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For the King of Hearts

It is so easy to become stagnant, to become lazy and to take things or people for granted.  Day after day, week after week, exactly the same.  Stagnating almost seems like the natural response.  It’s easy for relationships to become stagnant; dinner, hang-out, movies, whatever, repeat.  Unless someone changes the stakes, things will remain stagnant, cracks and divisions will form and eventually two separate and opposing sides will form.  Unfortunately sometimes you don’t see the cracks, you don’t realize what is happening.

In many ways, I cracked.  My cracks were noticeable and starting to show in my daily interactions.  I don’t know how I missed them.  Last week while I was wandering around San Francisco they suddenly were blatantly obvious to me.  A weekend away from my daily grind was exactly what I needed to see how my stagnant, lazy behavior had started to affect my relationships, particularly one relationship.

Ya know, it really is a good thing that Handsome knows how to sweep a girl off her feet, I’m not so great at sweeping.  (See “stagnating”, above.  Also, see dictionary to see if “stagnating” is actually a proper word.)

Last week Handsome told me that he wanted to take me on a date–ok, interest piqued–and that it was a surprise, and that I needed to wear a dress and heels.  Wow, in less than 4.7 seconds I was completely obsessed with figuring out what kind of surprise Handsome had in mind.  I generally hate surprises.  Alright, “hate” may be a bit of a stretch, but not by much.  The suspense and anticipation is absolute torture for me.

Over the next couple of days I pestered Handsome with approximately 862 questions trying to unravel this surprise-date business.  For the record, Handsome is really good at keeping secrets.  The only thing I could get out of him was that besides the surprise date factor, I was apparently receiving something larger than a candybar and smaller than a book.  (Frankly, I would have been perfectly content with either the candy bar or the book, but I digress.)

Friday night I rushed home from work to primp and make the final decision on my outfit–creamy chiffon polka-dot skirt, black sweater and red satin slingbacks.  When Handsome walked in with a bunch of my favorite flowers, daisies, I knew it was going to be an amazing night.  When he let me choose his shirt, and even shaved off his 5-o-clock shadow, I was smitten all over again.

And my surprise?  Swoon!  It was a fantastic surprise.  Handsome made me a CD of all of his favorite romantical love songs, my very own mix-tape.  I don’t think I’ve ever had a boy give me a mix-tape of love songs.  Checking mental inventory, nope.  This is my first mix-tape!  I have listened to this CD several times over and I must admit, I fall in-love with that boy a little more every time I think about the time he spent choosing the songs, narrowing it down to a short-list of favorites, and then picking the 18 “best” ones from the longish short-list.

The rest of my surprise was a mythical dinner & dancing date.  Me, Handsome, slightly cheesey DJ, and a room full of strangers.  Let me repeat that last part, a room full of strangers. Now, the vast majority of you do not know me in real life, and those of you who do know me in real life may not know that I do not dance in public.  Ever.  And I define “public” as anywhere outside of my shower.  I have been known to get my groove on in the tub, but that’s about it.  So me dancing in public is a BIG deal.  I was so nervous!  The fact that Handsome is an amazing dancer (think waltz, fox-trot, cha-cha and swing more than “shake your booty” kind of dancing) only made me more nervous.  I already felt like a fool and when he and everyone else in the room saw me looking all fooly while trying to remember one-two-three, one-two-three, slow-slow-quick-quick, one-two-three…just thinking about it now gives me anxiety.

After a couple of hours my one-two-three’s were getting better and my swing was actually passable.  Granted, I still felt like I had three left feet.  I am also convinced that my posture–while fantastic in heels–is transformed into a that of a hunchback when dancing because I can’t stop looking at my Handsome’s feet.   Shrug.  I’ll get better at this, right?  Besides, spending the night twirling and spinning and being held by a Handsome man is something I could definitely get used to, despite the “dancing in public” thing.

What does this have to do with relationship cracks?  Well, there are bandaids for cracks and there are genuine fixes.  For me, spending the night dancing with Handsome is a fix.  Listening to a romantical CD he compiled is a fix.  Realizing just how much I miss him is a fix.  Going on a road-trip is a fix.  I don’t know if I could actually define the bandaid solutions, but I do know that I don’t want any more bandaids.  I don’t want any more cracks.  I am well aware that I am at fault and have a myriad of things I need to work on, I am so very far from perfect.  But I also know that as I work on things that will make us better I want nothing more than to have Handsome holding my hand and leading me through the tricky bits.

That saying “Dance like no one is watching, love like you’ve never been hurt” always seemed like a nice saying to me, something to be cross stitched on throw pillows or doodled on your chemistry homework, or even taped to the bathroom mirror.  It never occurred to me that it could actually be true.

I love you Handsome, Happy Valentine’s Day.*

*Yes, I know it’s not Valentine’s Day, but due to The Booksale this weekend, we’re celebrating early.

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