I fight my own dragons. I always have and I always will. I don’t want some pathetic White Knight on a hoity-toity horse, blundering into my world in a clunky suit with terribly outdated weapons trying to rescue me. I don’t need to be rescued. I don’t want to be rescued. I don’t want to ride off into the sunset to a damp, cold castle in the middle of freakin’ nowhere. And I don’t want to kiss someone with mid-evil helmet hair! I prefer to fight my own dragons, on my own kickass horse, with my own disappointments and my own triumphs. And, dammit, I will do it in 4-inch heels!
Over the past 10 years, or so, I have carefully and efficiently built a fortress around my heart and it has served me well. At times I was foolish or niave and allowed someone inside only to end up being ambushed or, even worse, discovering a life-shattering betrayal. After I banished the bastardly villan(s), the fortress grew even stronger and more protective. With each relationship I have become more and more closed off, more apprehensive and less likely to believe in “romance.” I don’t even describe myself as a Romantic Realist; I guess I assume that romance is really the art of manipulation and characterized by intent to dazzle and woo, i.e. blantantly lie to highlight your best parts and cover up the real stuff. Added to that, I think the dashing hero who rides with colors flying to rescue the damsel is kind of ridiculous. Doesn’t he want a girl who can rescue herself? Ani DiFranco was one of my favorite artists when I was a moody, poetry-writing teenager; and there is a line from one of her songs that I have always loved. Doesn’t every kitten figure out how to get down; whether or not you ever show up?
I realize it’s just a song, and I was a somewhat melancholy high school nerd – but I still think there is something to that phrase. I’ve never given myself the option to just give up, and I rarely allow other people to “fix it” for me. I make messes in my life – and I clean them up. I get into sticky situations and I find my way out again. I get stuck in a tree, and I either carefully pick my way down or decide to just get it over with and jump. And when attacked by dragons, I dig in my heels and fight back; and I fight until I win. I’m stubborn that way. I expect that type of behavior from myself – I’m not that type to ask for help when I know I can do it myself. Again, stubborn. I am also not the type of girl who will save up the “dirty work” until a boy shows up to take care of it; whether that is actual dirty work -like taking out the trash or fixing the drain or putting up the Christmas lights- or relationship “dirty work” like expecting a certain someone to fulfill all your needs and provide your emotional comfort and support. I’m sorry, I just don’t buy that. I’m a big girl and I can take care of myself. Sure, I like having someone to eat dinner with, and watch movies with, and take walks with… but I don’t expect that person to “complete” me.
Here’s the problem: all that heroic dragon slaying goes against a certain aspect of my personality, the part that I have been trying to hide for years. The Fearless Fighter Chick is partially an act; a show to dazzle you into thinking I’m this fabulous Supergirl. And the fact is I am incredibly vulnerable. More so than I will ever admit. So, why am I talking about this? And on a publicly available blog? Well, dear Internet, I think I have found a way to unlock the vulnerable woman and still get to be the kickass dragon slayer; I need to learn to be emotionally honest, with myself and with those I care about. This is much easier said than done. I am not implying that I am emotionally dishonest. I am admitting that I am emotionally with-holding. I have blocked up the part of me that feels true emotional pain & happiness because I felt I was being taken advantage of and my beaten-down psyche just couldn’t afford it anymore. And besides, it’s damn inconvenient! It’s much easier to bounce along without having to feel all that hurt. The problem is that with this impenetrable wall located somewhere deep in my chest I am really only hurting myself. I am denying myself the possibility of true happiness; and that, my friends, is an incredibly depressing realization. I’m still not quite sure how to accomplish this whole “emotionally honest” thing, but I think it can be done.
6 Comments so far
Leave a comment
First, let me just say that the more I get to know you, the more I like you. In a way, blogging is like free therapy, and in front of (pseudo internet) friends.
From the things you’ve revealed in your last few posts it makes sense that you are still recovering and finding your authentic self. Both as an individual and also as one half of a relationship. My guess is that if you are just honest and keep working at it, you are on the right path…
Comment by janet 2007 June 12 @ 1:40 pmDon’t ever rely on anyone else to complete you, the only one that can complete you is yourself, I truly believe that. Another person, a partner, can certainly bring both tremendous joy as well as sorrow into your life, but never ever complete you. I totally agree, you have to be the, if not always fearless, dragon slayer yourself:)
I concur with Janet’s comment, blogging, or really writing itself, is the ultimate therapy!
Comment by Pia K 2007 June 12 @ 2:24 pmlove you girl.
Comment by Steph 2007 June 12 @ 2:30 pmEverything you’ve said there seems to me like you’ve taken it right out of my head and written it down logically. Thanks for that! It’s actually starting to make sense to me now.
Comment by ellesappelle 2007 June 12 @ 7:53 pmI feel ya sista. And by feel I really mean it. In HS I was heartlelss – I don’t know why – but the nerd in me (and around me) describes it as Vulcan. Then, I decided let some emotions take over the drivers seat for awhile – and didn’t like that either. Way to painful. Now I’m in the process of “balancing” – and I think it’s getting better. So I do “feel” ya on trying to be more emotional – but not.;) Hero’s in my past: Star Trek Independant Dr. Crusher, Xena: Warrior Princess, and Laura Croft Tomb Raider – hmmmm, what’s that say about me? I think I fight my own dragons too…but wouldn’t a companion type to carry my sword.
Comment by Andrea Jolene 2007 June 12 @ 9:31 pmWow – it’s like you captured a whole chunk of my life in words – amazing stuff. We’re all a little bit better for it when you post something like this
As for the heroes and dragon slaying…don’t give up on the boys yet. It took me awhile, but I discovered that there were some high towers I couldn’t get out of until the right guy came along (but I got pretty bruised up flinging myself from the top floor at all the Mr. Wrongs who walked by).
And while the whole “you complete me” perspective of romance gets some bad press, I think the reason that line resonated with so many of us when Renee said it to Tom was that in a certain way, it’s true. Maybe if we’d gotten better advice about love as kids we’d have learned to use this as a litmus test…that if being with someone doesn’t make us a better, enhanced version of who we are already, he isn’t THE ONE.
Keep on keeping on with the emotional honesty – there’s good stuff in there.
Comment by Trish Ryan 2007 June 13 @ 12:15 pm