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Do we have to do the “Sorry it’s been forever” thing? Because I really have been sooooo busy with X, Y, Z and chocolate…if I share the chocolate can we just skip the apologies and say we’re square?

“One can be overwhelmed, and one can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be ‘whelmed’?”

Lately I’ve been overwhelmed with the most simple and mundane activities–vacuuming, laundry, making chocolate jello pudding.  I have also been completely underwhelmed with some of the most ginormous of events–my sister getting engaged a few weeks ago and planning to get married in June, my looming lay-off scheduled for June 1, bills, relationships, etc.  Little things–ridiculously hard.  Big things–whatever.  It’s an odd place to be, for me.

Project: This thing called “Life”
Result: heidikins 0, Universe 49

I hate voicemail.  I haven’t listened to my voicemail messages for about three weeks and I’m afraid my phone may spontaneously combust any moment now.  It’s a relatively small thing, listening to voicemail messages, however I just can’t bring myself to spend one more minute with Judith, my automated voicemail Nazi, telling me to press 7 or 9 or 3 or 43.7…it’s just too much to deal with.  (Oh my laws, I sound like such a pansy!  Voicemail, people!)

Project: Listen to voicemail
Result: heidikins 0, Universe 43

I haven’t done anything active (like exercise, or running, or yoga or bicep curls with 5-pound bags of chocolate) for weeks and weeks.  My jeans are getting tighter and I find myself gravitating towards the forgiving tunic-ish shirts and higher-waisted (read: girdle-included) pants.  I am fully aware that a half-hour of good cardio four or five times a week would get rid of this problem in just a couple of weeks.  However, that teensy little thing seems completely unattainable.  “You want me to jog from here to Tooele?  Okey dokey, I’ll be back in two shakes!”

Project: Some semblance of a regular exercise routine
Result: heidikins 0, Universe 37

…Are you planning to stage an intervention yet?  Don’t you worry, the intervening has been done…sort of.  I haven’t listened to my voicemail yet and my “exercise” involved lifting a HEAVY bag of sugar up to the counter to make chocolate chip cookies a couple of days in a row.  However, I think there just might be some hope for me after all.

To de-funk I started hunting for jobs and found one that I start next week–absolutely no down-time between my current position and my new one.  In this economy?  I found a good, solid job in 5 business days, I am incredibly lucky and I can’t fathom how, exactly, that happened.  Right place, right time, right shoes I guess.

Project: Find new job in economy with rampant unemployment
Result: heidikins 2, Universe 31.

Over the weekend I cleaned my entire apartment which consisted of lots of bits and pieces rolled into one giant task to keep me motivated in my odd state of whelmyness.  I don’t want small, manageable tasks.  I want giant projects.  I want to wonder if I am in my right mind.  I can’t handle the thought of finding a cute little table on CraigsList…oh no.  This Little Red Hen decided to find a junk heap on the side of the road, dig through piles of other people’s garage sale failures, locate said little table, pack it into Roxy, take home, clean, sand, clean, sand (repeat ad nauseum) until the clean hardwood frame appeared.  At this point I just need to choose a stain color and I’ll have a cute little side table.  The (relatively) small task of finishing this project is completely overwhelming.  Spending five or six hours and 18 pounds of sandpaper was a piece of cake.  I’m a freak, don’t worry, I’m aware.

Project: Turn literal trash table into acceptable home furnishing
Result: heidikins 5, Universe 28

On Memorial Day I decided I wanted to get good and dirty*.  I helped a friend make a vegetable garden.  No, not plant a tomato and a green pepper in porch-pots, but turn a 13′x17′ patch of hardened clay and weeds into a vegetable garden.  This involved tearing out all weeds, turning over clay with a shovel, planning out the shape of the garden & placement of veggies, picking up–and hauling to-and-fro–cinder blocks for the border (filled with marigolds they are totally cute and non cinder blocky), concrete pavers for the pathways, and no less than 23 bags of compost and various animal refuse.  And turning all that poop into the new garden.  And laying out the fence around it to keep the dog out.  And laying the pavers in neat rows spaced like stepping stones.  And planting tomatoes, peas, peppers, zucchini, squash, cucumber, carrots, lettuce, strawberries, beets, onions….does this sound like a one-day project to you?  No?  Me neither.  However, three Rockstar women made a vegetable garden, with pathways and a fence and green-growing things IN UNDER 12 HOURS!  The boys cooked burgers and watched The Discovery Channel…or something.

Project: Make vegetable garden from hardened patch of weeds
Result: heidikins, et al 9, Universe 23

Somewhere before planting the strawberries and after shoveling chicken/steer/other poop I also taught a couple of kids how to (safely, of course) do back-flips on their trampoline and made-up my new, favorite cookie recipe.  Seriously, these are the best cookies I’ve ever had in my life–try them, love them, make them thrice weekly, devour, repeat, half-heartedly attempt to find support group…while whipping up another batch of Awesome-Sauce cookies.

Project: Invent brilliant recipe, consider submitting to Food Network
Result: heidikins 13, Universe 19

So, if you’ve been paying attention, the Universe and I are on about equal terms right now.  I’m one giant project away from taking the lead with a big, fat, “Screw You, Universe!”  Suddenly, I need a nap, the idea of this attainable win is completely underwhelming and I have lost interest in screwing the universe*.

Project: Write blog post already!  Stop pretending you’ve “gone private” or “been taken by gypsies” or “lost 7-8 phalanges in a manicure accident”.  Just write the damn thing already!
Result: heidikins 14, Universe 15.  Meh.

*Not to be taken out of context without express, written permission from heidikins.com.

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