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On becoming a Shark Whisperer, Part 1

I don’t mind spiders.  I don’t mind snakes.  I don’t mind walking home by myself in the dark (with a can of pepper-spray, of course).  I actually like heights and tiny spaces and while I do prefer the smell of bleach to dirt, I don’t consider myself a germaphobe, yet.

However, I am afraid of sharks.  Very afraid.  I’ve never seen a shark alive and in person–shockingly, they aren’t indigenous to the Great American West–and I’ve never seen “Jaws”.  But I can imagine it would be something like when the rest of the planet saw Psycho; blood and gore and bad dreams for months.  I did see a Barracuda that had been washed up on the beach in Hawaii, the beach I WAS LOUNGING ON THE DAY BEFORE, but by the time I laid eyes on it’s terrible jaws and rows of spike-teeth.

Shudder.  Sharks.  Me no likey.

That being said, you may remember that I have been working towards getting SCUBA certified, Handsome is already certified and surprised me with SCUBA lessons.  The bulk of my training was in a lovely, clean swimming pool.  The water was heated and there were bathrooms and showers less than 15 feet away.  After the novelty of breathing under-water wore off a bit, it occurred to me that this was not the ideal place to go diving, despite the perks of heated water and close-by amenities.  Swimming pool tile is only interesting for so long, really.  Even though I had Daniel Craig and Katherine Heigl look-alike instructors, all that SCUBA gear makes it impossible to gawk for more than 30 minutes before losing the celebrity behind masks and tanks and regulators.

Not Katherine Heigl, just me.  Hi, wanna see my tongue?

Allegedly, the best SCUBA diving is in the ocean.  The same ocean where they keep the sharks.  Clearly, something has got to give.  Now, there are several “ok” places to go diving here in the desert.  There are a couple of places with natural hot springs that are deep enough to dive.  Here’s the problem–no cool fish live in hot springs, just nasty bugs and little minnow-fishies who chomp on your toes.  To see the cool fish, and the coral, and to see for more than 3 feet in front of your face you need to go to someplace Big.  Like the shark-infested ocean.  You can see where I’m going with this, right?

During my SCUBA class we watched a video clip from one of our instructors on a dive in the Bahamas…or Bermuda…or something.  The Divemaster (that’s SCUBA-speak for Head Honcho In Charge Under Water) was in a chain-mail suit, underwater, feeding sharks.  Dozens and dozens of sharks.  And everyone was watching.  I almost lost my lunch.  But as the clip went on, it showed the Divemaster putting these sharks into a trace-like state, and then the shark would do whatever the Divemaster wanted it to do.  Like balance on his nose in the Divemaster’s hand.  Seriously.  These are not trained sharks, these were completely wild animals that the Shark Whisperer tamed in under 3 minutes.  I was immediately fascinated.

Like, unnaturally fascinated.  For the first time I actually wanted to get into the ocean with an 80-pound pack of gear, find some sharks, and learn how to make one balance on my hand without chomping it off.  I was in.  It’s crazy!  I don’t live anywhere near an ocean!  I doubt they even have sharks at my zoo!  But, so help me, I want to become a Shark Whisperer*.

*You had to know there was going to be a disclaimer, right? Ok, as long as we’re clear that I’m not completely off my rocker and do have a few conditions when it comes to playing with sharks.  A Shark Whisperer is my term for someone who is a) not afraid of sharks and b) may or may not be capable of putting a shark to sleep.  Seriously, it’s awesome, check it out.  This is not to be confused with Someone Who Kisses Sharks, or otherwise allows a shark to chomp it’s face, hand, leg, head, etc.  (Watch the Shark Kisser video at your own risk, don’t say I didn’t warn you.  I am not including links to the other chompings because I assume if you’re into that sort of thing you’ve already got a queue of Shark Attack! clips waiting for you at home.)

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