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Most years I–and the rest of the planet–make a resolution to either lose a few pounds, or turn jiggly places on my arse into non-jiggly places, or whatever.  Most of the time I don’t keep this resolution past Valentines Day, what with the chocolate and all.  In fact, I don’t ever make New Year’s Resolutions until Chinese New Year.  I figure if I can’t keep a resolution throughout the month of January I should just cross it off the list right away.  And here we are–checks calendar–January 12 and I still am on a diet.  And I’ve lost 7 pounds this week.  This might just stick.

Any diet is tricky, I understand that.  I am not exactly a “diet” person.  I subscribe to the “eat your veggies and run around the block” school of nutrition & health–however it is not really working out so well for me this year.  So, diet it is.  As a little Monday Treat for you, I present my ABC’s of Dieting, also known as “How long can I possibly last without thinking about chocolate.”*

A–  “Allowed food” lists are frustratingly narrow-minded.  And limiting!  Damn lists.

B–  Brownie Count (1)…but it was very small.

C–  Cookies…I am craving gingersnaps!  Ok, off the sweets.  Celery is delicious…cough.

D–  Diet’s are hard, really hard!  I certainly hope I don’t have to do one of these again anytime soon.

E–  Eggs are allowed…I don’t particularly like eggs, except with salsa.  Salsa is not allowed–yet.

F–  Fast Food is right out, good thing I don’t like fast food.

G–  Gouda Cheese, I love it!  I also love that I can eat as much as I want!  Yay for “allowed food” lists!

H–  heidikins is not in-love with the fact that she’s on a diet–or the fact that she’s speaking in third person–but she does love that her diet includes cheese and (some form of) chocolate.

I–  Ice-cream is not allowed on diets….sigh.

J–  Jell-o, fat-free, sugar-free chocolate pudding is something I try and eat two or three times per day.

K–  Khocolate.  Fat-free, sugar-free chocolate Jell-o  pudding is Khocolate.  It’s a fake.  Like Krab.

L–  Lb’s left to lose: 23-27, depending on how happy I am with the way my pants fit after losing 23 will dictation whether or not I try to lose the others.

M–  Making up recipes is part of any diet, most meals are a hodge-podge of the “approved foods” in the fridge.  It’s been kind of fun.

N–  No carbs, No sugar, No fun.

O–  Oscar Meyer Center-Cut Bacon, ohmylaws, it’s delicious!

P–  Pasta is perhaps the thing I miss the most, and going out to Italian restaurants and not ordering pasta is practically a crime.  Balsamic glaze on everything else almost makes up for not having pasta.

Q–  Quiche is my breakfast staple, somehow the veggies & extra doses of ground pepper mask the eggs.

R–  Radicchio is not tasty.  In fact, it’s quite bitter.  Vegetable FAIL.

S–  Salads the size of my face can get tiring, shockingly.  Thank heaven’s for cheese.

T–  Tomato sauce with extra veggies is a sad substitute for spaghetti…but it will do in a pinch.  Lots of garlic helps.  Pastaholics (or Pastafarians) without the ability to consume pasta by the bucket-load is very sad.

U–  Um…..I still want some chocolate.

V–  Vegetables are the basis of my diet, I like veggies, really, I do.  But not as much as I like chocolate.

W–  Would it surprise you to know that making up diet-y things about “W”, “X” and “Y” is a bit difficult?  No?  Good.  (If I were doing a Weight Watchers diet it would make sense to state that here…I’m not trying Weight Watchers, hence no mention.)

X–  XL-to-me size pants (also known as “largest size pants I’ve ever worn”) will shortly be downsized to regular-to-me size pants.  Excellent!

Y–  You know what I’d like right now?  Another brownie.  Not on the “approved food” list.

Z–  Zucchini can be masked to substitute for all sorts of different foods, but not chocolate.

*New record: 45 seconds lapsed before fantasizing dreaming thinking about chocolate.