**WARNING: As the title suggests, this post will discuss all sorts aspects of getting your girly bits waxed. For some of you (Lurch, I’m talking to you) this may be waaaayyyyy TMI. Proceed with caution. And if you really have no interest in reading about my girly bits, close this window and come back tomorrow for something not related to waxing or Brazil. And no complaining that I didn’t warn you.**
A few months ago I started looking around for a waxer; I think I was having an “it’s freezing cold, why not try something summery to take the chill off?” type of moment, and after yet another fight with my razor during a bikini-line clean-up, I somehow got to thinking that ”hey, summer is coming up (in 5 months) and Handsome & I are thinking of a vacation to Hawaii, and hey, that’s beachy.. maybe I should try a bikini wax.” Hmmm, that’s a thought! I immediately looked up Isabel’s Smackdown on Bikini Waxing, I read her waxing wisdom thorough twice, and every, single comment. I felt like I was armed with the information and tips I would need to venture into the world of waxing.
Next step: find a waxer. I visited about a thousand websites for salons, beauty schools, and spas and apparently entered a contest for a free bikini wax at a newish salon down the road, Wax Me Too. I don’t remember entering, but a week or two later they called me up telling me that “Congrats! You’ve won a free Bikini Wax! Come in and we’ll pour hot wax on you and rip your hair out by the roots for free!” I went back to their website and remembered that I had liked their layout, their story, blah blah blah -yes, I judge companies based on their websites- and so I booked the appointment.
I showed up prepared, I had taken a couple of Ibuprofen thirty minutes earlier, I had exfoliated the area that morning, and had just popped in a fresh piece of chewing gum–which helps keep me calm during airplane landings and rush-hour traffic…why not during a wax. I then stripped for a total stranger, climbed up on the paper-covered table, and let Jolie-the-Waxer see all my girly bits. I figured it couldn’t be worse than the gyno; I will trade hot wax for that cold, duck-bill clamp-thing any day of the week. Commence Bikini Wax. And it hurt. A lot. Curse through clenched teeth, a lot. Take deep breaths through tears, a lot. Dig heels into table and fingernails into palms, a lot. But, after just a few strips, it was over and I was happy enough with the results to schedule a second appointment.
A few days later the red bumps had gone down, enter Buyers Remorse. For the record, a bikini wax looks funny on me. I mean, in an actual bikini it would look fine, but those straight lines just look REALLY weird in a place where there should not be any straight lines. At any rate, I decided that on my next appointment I’d just have her take it all off, because that had to look better than the weirdly geometric triangle of blondish/tan hair. Right? Right. I know some versions of a Brazilian leave a landing-strip thingy, but that goes back to the weird geometric, straight-lined shape in a place that shouldn’t have straight lines thing.
At my next appointment, thinking it wouldn’t be much more painful than a bikini wax (WRONG!), I told my waxer to just take everything off. Begin cursing and swearing and much more gnashing of teeth. My thought process before, during and after the torture wax, let me show you it:
- heidikins pre-wax: I wonder if I could get to the point where I can give myself a wax? That would save me quite a bit of money. (At $60 a wax, they aren’t cheap.)
- After first strip: Ouch! Ok, wow. Um… well? This isn’t SO bad.
- After second-to-last-strip in super-sensitive place, think “remove landing strip”: Alright! That’s it! HOLY SHYZE! There’s no way I’m letting her touch me again! I’ll be half Brazilian!
- First thought upon completion: Oh. My. Gaaaash! Owie! (whimper) I’m not supposed to hurt this much there! (sniff sniff) Alright, so it is all red and splotchy and swollen now, but it will get better, right? Holy crap! that hurts! How does Isabel do this? Ow! ow! Ow! ow! Ow! ow! Where’s that damn cold washcloth? (whimper, grit teeth, deep breaths.) I sooo deserve chocolate for this! And a pony.
Alright, so really? I had no idea it would hurt that much. Granted, I’m a wuss and have super sensitive skin. But DAMN! I almost cried. Twice. Ok, three times. Just thinking about it makes my skin prickle and my muscles tense up. I immediately sent an emergency “please reassure me!” text to Isabel, who along with Jolie-the-Waxer reassured me that I shouldn’t judge until I have 3 or 4 and am down to the “maintenance” instead of the “rip hair out by the roots and turn sensitive skin into a ruddy mess.”
Several waxes later, I decided I was ready to write about my monthly trips to Brazil. Honestly? I was glad I’d written a couple of panicky emails the day of my first wax, because otherwise, I don’t think I would remember how much it hurt. The second wax hurt for about 5 seconds, and left my skin soft instead of red and blotchy. During my third wax I didn’t even need the chewing gum to keep myself calm. Easy-peasy.
Changing gears; before anyone jumps down my throat for pandering to some Playboy-esque fantasy thing…give me a chance to give you the short version of why I decided to go Brazilian. I mean, besides the “geometric shapes are not normal down there” argument–which, frankly, should be enough of a reason. I am not a hairy person, and the hair that I do have, eyebrows and eyelashes included, is freakishly blonde. Honestly, the jump from fuzzy-blonde to hairless and never-seen-the-sun is not much of a jump. My decision to take it all off had very little to do with a look. I like how much cleaner it feels, I can’t help it if I think hairy is nasty. Mind you, this is my personal opinion, about a very personal subject. Yes, I’m writing it up for the Internets, but it’s still personal. You don’t have to agree, but play nice, m’kay?
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OMG.
Two words for you: hard wax. I am not sure if it was covered in Isabel’s post, but seriously? A waxer who uses hard (stripless) wax will change your life. The pain is about 40% of what a regular wax is, and, for me, it’s even quicker.
Comment by Laurel 2008 May 15 @ 9:29 amThanks for sharing.
I am literally on amazon right now buying hard wax to try at home.
I’m with you…I do it more about the “cleanliness” aspects and not so much about the “playboy-esque” aspects.
Hair free is just a cleaner way to live.
Thanks for sharing. Now maybe we can convince even more people to give it a try!
Comment by Isabel 2008 May 15 @ 9:49 amOw! Ow! Ow! I can’t even think about this! I had been considering doing it but, um? Yeah, I don’t know. OW.
Comment by Jess 2008 May 15 @ 9:49 amHoly mother of god.
But I want to try.
Comment by Stephanie 2008 May 15 @ 10:19 amI was thinking about laser hair removal, because if I never had to shave down there again, that would be awesome. I’m not sure if it would work for someone as blonde as I am though. Still, your Brazilian experience frightens me into thinking that’s not an option either.
Comment by Sra 2008 May 15 @ 10:33 amYou’re brave. Normal bikini waxing hurts enough. I’m kind of hesitant about doing the brazilian, although the initial visits seem to be worth it in the long run.
Comment by Margarita 2008 May 15 @ 10:40 amI got a brazilian for Valentines Day last year and oh how I wish I had the cash to keep it up! My waxer didn’t use strips, so I assume it was the hard wax spoken of above. But I’m a fairly hairy person (ahem) and it wasn’t bad at all. I totally agree: hairless is the way to go
Comment by Kayla 2008 May 15 @ 10:49 ami’m get brazilian waxes…have for years. i can’t imagine going back. it’s just a better, cleaner, fresher feeling for me. i do, however, partake in the landing strip…because it makes me feel more sexy and less pre-pubescent.
i take two tylenols beforehand…it seems to help with the pain
Comment by ali 2008 May 15 @ 11:07 amHey, I’m a waxer too! And Isabel totally convinced me to try it, I’ve been waxing my legs for years but I was too scared to go for the Brazilian. I am a big wuss when it comes to pain. I’m over the naked in front of a stranger thing. I have no modesty left.
Anyway, welcome to the club! I haven’t yet talked about this on my site because my family reads, and I just think we’d all be happier with them NOT knowing about my waxing habits. I tried several different waxers before I found the one I really like. And I’m totally with you, I don’t do it because I want to be like some Playboy model or because my man demands it… I just like it.
Comment by Operation Pink Herring 2008 May 15 @ 11:28 amHaha the first time I went the girl asked if I had ever had a Brazilian and I said no. She said, are you SURE you want to do one then?
I said yes. It hurt. A lot.
But in the end I liked it and was converted. But I feel your pain!
Comment by Molly 2008 May 15 @ 11:34 amOw! Ow! Ow! Ow! OW!!!! You are one tough chick!
Comment by Vanessa Christensen 2008 May 15 @ 12:18 pmOuch!! I’d never do it, but I totally get the clean-feeling aspect of it. I don’t like hair in general either, except on my head.
I did a laser hair removal on another part of my body years ago, and boy did that hurt. A lot. A whole lot of lot. I had to go through it six times and it sure didn’t get any better the sixth time. Probably worse because I knew exactly what was coming. And the worst thing is, that laser isn’t – no matter what they say – in most/many cases forever. Worst case scenario is that those hormones are acting up again, adn hey presto there’s hair growing on places they shouldn’t grow again. Grump.
Comment by Pia 2008 May 15 @ 12:20 pmI can barely stand the pain of waxing my eyebrows. I also enjoy the cleanliness feeling, but I think I’ll stick with my razor for now!
Comment by Jackie 2008 May 15 @ 12:28 pmDo NOT try to give yourself a bikini wax. I tried that before (granted, I had NEVER gotted ANYTHING waxed before this experiment of mine) and I really almost cried. It hurt so much that I couldn’t even bear to rip the wax off almost. I half-tried to pick the wax off instead.
Comment by Angela 2008 May 15 @ 12:57 pmufff i get my eyebrows waxed and that’s about enough for me. I have considered a Brazillian but i think i may have been intoxicated and haven’t really thought about it since. however if i nick my ah-hem self…when i trim one more time i may just have to reconsider taking a trip to brazil…. was that tmi? haha
Comment by legallyheidi 2008 May 15 @ 1:17 pmoh man i am such a wuss, i would have been in tears, haha.
Comment by katelin 2008 May 15 @ 1:33 pmDISCLAIMER: This is in no way a criticism of heidikins (whom I adore and respect) or anyone who waxes, wears makeup, shaves, etc. I wear makeup and shave. Not as often as my husband would like, though. This is merely pointless social commentary.
I think it utterly bizarre and interesting that we live in a world where women are expected to alter themselves from a natural state (hairy) while men have no such requirements. And it’s not that women can choose to do this, it’s that if they DON’T make themselves hairless (create the illusion of thick, dark eyelashes, tan to change the color of their skin, etc) that is seen as a statement and a choice. The norm is for women to alter their physical appearance; if you are natural, you are weird.
Whereas men in their natural state are accepted, and if they choose to alter this (shaving, wearing makeup, etc) THAT is seen as a statement and weird.
Interesting.
Comment by Kiersten 2008 May 15 @ 3:25 pmI have been thoroughly entertained by this post. Better you than me darling. I’ve been working on my glamour–but the most pain I will put myself through for it is to workout.
More power to ya! Still, the though makes me automatically cross my legs and curl up into the fetal position.
Comment by Megs 2008 May 16 @ 9:47 amKiersten, love that comment of yours!!
Comment by Pia 2008 May 16 @ 10:58 amKiersten…guess what..TONS of men wax. They just aren’t talking about it like us women are. But, be assured, they are waxing and loving it.
I swear…hair free is the way to be. It’s just cleaner.
(And if God didn’t want us to alter ourselves, he wouldn’t have invited wax!)
Comment by Isabel 2008 May 16 @ 12:37 pmLOL! I love you! “the jump from fuzzy-blonde to hairless… still laughing!
Comment by Sara 2008 May 16 @ 9:18 pmI hear you on the fuzzy blonde… but I am a huge wimpy wimp who will not go near wax!
Comment by alyndabear 2008 May 18 @ 11:23 amwax. ugh. i think i’ll let you be the hero. moreso, what i’m remembering from your post is that you and handsome v are contemplating a trip to the aloha state. hmmmm, i’ll be living out there over the summer for work. possibly will our paths cross? look me up lady!
Comment by Erica 2008 May 19 @ 5:03 amI have a Brazilian wax. Twice. And honestly, though I have had two kids and a “shattered” 5th metacarpal, it hurts like CRAP!!! I actually cried, so here is for you being a wuss. Then again, I am no blond…
Comment by Alice 2008 May 20 @ 1:44 pmHeidi,
Comment by Holly 2008 May 20 @ 8:39 pmThat’s funny, I just went in for a wax today. (Brazilian) I, too, like the clean smooth feeling afterward. I would recommend Sue at NV Salon, about 250 south and 200 east. She tries her best to make it less painful, although not painless, but it’s waxing, of course it will hurt. And she is just pleasant to talk with as well.
Oh yeah, hairless is the way to go!
I tend to laugh hysterically during my trips to Brazil. It is the only way for me to calm my nerves.
Comment by Amber 2008 May 28 @ 8:52 pm