Filed under: Then and Now
I am a River.
Deep and misty,
vulnerable to emotion,
yet powerful and strong,
resistant to submission,
reflecting life.
Bound by destiny
but free to wander,
unconquered,
bringing a spirit
of liberation,
passion.
Showing little mercy,
yet forgiving trespasses.
Longing for distinction,
constantly changing,
always moving.
I pass by Somewhere,
leave traces Everywhere,
belong Nowhere.
I am a River.
—heidikins, april 2001
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When I was an angsty teenager I wrote a lot of angsty poetry. During a spring cleaning blitz I found my poetry notebook with pages and pages of thoughts, ideas, anger, pain and some really bad poems. Admittedly, some I actually liked, and a few I even love. I haven’t opened this book since 2002 and it was surprising in a lot of ways to see my teenage self reflected back at me. Goodness, that was a rough year!
Besides your typical “no one understands me!” stuff, there is a bit of “you ruined my life!” and an (un)healthy handful of “why can’t you just leave me alone?!?” mixed with just a dash of “please love me”. I wasn’t not one of those love-sick teenagers. Don’t get me wrong, I made-out with a couple dozen boys, and I knew most of their first and last names–but I was never particularly attached to any of them. Very few of these angsty teenage-y poems are about love, it just wasn’t a priority for me. I read through page after page of scribbling on how much I was hurting, and I remember how incredibly difficult that year was for me. It was not the worst year of my life, but at the time it was the most difficult I’d experienced. Laws, I’m so glad I am no longer there. Again, I have my own set of issues to deal with, and I still scribble down my rants and hurts and frustrations–only now I do it in public and have to be a bit more careful about who I throw under the Emotionally-Crazy bus, and I am much more apt to not have spelling errors (thank you SpellCheck).
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We all walk through life alone,
Down the dark passages of the unknown,
Who would be with out those lanterns in the darkness?
JAG 1991
That’s one of my poems from my teenage years – I still use it but it is the ONLY one that I’m not embarrassed about the rest of them are in the same vein as yours but boy were mine bad! LoL I had it quiet hard but I also moaned a hell of a lot in my stuff, it’s interesting to look back on it & see how much I’ve grown but its cringe worthy too.
Comment by grungedandy 2009 March 25 @ 2:20 amThanks for sharing Seeya Hugya *G*
oh i’ve just realised i missed a line! LoL
We all walk through life alone,
Down the dark passages of the unknown,
our friends help light the way,
Who would be with out those lanterns in the darkness?
JAG 1991
Seeya Hugya *G*
Comment by grungedandy 2009 March 25 @ 2:21 amOh, blogs are lovely things because they force us to express our angst in forms that do not involve bad poetry. Not that your poetry was bad, of course.
Comment by Jess 2009 March 25 @ 7:42 amBeautiful poem Heidi. Writing can be so therapeutic.
Comment by Vanessa Christensen 2009 March 25 @ 8:49 amMy bad poetry was always more Shel Silverstein or Dr. Seuss-like, which is really quite embarrassing.
Those teenage years are so challenging for everybody. I wish I could take teenagers who are hurting, sit them down, and tell them that, yes, life really does get better. Much better. Hang in there.
Comment by Sra 2009 March 25 @ 9:13 amAh, yes. Those angsty teenage years. Aren’t we so glad they’re done and over with? I myself have a collection of bad poetry from those days. But mine are almost all about love and feeling like nobody loved me and when will I ever be loved. Then I tried to move into song writing for a spell. Suddenly I met Hub-E and we were married and that was the end of my bad poetry and song writing days!
Comment by Chiada 2009 March 25 @ 9:32 amYou couldn’t pay me enough to return to those days. I too have some poetry written during my high school years, but I am too embarrassed to read it.
Your poem is actually good! High-School-Heidi has talent!
Comment by Hannah C. 2009 March 25 @ 1:18 pmYou’ve brought Pippin to mind – at the beginning of the play (perhaps his own angsty teenage years?) he sings
“Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly”
By the end of the play Pippin recognizes
“I’m not a river or a giant bird
That soars to the sea
And if I’m ever tied to anything
I’ll never be free.”
Thank goodness we don’t stay teenagers all our lives. Youth is good, but wisdom is better.
Comment by Cressida 2009 March 25 @ 6:04 pmNEVER
that should say NEVER
Arggh. Trying this again:
You’ve brought Pippin to mind – at the beginning of the play (perhaps his own angsty teenage years?) he sings
“Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly”
By the end of the play Pippin recognizes
“I’m not a river or a giant bird
That soars to the sea
And if I’m never tied to anything
I’ll never be free.”
Thank goodness we don’t stay teenagers all our lives. Youth is good, but wisdom is better.
Comment by Cressida 2009 March 25 @ 6:06 pm