve recovered! And if I ever see a kit, I’ll back slowly away.
Comment by Becky 2009 June 5 @ 1:16 pmoh heidi. ohhhhhh heidi.
Comment by Steph 2009 June 5 @ 1:58 pmYeah, the last ime I tried one of those at-home kits; I had to draw on my eyebrow for about 3 weeks. There’s just some things you pay for.
Comment by thecoconutdiaries 2009 June 5 @ 9:39 pmI’m sorry for your pain, but this is hilarious. This is the stuff good sitcoms are made of!
Comment by Erin 2009 June 8 @ 3:58 pmSeriously…I had to cross my legs as I read this. Ouch. I hope you are feeling better.
Comment by Lex 2009 June 9 @ 9:14 amomg! I tried this too once and it ended horribly. I couldn’t remove the wax!!!! I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO LIVE FOREVER WITH WAX ATTACHED TO MY BODY. It was horrific.
Comment by La Petite Belle 2009 June 17 @ 8:35 amI love that product. I’m not sure where the disconnect is happening for you. I always have good results with the Gigi. I would offer to help you master your technique…but I think that might not be an option.
So, take some advil. A stiff drink of Coke. And try it again.
(Also, you’ll want to make sure your hair is trimmed and skin taut.)
GOOD LUCK. May the Wax Gods be with you.
Comment by Isabel 2009 June 18 @ 8:57 amDude. Been there.
(and still too cheap to just pay for a professional already)
(oh, to be able to afford the laser!)
Comment by Kayla 2009 June 25 @ 7:50 pmAnd this post is exactly why when I stumbled upon your blog several months ago, I keep coming back. I tried disparately not to bust out laughing in my very open (and male-oriented) office!
Comment by betterthanasoap 2009 July 24 @ 3:04 pmTried to wax my scalp with this yesterday. All the wax was completely stuck on the hair, since the root of the hair on the head is much “tighter” stuck into the head. Om my god. had to use a hairdryer to melt the wax off. I read somewhere that you can use a piece of cloth, to make it easier to rip it off, but i tried a kitchen towel, but it only came of. did´t stuck into the wax. Worthless piece of shit. Any comments? been using a epilator on my scalp, this wax was an attempt of pulling of the sides and back hair aswell, since epilator was a … KILLING PAIN.
Comment by Chris 2010 January 27 @ 7:06 am