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If the shoe fits, but it’s ugly, don’t buy it!

Last night Handsome & I braved the crowds at The Cheesecake Factory to participate in their 30th Anniversary goodness; all cheesecake priced at $1.50.  That’s what I’m talking about!  (And now, I’m having left-over Key Lime Pie Cheesecake for breakfast; I don’t believe I can ever go back to bagels for breakfast.)  While we were waiting for our table–50 to 75 minutes, thankyouverymuch–we decided to wander around Nordstrom.  And because we are talking about heidikins here, self-professed shoe-addict, we started in women’s footwear. 

And the Shoe Goddess–that would be me, the Shoe Goddess–saw that it was terrible, and she turned her face away in horror and embarrassment.

I was actually shocked at the dearth of cute shoes, or rather, the complete absence of any pair of shoes I would even consider.  More specifically, there was only ONE pair of shoes that I thought “Wow, those are cute!” and would have asked a sales person to fetch my size.  Admittedly, I am fairly picky when it comes to what I will put on my feet, but in the wide world of Nordstrom’s shoe department, one would think that I, a card-carrying Nordstrom fan, would find more than one pair of satisfactory footwear. 

Now, before I get bombarded by comments with links of your favorite shoes (oooh! will you send me links of your favorite shoes?!?) allow me to give you a few facts regarding my love affair with shoes.  My opinions are strictly for what goes on my own feet; I will love you regardless of your shoe choice.  Unless, of course, your shoes are uggtastic, in which case, we need to chat. 

I do not like flat shoes, ballet flats included.  I have big feet (size 10) and a really high arch and ballet flats offer absolutely no support for my feet.  After wearing flat shoes (flip flops, sandals, whatever) for a few hours my feet are aching for a 4-inch heel to support my arches.  Also, due to the hugeness of my feet, ballet flats do nothing to make them appear smaller.  If anything, they make my feet look longer than necessary.  A shoe with a fantastic heel will shorten the distance between big toe and Achilles tendon, making my feet appear smaller, which is what I prefer.

I am not really digging the moccasin trend.  Or the lace-up oxford stiletto trend.  Or the all-over ugly-shoe trend..oops, was that my outside voice?  Better scratch that last comment.  I prefer shoes that make my feet and legs look longer, leaner, sexier…moccasins, with no arch support, and oxfords do not fit that bill.  I also try to steer clear of T-strap shoes because they tend to make my calves appear chunkier than usual, and with half-marathon training muscles, um, they aren’t “slim” in the first place.

And must we actually have shoes that look like 1930′s factory-worker shoes?  The bad colors, the squatty heel, the unflattering cut.  Sporting something like this in the office, or the mall, or on a date is like wearing an ill-fitting, saggy swim-suit on a super-trendy beach of bikini-clad surfer-chicks; Not A Good Idea.  I really can’t get over the badness of these shoes…it hurts my heart to think that some poor girl will be taking them home with her and actually wearing them out in public.  Say a prayer for that girl, ok?  (Oh goodness, I just realized that it is possible that one of you–my dearly loved readers–might actually be loving these shoes…if that is the case please let me know.  I will still love you and think you are fabulous, but I will also light a candle for you.  I think in this type of extreme case, God will overlook the fact that I’m not Catholic.)

I saved my least favorite ugly-shoe offender for last, and I really hope that this Ugg-rant will be brief and relatively painless, although my gut tells me otherwise.  I don’t care what strung-out celebrity US Weekly pictures in Uggs and oversized sunglasses; and I don’t care how many people claim these are the be-all, end-all of comfortable footwear; and I don’t care that they come in pink–THESE SHOES/BOOTS/SLIPPERS ARE UGLY!!  If you want to wear them around the house to keep your tootsies warm, fine.  But do not wear them to the grocery store, or to class, or to work, or–heaven forbid–on a date. /End Rant. 

Are you still there?  Have you deleted me from your reader for picking on your favorite shoes?  Please don’t, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend.  I don’t care if you wear ballet flats every day, and if you can rock the lace-up oxford, I applaud you.  I don’t expect you to love my 4-inch heels and I certainly don’t get offended when someone tells me that there is no way they would wear spike heels to the grocery store.  It’s ok.  I understand that my feet are unnaturally shaped like Barbie feet and therefore need to wear heels.  We can still be friends, right?

So as not to leave on a sad and depressing note, I think it only fair to give you proof/hope that cute shoes do still exist, albeit according to Nordstrom, in considerably smaller numbers.  I would like these in black, please! 

To Nordstrom’s credit, while I was looking for pics of the Ugly Shoes, I did find a handful of cute ones online that did not show up in my store.  In which case, I must go have a chat with the shoe department manager of my local Nordstrom, the man/woman must be on a rogue crusade to demand Salt Lakers conform and be clad in ugliness from the ankles down.  He/she must be reckoned with, so help me.  Thank heaven I’m heading to Seattle, Nordstrom’s hometown, tomorrow; hopefully their selection of shoes will be less depressing.

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