I have never been one to dutifully follow Miss Manners column and painstakingly take heed of all her advice. However, I was raised to be polite, courteous and generous with my time. I will be the first to admit that sometimes I am neither polite or courteous, but those situations are few and far between, and usually provoked.
We live in a casual society, and my little corner of the world is perhaps more casual than most. From dinner parties (practically non-existent), to weddings (jeans and no gift is acceptable, shockingly), to RSVP’s (What?), my world is casual. Invitations are generally emails or text messages, parties are “come as you are, if you come at all,” and punctuality is a word that many people have never heard, let alone understand. I’m convinced my geographic area is on it’s own seperate time zone; 45 minutes later than everything else. We have become a croc-society; lazy and unattractive, taking the path of least resistance in everything from manners to footwear, making the unacceptable suddenly–and shockingly–acceptable. I realize that part of this is culture, part is technology and part is pure laziness. Sadly, I can’t do much about any of those to change this overly casual attitude. However, I can rant about it.
What happened to the days of tuxedo-and-evening gown parties? What about dressing up to go on a date? How long has it been ok to RSVP to an event, and then not show up without any word as to why? How long has it been ok to not RSVP? How long has it been ok to blow off a friend for a better offer without a word of apology? How long has it been ok to generally behave like a selfish dolt? I am so sick of the nonchalant “whatever” attitude. Perhaps I need new friends? Or perhaps I need to move. How is social etiquette where you live? Would I be able to find an apartment with a walk-in closet and a whole new set of friends?
I think that some of the “old fashioney rules” are just that, old fashioned. In reviewing these rules in my head, however, most of the old-fashioned-to-me rules revolve around fashion. I always wear black to weddings, I wear white after Labor Day, I wear diamond earrings and shiny fabrics to work and my shoes and my bag don’t always match. The rest of Miss Manner’s canon is still valid, despite cell phones and Facebook and Twitter. Perhaps even because of those technological advances–reputed to keep you connected and in the loop with your friends–Miss Manner’s rules are even more important.
- Thank you notes–not Thank You texts–should be hand written and sent promptly.
- RSVP’s should be made, and kept, when requested.
- Weddings, birthday or dinner parties and funerals are to be attended whenever possible, and one should be dressed appropriately, with gift.
- Everyone should be treated with kindness and respect, regardless of differences.
Be nice. Don’t fight. Send thank-you notes. It’s simply kindergarten etiquette, right?
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I totally think that it is a geographical thing. I got married in SLC, I’m not from there and I remember thinking how weird it was that only 3 poeple RSVPed. Even my own family didn’t tell me that they were coming to my wedding. Shesh!!
Comment by Mickey 2008 November 17 @ 8:27 amEtiquette is easy: just do whatever makes other people happy and comfortable. Remembering to have proper etiquette is another matter entirely.
Comment by Noelle 2008 November 17 @ 9:49 amWe have become a society of entitled and lazy me-firsts. I agree with you that a little more social grace ought to be practiced. My biggest pet peeve right now that isn’t really etiquette, but is related, is people who behave more familiarly than our relationship status ought to allow. I’m thinking particularly about a few of Ian’s friends who don’t really know anything about me but act as if we’re best friends when we see each other, with hugging and “Oh, I love you!” and all that. Yeah, I only do that with my actual friends, and even then not so often. Whatever happened to boundaries and different layers of intimacy? Now everyone is everyone’s best friend.
Comment by Sra 2008 November 17 @ 10:30 amHear, hear! Things are a simple as treat others like you want to be treated. And even if “we” perhaps not lack in every etiquette manner as the ones you’ve described, there’s a whole lot to be wished for when it comes to politeness and good manners this side of the puddle, Scandinavian latitudes as well.
The bit about blow off a friend for a better offer without a word of apology I can totally relate to when it comes to one particular friend and one of my oldest at that. I’ve actually talked to her about it and *surprise* she thinks it’s my imagination… I still consider her a good friend, for all sorts of reasons, but I’m also aware of the fact that she’s not all that reliable. Sadly.
Comment by Pia 2008 November 17 @ 10:45 amI think that last one encapsulates all of them. The Golden Rule is a decent rule to live by, I think.
I’m voting for new (local) friends for Heidikins.
Comment by Gwen 2008 November 17 @ 11:14 amJust when you think you know about etiquette, the rules change! Getting married, and oh, having a child really change the rules. I’m sure not in U. but certainly in NY. For example, I guess growing up close to family made it seem easy to visit people with a small child. Not so here. Kids don’t go outside and play together. They must have a playdate no matter what. And RSVPing is an absolute must for everything, but especially kids Birthday parties! It’s fun for mommies to have playdates too, but very difficult when mommy has a job! Because the other mommies meet in playdates all afternoon and when after work time comes along, they are busy making dinner for their spouses, of course!
Comment by Jen 2008 November 17 @ 1:43 pmOh how I wish that there were more people who noticed this. Especially the RSVP. Hello people?
Comment by Tenille 2008 November 17 @ 3:31 pmI am a freak planner so the RSVP stuff stresses ME OUT. Like the fact that next week is Turkey day and I have to order my turkey and HELLLLLLLOOOO people are still undecided. My plan? Get the biggest damn turkey they sell and hope for the best.
Comment by Stephanie 2008 November 17 @ 3:37 pmI’m probably not the right person to ask as I was always taught good manners cost nothing! And I continue to say please & thank you even to bus drivers! I think ever one deserve respect from the lowly waitress to the queen I try to treat people how I would like to be treated myself (and not how they treat me! Although it’s not always easy especially as a lot of people seem to have lost the ability to say thank you)
I would dump my friends if they did swap me for a better offer with out a very good explanation, in fact I think I have actually done that! A true friend would never treat you that way. That is more what an acquaintance would do! I do not mind thank you texts or emails (although a card is always nice) in today’s society every one is so busy I’m just glade people remembered to do it at all! It’s all about time, I am more forgiving of my friends with kids as I know how all of a sudden it’s a month gone by , I just hope that they return the favour when I’m a little tardy and forgive me!
My important things would be
• Give up your seat to some one who needs it more with out being asked
• Say thank you when some one dose said giving up seat
• Don’t let door slam in others faces ( boy or girl)
• Say thank you for holding said door
• Treat people with respect & say thank you a lot more! LoL
I think it’s all down to communication, people forget that we have yet to become this mind reading race that they show in star trek, so we actually have to pick up the phone or text or write to tell the person that yes we will or won’t be coming to said event & thank you for asking (you might note that THANK YOU is a big thing with me!)
Hope you find that new wardrobe of friend’s (but be careful if you find snow in the back of it you’ve gone too far & found Narnia! LoL) or your old one gets a little shake up & wake up and starts treating you with a little respect! Thanks Seeya hugya *G*
Comment by grungedandy 2008 November 17 @ 4:08 pmIn Germany we are a lot more conservative about manners. You are generally expected to be on time, people are better dressed (I am a college student and I would never go to classes in sweats), and we are not so spontaneous so usually also reliable (if we say we will come to a party…), they’re all generalizations, and there are many situations in which Americans have much better manners, but these are things that are good here.
Comment by Viviane 2008 November 17 @ 4:32 pmI am with you on all this stuff! Some things are just basic and should always be done.
Comment by Jess 2008 November 18 @ 9:45 amAMEN. For ever 25 thank you cards I send, I probably get one in return. It makes me want to stop sending gifts.
Comment by Rhi 2008 November 18 @ 12:46 pmi am so bad at thank you notes, but i have been trying my hardest to get better. i am definitely trying, haha.
Comment by katelin 2008 November 18 @ 6:27 pmThank you notes are SO hard with the baby. People keep sending gift after gift and I get so TIRED of writing the same drivel over and over, but I do it. And every time I think about not doing it, I remember that I still haven’t received a thank you note for a wedding we attended over a year ago.
Oh and the RSVP thing drives me NUTS.
Love your rant.
Comment by Pocklock 2008 November 18 @ 7:41 pmI asked my +1 out on our first date over text sadly. I should have been more formal.
BUT I did send her a handwritten letter in the mail recently. For reals.
Comment by Dan Mega 2008 November 18 @ 8:44 pmSocial etiquette where I live? Not so good. Although the RSVP thing isn’t so bad – if you ask for a RSVP you usually get it. And people will dress up for certain occasions. (Jeans to a wedding?! Are you kidding?!)
Comment by Allie 2008 November 18 @ 11:14 pmPunctuality etc, though – not so good.
Amen, Sister!
Comment by Trish Ryan 2008 November 19 @ 12:48 pmI completely agree with everything you say. The rules are in place for a reason: to maintain good order. If good order is not maintained, then you get many unhappy people.
Harry
PS-I am enjoying reading some of your posts. You may have earned a new reader.
Comment by Harry 2008 November 26 @ 9:46 am