For the last few weeks I have been thinking a lot about relationships; in particular how much information is too much information, and at what point is it necessary/prudent to divulge such personal information? I’m not sure if there is a textbook answer to this question; or even a “most correct” answer. On this particular subject, I have two tendencies; unfortunately, they contradict each other.
“Keep it Under Wraps” School of Thought:
In my particular situation, and with a huge influence from the culture I live in, it feels like dating suicide to mention early on (if at all) that once-upon-a-time I was married. It seems like the social equivalent of shooting myself in the foot/head/heart to voluntarily divulge this type of information early on in a budding relationship -whether it is purely platonic or romantic in nature. Granted, the whole experience for me is easily cataloged as one of the biggest defining experiences of my life; it many ways (ok, most ways) it has shaped me into the woman I am now and given me a semi-serious shove towards the woman I want to become. However, doesn’t that all seem kind of heavy and serious for a third date? That’s what I thought. I hate the idea of my first interactions with someone new involving this big, hairy, messy experience; they say first impressions are the most important, so why would I want to purposely include the darkest and most difficult part of my life? Why should I share this very personal story with someone I’ll never see again, someone I may date for only a few weeks, or even a few months. Is it worth it?
“Put it Out in the Open” School of Thought:
My marriage was characterized by lies, deception, manipulation and with-holding of information -important information- by my X. There is a big part of me that wants to make sure that cannot happen again. I want to make sure that I have all the facts, random tidbits of information, and as much dirt as possible before I launch into something serious. I want to know; I don’t like surprises and I really don’t like bad surprises. If a potential partner is going to spend 18 hours a day watching TV, I want to know. If he is going to quit his job to look at porn, I want to know. If he has ever EVER EVER hit a girlfriend, I want to know. If he has a tendency to yell at homeless people asking for change, I want to know. And I suppose as part of that need to know; I feel it only fair to share things about me and my characteristics. Even the less-than-flattering ones. Because you never know; the nerdy guy from Accounts Payable MAY end up as your Prince Charming. The goofy guy who randomly bursts into songs from Broadway musicals MAY be the best thing that has ever happened to you. The stand-off-ish advertising exec with better furniture than you JUST MIGHT be capable of sweeping you off your feet. But, isn’t it better to be swept off your feet and kept off your feet, than swept and then dropped because you “aren’t the type of girl I thought you were”??
If I fall in love, I want it to be the real deal. I’m not saying the next person I love will be the same man sitting next to me when I’m 87. I just want to be loved for me; I want to know that even with all my faults, and mistakes, and quirks -I am still loveable. What do you think: when is deeply Personal Information classified as Too Much Information? Is it a case-by-case basis? How do you know? Is the “mysterious woman” essential to courtship? Or is this all in my head? (I realize the latter may be an option; I realize that I may be overly sensitive on this particular subject. I don’t know if that comes from social embarassment, awkwardness of trying to explain and/or justify my decisions, or perhaps even a little bit of shame -no one ever imagines the story of their life to include such an event.)
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Well, if you want people to share themselves with you, then you have to share yourself with them.
Comment by Steph 2007 July 5 @ 1:23 pmI’m a put-it-in-the-open-er. My boyfriend waited 8 months to tell me something very important about his past, and that delay in disclosure has created the most serious–perhaps the only trust issues in our whole relationship. (Not that you’re talking about waiting 8 months, but still!)
You may scare some people away, but knowing that information before the emotional stakes have gotten too high can make it easier not to blow it out of proportion.
Just my two cents.
Comment by L Sass 2007 July 5 @ 3:30 pmSuper long… sorry!
Two stories… 1) I met a friend of a friend once who was recently divorced. He expressed interest in me, but wanted to take things slow, so we hung out and started talking on the phone. He was extremely honest about his marriage, but revealed so much about himself in the process I ended up feeling uneasy about dating him. I’m not saying what he did was wrong, it was just too much, too soon… Like, dude, you have too many feelings for me to handle. I got to deal with my own feelings. 2) My latest and greatest romantic debacle… Through the course of many a conversation over many a drink, I was very open with him about previous relationships, my lack of a relationship with my father, and other personal details. Looking back, and knowing what I know now, I realize that the honesty was not mutual. He often misrepresented himself. He told me various half-truths and refused to open up about a certain issue we were having (and actually told me that he was withholding information). In the end, I felt like a fool because I didn’t connect the dots until it was all over. And I feel like part of the reason things fell apart is because he didn’t open up to me. So the morals… don’t reveal your “secrets” immediately, but don’t necessarily withhold, if there is an opportunity to bring something up in the course of a good conversation after you’ve been out with the person on a few dates, then do it. And just because you reveal something, doesn’t mean you have to get into the details of it right away. While your experiences may have shaped who you are, you are much more than the sum of your experiences. A person has to get to know you before they can understand and accept the things that one is working through. And remember, especially as we get old, we all got some baggage!
Comment by Lou 2007 July 5 @ 3:33 pmit’s definately in not in your head. i was actually just talking to a friend a little bit ago about this particular issue of divulging information. seems like an awfully unclear line between lying by ommission and sharing too much personal information.
i think i came to the conclusion that it’s different depending on the situation. some guys you may feel completely comfortable divulging your entire life history on the first date while others you’d want to wait a while. which is terrible becuase if you’re like me you want a nice little “do this, this, and this statement” all wrapped up nicely. but i don’t think it works that way. quite unfortunate.
one thing is for certain though, if i feel like i’m being deceptive, it’s usually because i am. if you feel like it’s a lie, it probably is.
Comment by JenKneeBee 2007 July 5 @ 3:57 pmI used to tell all early on. It was like I couldn’t stop myself from blurting. Most guys took it well, but I think it kicked me in the butt in the long run because it created too much intimacy too soon.
Life got better when I became more discrete. I didn’t hide anything, but I’d wait for the right moments to reveal personal things. When he’s the right guy, I discovered, there’s no rush. And when he’s the wrong guy, it was nice to know they didn’t know everything about me.
Comment by Trish Ryan 2007 July 5 @ 4:58 pmOh Heidi, I want to be your friend in real life– not just in blog world!
Just a few things:
Thanks for the message. I’m having a party next friday, and Isabel might be there if you want to come up:) And, yes…TODAY is my b-day
Also… my husband was married before. He assumed that I knew (our mutual friends never mentioned it to me!), but when I found out after six months of dating, it was shocking! It took me a week or so to let it set in, and then I was fine. As I fell in love with him, I appreciated this “thing” in his past. It made him the kind and thoughtful and tender person he is today. And when you fall in love with someone and it’s “right” then they will be understanding of it too. It will be a non-issue! Trust me, I know!
xoxo J
Comment by Jihan 2007 July 6 @ 9:56 amSo, here’s my 2 cents. Do with it what you will.
I would put it out there in a very casual way. You can tell the person you were married, but that doesn’t mean you have to tell them about your marriage. That information can come later, if it needs to.
I think a person you date deserves to know this about you. They may have a huge issue with it. And if they do, it’s good to know about that early on.
So yeah, tell. But don’t tell everything.
And good luck.
(how’s the play going?)
Comment by Isabel 2007 July 6 @ 10:00 amI think putting things out in the open is important. Not that you necessarily have to share details that you don’t want to. How something effected you or how you feel about it really isn’t the issue when you’re first starting out. It’s being honest and not letting something come up that the other person may not have dated you had they known it originally. I think a lot of people think, “well, it’s not a big deal…and even if it is, they will already like me so they will overlook it when I tell them later”
You owe it to yourself to be honest enough that the other person can make a decision with all the facts.
I’m totally relating this to “you” but not to you-Heidi. Just a general “you” hehe.
For example, online someone puts on their profile that they don’t smoke. and you know you don’t want a smoker, so this guy looks good. But you find out two weeks after starting to date him that he does smoke…but he’s quitting. He should have just said that in the first place instead of lying.
If you don’t have kids and you don’t have any weird stalking/stalker tendencies with an ex-husband, I don’t think being divorced is a big deal.
Comment by Aimee 2007 July 6 @ 1:42 pmK.I.S.S
Keep It Simple Stupid
It’s important to tell stories and deliver important information. That’s how you grow in a relationship. Sometimes we just don’t need to indulge or devour too much all at once. Remember, we are dealing with men here who don’t really like talking all that much. That’s what girlfriends are for.
Or is it cats we are dealing with….?
Love ya Heidi!
Comment by Kristy 2007 July 9 @ 11:27 pm