So, once upon a time I dated this guy, let’s call him The Always Selfish Sam, and then we broke up. End of story, deleted from phone, forgotten.
A few years later, I am single again, going on a second or third date with someone I kind of liked and was talking to my dad about his second or third date with someone he kind of liked. For the record, it’s a little strange to be swapping dating stories with your dad. However, it was a good weekend for us both, although his date stuck around a little longer than mine. Two and a half years longer, actually. Lurch–that would be my dad, Lurch–and his fantastic girlfriend, Glinda, will be getting married this fall. They are a great match and I’ve never seen my dad happier or more content. I really couldn’t be more excited for them.
Except.
There’s just one, teensy little hiccup.
A hiccup that didn’t rear it’s teensy, but indescribably awkward head until a few months ago.
Lurch went with Glinda to a family event, and he saw this man he thought he recognized but wasn’t sure. And after a few minutes he realized that The Always Selfish Sam (ASS) had crashed the party.
Only he hadn’t really crashed the party, because he was invited.
Clearly, I have done something to piss off Fate. Fate has retaliated. Sadly, as Fate would have it, The ASS is Glinda’s nephew. HER NEPHEW! This alone is shocking to me as they are nothing alike! Glinda is good and beautiful and powerful and has done AMAZING things to my dad’s penny-loafer-and-polo wardrobe. The ASS well, he is neither good nor magical. In fact, he’s exactly what his name suggests. Always Selfish. And an ass.
The ASS called me the other day–of course I screened him and then promptly deleted his voice mail–to let me know he is in town and would love to see me. Um, thanks, but No Thanks (i.e. “Stay the hell away from me you psycho!”). I do not want to see him. Firstly, because he is The ASS. Secondly, because he is my x-boyfriend. Thirdly, because…well, no actually. Reasons one and two should be plenty sufficient.
A few minutes later I was sucker-punched in the stomach with a terrible, terrible idea; after Lurch and Glinda get married, The ASS will be my cousin. My bonafide cousin. My family-functions-and-holidays cousin. MY COUSIN, PEOPLE!! The ASS will be my COUSIN!
What is wrong with this statement: If your x-boyfriend is your cousin…
Why yes, that’s correct. EVERYTHING is wrong with that statement! Wrongity-wrong-wrong!!
Ladies and gentleman (or is it men? Do I have more than one male reader?), will someone PLEASE send me a Redneck Membership Card? I can name a half-dozen NASCAR drivers and my x-boyfriend is will be my cousin. Sick. Sick and Wrong. It’s time to throw in the Redneck towel, tease my hair into an unnatural pouf–called Utah Hair, for those of you who missed that post–and accept the fact that I have dated someone who is will be listed on my family tree.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go throw up. Again.
Shudder. The ASS will be my cousin.
Sick.
23 Comments so far
Leave a comment
LoL I only think it counts if you were cousins before you dated! Not your fault if some one got married & made you cousins, you weren’t born cousins that’s the real yuck! But if it keeps him off your case you go ahead & use that redneck card you so don’t need an ASS in your life! Seeya Hugya *G*
Comment by grungedandy 2008 August 19 @ 1:04 amHaha, that is awkward. But at least you’ll never be related by blood.
Comment by Viviane 2008 August 19 @ 3:04 amUmmmm… Yeah. Redneck!
That really and truly is awkward. Don’t know what else to say…
Comment by Z 2008 August 19 @ 5:15 amOh no! Ugh! I love the acronym, though.
Comment by Jess 2008 August 19 @ 6:35 amSo… one time, I was at a family reunion when my sister started freaking out and asking me to hide her. I asked her what was going on and she said, “You see that guy over there? I made out with him last year.”
They were kissing cousins and neither of them had any clue until the reunion.
Lesson: ask for a pedigree before you make any romantic moves.
Comment by Britt 2008 August 19 @ 6:43 amSeriously! Redneck? You aren’t even related by blood and you dated him before you even found out about the completely coincidental connection (unless you want to chalk it up to fate, which if that is the case you should seriously look at what fate is sending you and why). Oh boy, someone needs to get you grounded again because I think your rantings are starting to loose their logical base. But, I love you regardless of how crazy your arguments become.
See you in a few days.
Comment by Nate 2008 August 19 @ 7:01 amThis is the kind of thing that Utah is famous for…everyone’s related, remember?
One time I was helping my friend’s friend’s brother on a campaign in Salt Lake. The friend’s friend’s brother’s best friend was nice. His name was Jake. He and I got along well and started chatting each other up to get to know each other. Well, within five minutes we realized he was my cousin! His dad is my mom’s uncle, or something like that. We had never met them, so that’s why I didn’t know them…. only in Utah, kids only in Utah….
Comment by Jen 2008 August 19 @ 8:01 amOh my. Oh my oh my.
Well…it could be worse. He could be your step brother
And VT has similar troubles in the redneck dept…my sister has dated a boy who was related to me through marriage – my great aunt’s husband’s nephew. My great aunt is my nana’s sister. It’s distant and not blood but still. weird. Even worse? My father was my sister and brother’s uncle before he was their step father
Talk about FREAKY! He was married to their father’s sister before he was married to my mother. My mother claims she never met him (they were only married for a very short time) when he was married to her then sister-in-law but still. Craziness.
Comment by legallyheidi 2008 August 19 @ 8:50 amUmm, if I were a friend, I would come up with a million reasons why you shouldn’t worry too much. I’d tell you everyone has at least one ASS family member and maybe your time coming has been longer awaited than most. Or something like that. But, instead? I’m laughing my ass off because you have so eloquently written about this brutally unfunny situation. I’m still laughing, though. What’s wrong with me?!?
Comment by Nilsa 2008 August 19 @ 9:49 amOH MY GOD. This would be hysterical if you didn’t have to live it.
Comment by Operation Pink Herring 2008 August 19 @ 10:29 amYuck. Not the cousins thing, it isn’t by blood after all, but the possibility of having to sometimes see a much loathed ex. Not pleasant.
Comment by Sra 2008 August 19 @ 10:50 amOh man. That’s just lame. And not right. I’m so sorry!
Comment by Erin 2008 August 19 @ 11:23 amHa. That’s kinda cool. And the one thing you appear to need, more than anything, is MORE cousins.
Comment by sovknight 2008 August 19 @ 12:00 pmI thought that you were going to say that your dad found out that Glinda was a cousin. Now that would be awkward. Okay, so how often are you actually going to have to see this guy?
Comment by mjsteimle 2008 August 19 @ 12:56 pmYikes! No good can come of that. Just don’t let the ‘redneck’ rub off!
Comment by Alyssa Goodnight 2008 August 19 @ 3:00 pmoh man that is definitely not good. at least he’s becoming your cousin now, after you dated. as opposed to while you were still together. that’d be even weirder.
Comment by katelin 2008 August 19 @ 4:40 pmAt least it makes for a funny story!
Comment by Jackie 2008 August 19 @ 4:53 pmWhy is life hilarious in the creepiest ways? My uncle told my sister her husband is her cousin, but it turns out he’s just remembering our large, twisted family tree wrong. Bullet dodged.
Comment by J P 2008 August 19 @ 6:59 pmoh man, i don’t know what to say to that, except that you are not a red neck, and i am very happy for you dad!
Comment by Lacey 2008 August 20 @ 7:31 amHeidi – You are a gifted writer. You make me laugh every time I read your blog.
p.s. Here’s a little video for (ASS)
Comment by Cousin Russ 2008 August 21 @ 10:38 pmOh that is so precious and painful and hilarious all at once!
Will you dance with him at the reception?
Comment by Laurel 2008 August 22 @ 6:33 pmOh my gosh,that’s awesome, Joe Dirt style! Just think if you had hit it off and things had worked out with you and the ASS and not realized it until now. You could have little half ass kids running around with their half ass siblings doing half ass things because their dad is a complete ASS!
Comment by Uzi 2008 August 27 @ 7:01 pmHi,
as you’re so keen on fairy tales – have you ever been to those areas in Germany where the Grimm tales come from? I’m thinking about organizing a trip there…
Sincerely from Germany,
Uli
Comment by Uli Buschmann 2008 September 15 @ 8:00 am