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Will Smith vs. Mutant Zombie Things

I am not the type that likes horror movies. In fact, I think I could use the phrase “I hate horror movies.” I don’t like being scared; I don’t like haunted houses; I don’t like creepy games; I don’t like sci-fi; I don’t like blood and guts and gore simply for the sake of having blood and guts and gore; I don’t like zombies; I don’t like monsters; I don’t like aliens and I don’t like supernatural demons. In short, I hate horror. Halloween is kind of a bad time of year for me. I love the dressing up and the trick-or-treating part, but I don’t like the freaking people (i.e. me) out simply to freak them (again, me) out. That being said, I wish someone had told me that I Am Legend was a horror movie. If they had, I would never have gone to see it. I saw the previews and thought “Wow, that looks like a great movie!” Ummm… not so much. They (you know, the ominous “they”) didn’t mention in the previews is that the island of Manhattan is populated with bald, orc-like super-humans with a vendetta against Will Smith, who happens to be a scientist on the side. Seriously; the only part of the entire movie I liked was when a shirt-less Will Smith was doing pull-ups. Ok, so 30 seconds of “Hey, this isn’t so bad! Look at his pecs!” and two hours of covering my eyes and ears and singing the My Little Pony theme song to block out the sounds of alpha humans tearing apart the city and any remaining inhabitants; animal or human or other.

This movie had such potential in my head; a brilliant scientist discovers a cancer vaccine and after inoculating the entire population something goes terribly awry and the vaccine begins taking over, turning humans (and animals) into these crazed, sub-human, cave-monster zombie things. One man in NYC is immune, an army general and a scientist, he remains in Manhattan trying to find some compound to reverse the effects. This could be a smashing plot! However, the only problem is the writers kind of forgot the plot part and focused primarily on the special effects. And yes, seeing Times Square absolutely empty and overgrown with weeds was impressive. But the herd of CG deer that Will Smith and his trusty canine are forever hunting were, well, painfully obviously CG. And why are there only stags and no does? That’s not natural. And the family of lions (presumably escaped from the zoo), equally shoddy CG creations. And how is it that those animals are immune to the now airborne virus? And why do these zombie-people not eat each other? Why does the Super Alpha Male feel the need to annihilate Will Smith after he [Smith] catches the Super Alpha Female for testing? If they have absolutely no human tendencies (as the scientist-half of Smith argues), how can they form enormous armies to wreak revenge on the man who captured one of them? How do they reason and plot against a man who has survived for 3 years without his own mutant army of back-up? How can these “sub-humans” possibly outwit the decorated General who can do 800 pull-ups, accurately shoot & kill anything that moves, recite the periodic table and find a cure for the deadly “cure for cancer”? It just doesn’t make sense.

I realize this movie made 70 million dollars in one weekend; I am not impressed. The second weekend of an opening is where the proof lies; if the ratings drop more than 12%-15% it is typically an overrated movie that was marketed aggressively but incorrectly. (I am not making this up; for two years I tracked the film industry revenue, attendance and duration of first-run theatres in order pay my rent and keep my feet in their stiletto habit.) So, before you tell me that “Any movie with a single actor that brings in 70-million blah-blah-blah…” wait a week, then tell me how it’s such a landmark movie. My prediction? I think National Treasure: Book of Secrets will have a better run than “I am Legend.” Perhaps not for its opening weekend, but I’ll say first month of box office reciepts. And even if it doesn’t, at least National Treasure has nerdy history stuff scattered all over the place and a distinct lack of zombies; I know which one I’ll go see twice.

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